Published June 5, 2008
Word Travels
I heard there was a God above
And that his grace was great.
He’d offer many gifts,
But it was so hard to believe.
The baffled king went to find
What life is truly about.
He searched for a holy grail
To sip heaven’s eternal wine.
The Queen had to live on her own.
She tried to keep it all
And soothe God’s flock,
But their bleating never stopped.
Crowds of people at the throne
Stripped the queen of her hair.
Nailed her to the Earth;
Then drew the mighty hallelujah.
The intoxicated king came back;
Drunk off false teaching.
He only learned how
To murder the non-believers.
He laid down beside his wife
For one final resting.
They killed him off too
When he said he was God himself.
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139,507 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
I found this poem quite interesting.
- Fantastic imagery.
- The voice and tone of the poem sounded weary. I'm not sure this is what was intended, and you may consider revising in sections to help improve the rhythm.
- Your word choice in sections is great, and in others is lackluster. But even more is the sort of colloquial phrases that have slipped in. "Killed him off", "live on her own", "hard to believe", these phrases are all acceptable in normal discourse, but in the context of your poem, especially because of its mystical imagery, they seem out of place.
- The second stanza doesn't seem necessary.
- The fourth stanza is by far the best. Take that as your model in revision.
Hello there! I thought in return for not reviewing what you PMed me I would review this.
This was awkward to read because I thought there would be a rhyme; and there wasn't, so when I get to "believe", it doesn't flow at all.You go from punctuating, to not punctuating at all. Either punctuate the whole thing, or not at all - although I would stick to the former. Punctuation is a Big Deal in poetry.
Otherwise, I'm not entirely sure what to say. I thought the subject was strange, and it didn't really do anything for me. I'm not sure what impression you're trying to give the reader. I was confused. I don't suppose you wanted me to feel confused?
The only other solid thing I can comment on is flow. Poetry needs to flow, from line to line, stanza to stanza, unless the lack of flow is to represent something about the subject. The best suggestion I can give is to read more poetry. Reading poetry is a great way to learn. Some of the best poets on this site are: incandescence, Fandilocks, Via, Leja, Cade, and Calligulas Launderette, and that's just a few. I would suggest reading things by them, and reading the critiques given. It will help you to understand how poetry works. It isn't just words, stanzas, and lines; there is always something underneath the poetry.
Hope this helped! Happy writing.