Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


Blade of Everafter Chapter 1

by Rincewind


Throughout history, Vendragons, commonly known as Not-dragons, were a widely discriminated race. For a large majority of their existence they were sold as weapons of war and tools of mass destruction. In increasingly excessive amounts, humans and elves would trade and if necessary murder not-dragons by the thousands. Time went on as such for millennia, but when the Vendragons had depleted in numbers to such an extent that they were in danger of extinction, one solitary hero rose up from the battered masses.

His name was Eldren Graythorn, the last King of the Not-dragons. When the world’s preservation was being threatened by age long wars between the humanoids, and dragon races, Eldren took a final stand and sought the intervention of the Great Spirit Gods of Everafter.

Eldren flew higher than any living creature could, to the top of the mountain where the Spirit Gods dwelled. He proposed to them that if they were to grant him the necessary power, he would stop the war that would surely end the world, and bring peace for the dragon races once and for all.

The gods forged Eldren a blade unlike any other. It was titled The Graythorn, and Eldren wielded it as if it were a part of his own body – in a sense it was. The blade was unique in that as Eldren grew angrier the blade would as well. And it would grow and do crazy things people usually didn’t live to talk about. With this blade Eldren almost succeeded in uniting the world once again, but he was assassinated mysteriously one evening, and the blade was stolen.

Now Eldren’s only son waits ponderously in his keep at the top of Mt. Graythorn. He hasn’t come down for centuries, and his existence is mere legend.

But his blade is calling him, and trying to communicate with him through nightmares and visions. He has had enough, and is finally going to take back what is rightfully his.

“Sir, do you know where I might be able to get my hands on some Naga hide armour?” Fyrebrand asked a street merchant who was struggling with pulling some sort of wolf pelt over a circular piece of bronze.

The merchant looked up from his half-made shield and was jolted by what he was facing. Not-dragons are a curious sight in real life even if you’ve seen many pictures. They are half man and half dragon with a human head, only throughout the head’s hair there are various horns sticking out. They walk upright like a human, but their bodies are much bulkier. Their skin comes in each colour of the spectrum and is always a rough hard scaly texture, resembling that of lizard-kin. The rest of the body was covered in much the same skin, except for the palms, and bottom of the feet. Not much else seemed different from a human except for size, (not-dragons are a minimum six feet tall), the horns, the wings, the varying sizes in tails, and the vibrant colours.

As for Fyrebrand, he was royal blue and his belly up until the underside of his chin, his lips, and his palms and soles were gray. Fyrebrand wore a black robe draped askew over his face. He wore no footwear, and thin bear-hide pants underneath the robe.

“I do master yes,” The merchant said, “ It is fine taste you have.”

“Save your flattery, and I am no ones master. Now what must I pay for you to smith me full Naga-Hide plate mail?” Fyrebrand slammed a very large sliver of ruby onto the merchant’s wooden counter.

The merchant immediately picked up the red stone and began inspecting it closely. “Is this a real ruby? If it is I will not be able to cut it for the life of me. I know you’re a not-dragon and with that comes nobility, but I must be sure.”

“Do what you must old man.” Fyrebrand nodded.

The old merchant took his dagger out from his belt, by it’s lovely golden hand carved handle. He held the blade in the air above the gem and slammed it down forcefully. The ruby remained unscathed, but much to the merchants surprise his blade had shattered on the stone and was left in pieces on the counter.

“There is plenty more where that one came from. And I will pay for buying you a new blade.” Fyrebrand insisted, “So, how long is the wait for my armour.”

“I will be finished by the end of the night, come and see me in half a moon.” The merchant looked down at the Ruby lying beside his shattered dagger. “I keep this then?”

Fyrebrand nodded and turned away. He went to the town bar next, in search of any information he could find about bandits and thieves in the area. The bar was well populated, busy with laughter and the sounds of glasses hitting the tables. When Fyrebrand entered people paid little attention to him, which made him feel well. “Much has changed since I last left my keep on Mt. Graythorn. A pint of Field mouse broth barkeep!” He said as he took a spot at the bar.

