Published March 6, 2011
Written when I was around 14 years old.
She sits with an idle brain,
That comforts her in troubled times,
And tells her to smile happily,
Such a harmless little lie.
Harmless to a careless world,
That turns without a thought,
Rids its mind of burden,
And hates a heavy heart.
She turns to every corner,
With a silent desperate plea,
Hoping for a pair of open arms,
In which she can finally weep.
Instead she finds manequins,
With blinkless empty eyes,
Hollow and emotionless,
Arms dangling by their sides.
She goes mad in her little doll house,
Where not a thing is felt,
And behind every printed smile,
Is an emotion being held.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,916 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
I think its great
The red is mean't for immediate changes. The blue is my personal opinions towards what should change. The green is what I liked about your piece!
Overall:
I loved it. Like, I can't remember enjoying a poem as much as I enjoyed this one. Maybe its the simplicity. You aren't thesaurusing the crap out of this poem. You're using your own arsenol of words and creating something really beautiful by doing as such. For that, I give you props. Definitly one of my favourite YWS poems of, in all honesty, all time.
The only things I hope you'll think about are what I pointed out above! Other than that, tata!
~The.Dreamwalker
this is a beautiful poem, written from a writter who ovously shows heart and perticulary emotion in there wrighting. they show the world, as not the happy place, a childs toy whitch normaly seemsto bring joy and happyness is made into a horror witch drives a child mad. but possibly it could have been a littlelonger. :\
Wow!
The poem has really great rythme and a fantastic tempo.
The tempo is even and well kept.
It lacks visual coherence but is very good.
Good job!
~spartacus~