Published June 4, 2008
Feeble Creature
Look at that filthy thing on the ground
What right does it have to live?
Laugh and spit in its tearstained face
Curse, condemn it to hell
Make it pay for crimes it didn’t commit
Someone has to take the blame
That creature hasn’t done good deeds
Why not degrade its life?
Keep beating until that mistake wails
Force it to beg for mercy
It should be guilty for its acts
That thing deserves to die
We’re the great ones to enter heaven
That monster is soon to burn
Together we do God a favor
By killing this creature
Stone its body, break its feeble bones
It does neither good nor bad
If something doesn’t contribute once
Why was it created?
God will discard this monstrosity
Like he ignores our wishes
Our deity will do sweet justice
And give what it deserves
What’s this? That thing has become still!
It’s dead! Throw it in the lake.
Make sure there isn’t any trace
Of its short existence
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You don't seem to have much direction.
You have violence against a feeble creature used as some sort of scapegoat but it doesn't offer much else in terms of an implied meaning. The dominance of the strong of the weak and the destruction and a tie in with God doesn't offer much to me as a reader because there isn't a discernible character perpetrating it. Without a distinct character it sort of falls into the category of poetry which doesn't evoke much of a response because I can't even vaguely attribute my emotional response to anything so it fizzle out into, "so that happened, huh? Well I can't blame anyone so, well... and so it fades."
I'm not suggesting a concrete character called Sweeney Todd - ambiguity may be what you're going for but some sort of description of a character may help.
The imagery wasn't too bad - It was strong but I wouldn't say it was particulary creative but given the topic and nonchalant brutality may work better but even so metaphors that compares these acts to something more common, more everyday would have the same effect and perhaps add a new dimension e.g. comparing the beating to eating crisps, the death to the end of the packet. With some more creative imagery it would become easier to relate to.
This is pretty good. The focus of the poem, the message, is pretty clear. And the imagery was all right...
Simple and to the point. Sometimes that strategy works, and sometimes it doesn't. I think that you should consider maybe making the message of the poem a bit more difficult to read. It was almost too easy as it is now.
Otherwise, this was fine.