“An excellent choice foe ya kind sir. See we gets slims to none of the not-dragon types ‘round here, an humans nae have the taste foe Field mouse broth, so we always gots a nice untapped supply of it.” The barkeep had a strange accent compared to the merchant, Fyrebrand wondered which one most humans sounded like. He hoped it was the merchant.

“Thank you,” Fyrebrand said as he lifted the broth to his lips and let the warmth of it heat his face. “And please if you could talk to me normally, and stop treating my like royalty that would be for the best. I want to ask you some questions about this place.”

The barkeep, which was no stranger to long conversation, nodded encouragingly. “You in Grey Ridge stranger. This village has been situated under Mt. Graythorn foe five hundred years, an’ remains the busiest town foe a few moons away.” He wiped the bar down in front of Fyrebrand and leaned in close to talk quietly with him. “I know who ya are,” he whispered, “You Graythorn’s son, an’ I knows why ya came down from that there keep o’ yours.”

“You do?” Fyrebrand was intrigued and impressed by the human’s outward manner.

“You’ve come ta hunt foe that blade of yours. The Blade of Everafter, The Graythorn.”

As the bartender said this Fyrebrand's nostrils began to brew smoke. He had not heard his sword’s name spoken out loud for a thousand years, and here was a human spitting it out as if it were a shard of bone. “You know where my blade is?” Fyrebrand stared the man in the eye.

“ ’Eaves nae friend, I only know o’ the myth that goes along with it.” The bartender went on. “The story goes like this. You father ‘ad always been a powerful being, the King o’ the Not-dragons. And there were always races in opposition, races that wanted ta see yoe father fall. Foe centuries nobody in the world could figures out a weakness in him, until somebody got the idea to kill ‘im with ‘is own blade...”

“That was my blade!” Fyrebrand yelled out. Some patrons from the bar turned and looked at him and he carried on quieter. “That blade was mine, my father had given it to me and it was in my possession for fifteen years. It grew with me and grew as a part of me. Being separated from it weakens me and now I can’t take it anymore, I must find my blade and destroy the one who keeps it from me.”

“You must understand Fyrebrand, that in a thousand years the blade ‘as likely ‘ad several owners and been subjected to many battles. It will be nae easy task tracking it downs.”

“No, I can feel it. When that blade was forged a part of me was in it. As long as the blade yearns to grow, it will call me to it. I will find it. Now is there any further information you can give me?” Fyrebrand finished off his broth and set the mug down on the bar.

“The only direction I can points yoe in is north. Go North an’ eventually yoe will reach the hideout o’ the Galruchai. They are vicious bandits, their skin darkened from spending years in the depths o’ their caves. I’m sure their leader will ‘aver some answers foe ya. You are prepared are yoe not?”

“Prepared?”

“Well you cannae just walk in there, an’ expect them spill their guts to you. You’ll ‘aver to prove yourself strong and overpower them in order foe the leader to grant ya information.”

“Don’t worry about me, friend. Thank you for all your help.” Fyrebrand nodded to the man, threw down a bright red ruby and left the bar.

That night Fyrebrand slept in a bed that wasn’t his for the first time in his life. It took him some time to fall asleep, but once he did, it was a pleasant sleep the night through.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 22

Donate
Mon Aug 15, 2005 8:37 pm
Calibur says...



The storyline is very interesting and detailed everyone has handled the advice that needs to be given so i won't bother to.




User avatar
36 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 36

Donate
Tue Aug 09, 2005 11:12 pm
brandenwallace says...



Sounds like you have a good plot and the detail is good... Keep up the good work.




User avatar
127 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 127

Donate
Tue Aug 09, 2005 9:55 pm
Rincewind says...



My theory is, if you have no problem with the fact that dragons are flying around, whats the big deal about a ruby that breaks daggers? ya dig?




