Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
December.
The snow was falling slowly from the sky, swaying lightly, carried by wind's movements.
Mugen Ayumu was watching it with eyes almost dreamy, sitting behind his desk, his mind returning to his past and reflecting about himself and what he would do in the future.
He was an ordinary office worker in one of the many companies in Osaka, his life was simple and monotonous, only dinners with colleagues and appointments with the girl that, a little later, was going to become his wife gave him a bit of happiness, without any exaggeration.
He had no hobbies, passions or personal pleasures and his days passed slowly, between a phone and a few signature on numerous documents, just like the snow so much exciting and enchanted for him, making him a child again once a year.
And so, in practice, the evening came by, the employees left their desks and the lights went off, leaving the entire building empty and dark.
Mugen came out with a small group of colleagues heading for a small sushi restaurant not far from the building where, at least twice a week, they went to dinner together.
During the dinner, including a glass of sake and the other, the talk came to life more and more, along with the chatter and laughter; talking about this and that went from critical to politicians, to the various kinds of sports to finish, every single night, talking about women.
About all this, Mugen, could not care less, he was engaged for two years with a beautiful young girl named Yui, sports had never passionate him, he loved only mathematics and the work ordered, nothing more and with the policy he had a total different kind of attitude.
He was detached and cold towards it, he hardly even felt a real sense of belonging to his own country, merely to observe, quietly, everything around him analyzing behavior, words and why some people were acting in those manners.
A scholar? Or just an employee without a social life? Mugen was everything in one person, without even realizing it.
After the meal, the boy stood up, said goodbye to everyone and walked away with an apology, quickly and without looking back even though he had some little remorse.
He wanted to come back to her, to Yui, the only one he loved and with whom he wanted to spend the time.
When he opened the door he found himself immersed in the darkness of the corridor.
"She must be sleeping, I'll make her a little surprise," thought him after leaving the keys next to the phone.
He walked to the bedroom and saw her there, hidden by the blankets for the cold.
She was a very nice girl, with thin eyes, soft and slightly skin, darker than the average Japanese and long dark hair.
Taking care not to make any noise, he went in the bed and slipped under the covers, hugging Yui warmly to surprise her.
The girl's body was cold and somehow, strangely slippery; It moved almost imperceptibly, his breathing was labored and strangled.
Mugen lifted the covers, making them fly to the ground and flinging blood everywhere around the room.
Incredulous and scared he watched Yui's body, his eyes were almost bulging out, he could not and did not want to believe what I had before.
The girl was lying straight on the bed, the glazed look off into space, a long wound from the navel to the base of the neck was propped open with a wire planted in the mattress while blood poured by the gallon.
Staggering, he tried to run to the phone but the wires were removed and the door was closed, the keys were gone.
Suddenly, the darkness, nothing more.
Yui, the telephone, the colleagues and the office disappeared, along with every other thought, nothing was the same again and Mugen disappeared in a limbo of deep darkness.
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Salutations, Rinkaku! Raven here for the After Watch!
I'm sorry if I seem harsh at all during any part of this review; I just got up and am really tired. Now, onto the review...
First thing I see in this is that the title is labelled Prologue. Now, is that the name of the story? Or is the "01" the name, and this part is the prologue? Either way: To prologue or not to prologue Hope that helps a bit! A lot of people on here are against prologues and tend not to use them. This part feels like it could be Chapter 1.
However, it also has this information dump feel to it. Sorta like the usual prologues. Everything about Mugen was just told in less than three paragraphs. Everything about his boring self was revealed. That's no fun. Knowing everything about the character in the very beginning is definitely no fun. It's like knowing exactly what you are going to get for your birthday. Huge let down. Although, if only small bits were told at a time, or if some parts were told through action, it'd keep the reader entertained.
I'm not sure how I feel about this character. He seems... dull. I've seen many a character like that: they normally have a boring life, office job, one small thing that keeps them happy. Pretty boring. Then something comes along, turning their normal, boring life into an adventure. In saying that, I am not sure if this story is going to be like that. The "01" makes me feel like Mugen is a part of some sort of project. As I said, I'm nt sure how I feel about this story.
That could have been so much description of their normal routine! Just enough to give the reader a little light on what is going on. Telling the reader about the office and what everything looks like! We need that...
Perhaps... put thoughts in italics? Also, a bit more description could have been used right there. One last thing: he thought.
NO! Poor Mugen! The girl of his dreams... dead. Wow, okay, that was scary. Very traumatic. Woah, um, I have to feel sympathy for the character. That— I'm speechless. Good job writing this story and I hope to see more from you!
~Rae,
Thank you very much! I'll try to improve my english for the next chapter and I'll fix some things too!
About Mugen....I'm not gonna turn his life into an adventure or things like that, and..I have a little project for him.
Thank you very much for the review, it really helps me a lot!
Pretty good writing and very interesting, just a few things.
the girl that, a little later, was going to become his wife gave him a bit of happiness, without any exaggeration.
Maybe like this, "the girl that, in a little while, was going to become his wife and give him a bit of happiness, without any exaggeration."
He had no hobbies, passions or personal pleasures
"He had no hobbies, passions, or personal pleasures" You forgot the comma after passions.
just like the snow so much exciting and enchanted for him
Not quite sure what you meant here, you should change it up a bit.
soft and slightly skin
Not sure here either. Slightly what?
Over all really cool story, but you could put a little more description I think.
Keep writing and welcome to YWS!
~BookWolf
Thank you very much, it helps me a lot!
Like I said I'm not english, so I'll try to improve it as soon as I can!