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Young Writers Society



Cruel Eyes Ch-1

by RissaLately


Vendela Belladona is dead.

I am Vendela Belladona.

So just to make everything clear, I, Vendela, am dead.

I can remember everything about the day of my death with perfect clarity. It was a beautiful day, oddly warm for the middle of March. My friends an I had tickets to see Katy Perry in concert that night and where all meeting up at Danielle Davis's house beforehand.

"Come on, hurry up." Kendra whined. Kendra Pimenovea had been one of my best friends since second grade, now we were juniors in high-school, all grown up. Everyone says Kendra and i look a lot alike, but i don't see the resemblance. Kendra's tall with an athletes body, straight shoulder-length black hair. She has high cheek bones, flawless skin, and the prettiest sky-blue eyes. I'm an average hight and my thighs are kinda fat. My hair hangs in dark brown ringlets around my face and my eyes are so dark they look black.

I sighed. "Okay, okay. I'm ready, stop complaining." I muttered, more to myself then her. Grabbing my car key from the hook by the door, we left, walking down the driveway to my old beat-up Toyota Camry. Kendra immediately started checking her make up in the visor mirror, not bothering to put on her seatbelt. I turned down Danielle's road, glad that she only lived a few blocks away from me. A blond-headed girl looked out the window when I pulled up to my friends house. Melissa met us at the door, squealing and hugging me.

Melissa is very short, just over four feet tall, with straight blond hair that framed her face and eyes the color of topaz. The three of us headed into the house, to Danielle's bedroom, where she, Jeslyn Nova, and Olivia Parker were arguing over who the pink converse shoes belonged to. Danielle has lank brown hair, little green eyes, and has a sweet innocent look about her. Olivia was the complete opposite, Blond curls, violet eyes, and pouty red lips. Jeslyn had thick maroon hair that always looked perfect, one of her eyes was auburn and the other a dark gray. Everyone asks if she wear contacts but she doesn't, she was just born with miss-matched eyes.

Then next three hours where spent raiding Danielle's closet for something to wear to the concert, fighting over the pink converse, and doing each others make up. When we where finally ready to go to the concert, Olivia was wearing the pink converse and making it a point to rub it in Jeslyn's face.

"Okay, lets go!" Melissa said, breaking up the almost-fight between Olivia and Jeslyn. We all piled into my little car, me driving (obviously), Danielle in the passenger seat, and Jeslyn, Kendra, Olivia, and Melissa crammed into the back.

"why cant we put Mellie in the trunk? She's small." Olivia said, smiling brightly at Melissa. I looked back at them. "Olivia, will you please shut up for ten minutes!" I yelled at her. They all sat there, silent for a moment.

"Vendela! the road!" Kendra screamed. I had momentarily stopped watching where i was driving (to glare at the four in the back), and had swerved the car across the freeway into the opposite lanes. An eighteen-wheeler truck was only feet from hitting us, i grabbed for the wheel already knowing it was to late. There was a loud scream of metal scrapping metal as my car bucked under the huge truck.

I could feel the heat of fire licking at my skin, but i couldn't move any part of my body, as if I where paralyzed. It seamed like long painful years dragged by before i heard to sounds of ambulance sirens. I could hear faint distant voices, and i wondered if i was even alive.

"There is no way any of them survived that. Dead, all of them." i heard a voice say. And that was the last thing i remember before i blacked out, or died.


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27 Reviews


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Sat Apr 16, 2011 8:12 pm
EmilyofREL wrote a review...



Hey Rissa. So,I like it so far. But I agree with the above poster. You describe everyone's looks in the same way. We don't need a black and white description or a list of physical features right away. Something like "she brushed a blonde curl away from her big blue eyes", would tell us the character has blonde hair and blue eyes without interrupting the story.You could also add physical description with an emotional beat. For example, "Anna blushes; her indigo gaze falls to the floor" This lets the reader know that Anna is embarrassed and has indigo/blue eyes.Just a suggestion, but do remember to mix up your descriptions.
Now that I'm done being mean, I do like the idea of the plot. You have an engaging opening and you leave us with questions.
Welcome to YWS! :)




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10 Reviews


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Sat Apr 16, 2011 10:42 am
Haylie says...



I like your plot of your story, however you have a few spelling mistakes and you need to remember to capitalize your I's (:




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Sat Apr 16, 2011 10:00 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hello there! I'm Icy and I'll be you're reviewer for today :)
Firstly I have a technical nitpick; this doesn't really affect the story but I've noticed that you haven't put spaces inbetween your lines. This can make it difficult to read and less appealing.
On to the chapter!

RissaLately wrote:Vendela Belladona
That is quite possibly the most unfortunate name I've ever heard. If it isn't intended this way I would beg that you change either the surname or forename. Unless her parents are completely mad/hated her/ this is her stage name it sounds completely ridiculous!
RissaLately wrote:an#008000 ">d I

RissaLately wrote:Everyone says Kendra and #008000 ">I look a lot alike, but #008000 ">I don't see the resemblance
Remember to capitalise your I's.
RissaLately wrote:My hair hangs in dark brown ringlets around my face and my eyes are so dark they look black.
There must be some way they look alike but you are mentioning every possible contrast. youneed to include something that the reader can presume makes them look alike, even if your MC dismisses the idea.
RissaLately wrote:Melissa is very short, just over four feet tall, with straight blond hair that framed her face and eyes the color of topaz
I can't help but notice that you describe all your characters in the same way: Figure, Hair, Eyes. You need to change the layout of a few of these descriptions to prevent it from becoming repetetive.
RissaLately wrote: I had momentarily stopped watching where #008000 ">I was driving
Agian, watch the capitals.
RissaLately wrote:I could hear faint distant voices, and #008000 ">I wondered if #008000 ">I was even alive.
"There is no way any of them survived that. Dead, all of them." #008000 ">I heard a voice say. And that was the last thing #008000 ">Iremember before #008000 ">I blacked out, or died.


I removed the 'or died' part as it seemed not to fit. Your reader already knows that the MC has died so by simply putting 'blacked out' they should grasp the concept.
That's it for nitpicks, just make sure you dont rush the details and you should be fine. Happy writing~





That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.
— Rick Riordan, The Ship of the Dead