User avatar
3747 Reviews


Points: 2312
Reviews: 3747

Donate
Tue Aug 09, 2005 4:09 am
Snoink says...



Eh... one point was wrong. Ruby is a form of saphire, and is considered 8 in the Moh's hardness scale. It would be plenty hard enough to break a dagger. It just depends what the dagger was made out of.




User avatar
127 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 127

Donate
Tue Aug 09, 2005 3:32 am
Rincewind says...



Absolutely everything you suggested is a hundred ercent correct and I am taking each point into consideration and greatly revising the wntire chapter and incorporating your critique into it. Thank you very very much.

I appreciate the time you took, but I want you to knwo this is my oldest and crappiest project which im workign on. You might enjoy Sugnoma Lived more. I'm sure it has less grammatical errors, and that si the story I truly want the most input in, as it is my favourite, and best work I've done to date.

Thanks again, new fella.




User avatar


Points: 890
Reviews: 2

Donate
Tue Aug 09, 2005 3:24 am
Arbitrator wrote a review...



Evaluation

... of their existence, they were sold ...


A comma should be placed between the words 'existence' and 'they'.

In increasingly excessive amounts, humans and elves would trade and if necessary murder not-dragons by the thousands.


Consider emending this sentence. A suggestion such as the following may suffice in your situation to make it more clear.

'Increasingly excessive amounts of humans and elves would trade and, if necessary, murder not-dragons by the thousands.'


... being threatened by age-long wars between the humanoids and dragon races, Eldren...


Insert a hyphen between the words 'age' and 'long' for they coincide in this context.

Delete the comma seperating the words 'humanoids' and 'and dragon races'.


... the Spirit Gods dwelled. He proposed to ...


The word 'dwelled' is not a word and should be replaced by the word 'dwelt'.

It was titled, The Graythorn, and Eldren wielded ...


Enclose the title of the sword by adding a comma after the word 'titled'.

You might consider either adding quotations or italisizing the title of the sword in this context.


The blade was unique in that as Eldren grew angrier, the blade would as well.


A comma should be placed between the words 'angrier' and 'the blade'.

"I do master. Yes," The merchant said ...


You should either consider dividing that into two clauses or two sentences. Unless, of course, this merchant mistakes him as a 'Master Yes'.

... I am no one's master.


Place an apostrophe between the 'e' and the 's' in 'one's'.

“Do what you must, old man.” Fyrebrand nodded.


Place a comma between the words 'must' and 'old'.

... for my armour?


It is a question to replace the period with a question mark.


Analysis

Previous comments refer to a history lecture for the first paragraph. In mere reality, the first six paragraphs give the history and layout to your story. I would definately suggest that you turn it toward a prologue to your story. In the prologue, you could possibly elaborate on how they came to be and what not unless you are leaving that for the future of the story. And nearly half way through the beginning you change tenses.

When you switching toward a differing scene, consider using an asterisk(s) so as to make it easier for the reader to know the transition is taking place. The simple triple space can easily be missed.

When this 'Vendragon' meets the merchant, you may want to elaborate on the emotion of the merchant. Apparently, these vendragons are legend now, and haven't been seen. If they haven't been seen for one thousand years, you might want to mention that. If not, the merchant would be scared and would rather not believe what this foreign creature was. With the addition of that, you describe him enclosed in a robe. If the merchant showed any emotion toward him, he would see him, yet the robe had enclosed him. So he could have easily mistaken him as rather tall outlander.

Unless he has forgotten the ways of men, he would know that he was superior toward humans, and even if he was compelled to think otherwise, it would be doubtful for this vendragon to object being called 'master'.

Rubies are not hard enough to break a dagger. If the dagger was extremely cheap, that would be a complete oxymoron against the extremely elaborate hilt embroidered of gold trim and of gems. The ruby would leave a mark at least, and might dent the dagger, but it wouldn't completely destroy it.

Naga-hide armor wouldn't take a short period such as the afternoon to take it. That reminds me; you never set the time to which he ventured down the mountain to meet with these humans so willingly. It doesn't make the most sense to be on good terms with a race that sold them into slavery and killed them. Even if it was thousands of years ago, he would be, at least, slightly vengeful.

Again, if these people saw these creatures on a common basis, they would act like this. You need to mention that or they would not act as though the vendragon was a common sight to see. They might not act startled, having learned about the history of these specied, but they would hear what they did to them, how cruel they were, or they would hear a different story made up so as to not make controversy toward the crown or government.

To begin with, concerning the barkeep, he might know all that, but most people such as him, aren't the smartest people. He wouldn't suddenly jump to conclusion that this particular not-dragon was the son of a king. Or he might possibly on how naive he is, but it would be doubtful for him to say it. He would more or less blurt it out and if he had any sense, he would either inquire further or take it back. Then, Fyrebrand tells all about the sword and so on. This is rather foolish of him, and also unlikely for it might spark greed in the barkeep. Somethings lead to others, and the next thing you know, he has opposition he has to deal with. But that wouldn't happen, for the dragon part of him (if his brain is related to dragon at all) would have enough sense to vear away from that subject on how he was bound to the sword. The barkeep might gather a crew and follow him for all he knows!

Literary Grading

Opening: ---|------
Individuality: ----|-----
Originality: ----|-----
Presentation: ----|-----
Permanence: ------|---
Enthusiasm: ----|-----
Regularity: ----|-----
Conflict: -----|----
Influence: ---|------
Ending: ----|-----
Overall: ----|----- 5.1 MEDIOCRE

Literary Grading

Literary Grading Cont.




User avatar
127 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 127

Donate
Mon Aug 08, 2005 12:03 am
Rincewind says...



It came from Word, so no problem. PM me.




User avatar
324 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 324

Donate
Fri Aug 05, 2005 9:24 pm
-KayJuran- says...



just put this onto Word so i can look at it while not spending my parents money on
Internet. i'll get back to you! :wink:




User avatar
127 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 127

Donate
Tue Aug 02, 2005 8:42 pm
Rincewind says...



Rei, good call. In order to captivate early on, I felt it was necessary to have them know what was going on. I'm still green at it really.
As for explaining what a Vendragon is, you are a hundred percent correct. I only said what they looked like, not what they actually are.
I want to add a paragraph to the "history lesson" now, explaining shortly what the dragon races consist of, but then I will get going on what the war was about and its really a whole new batch of things, so I might find a good way to throw it into the second chapter..Which by the way guys, is probobly triple or quadruple the length of this one. But its action packed so hopefully y'all will in enjoy.

P.S. bard of life, Your idea is essentially what I want to do with these characters once I'm finished this first book. Once Fyrebrand gets his sword, and his new crew at the end of this book, the big epic battle begins.
This is only somewhat epic;)

---edit---
Rei, I said Vendragons are half man half dragon. Just realized that. Its a sloppily placed explanitory sentece perhaps. I will revise.




User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 14

Donate
Mon Aug 01, 2005 3:42 pm
bard_of_life wrote a review...



Wow, I couldn't stop reading, this is pretty good. I think the history lesson would be a good prolougue. I thought it really helped you understand the son's motives. The only thing I have to suggest is call him a barkeeper, not a barkeep. And also, I think that halfway through his quest to find the sword, another war should begin and he has to search faster so he can fill his father's shoes maybe. Just an idea.




User avatar
685 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 685

Donate
Mon Aug 01, 2005 3:09 pm
Rei wrote a review...



Opening with a history lesson, however short, is usually not a good idea. In this case, it could be better, but I think it works. You just need to explain what a Vendragon is, and if they aren't a kind of dragon, why does their name have "dragon" in it.





Poems were like people. Some people you got right off the bat. Some people you just don't get - and never would get.
— Benjamin Alire Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe