On and off for so many years,
it’s sad to say you brought me tears.
I wished we could last,
Now thats in the past.
I was kidding I'm fine,
Don't wish you were mine.
Moved on with someone new,
Who is definitely a better boo.
Our chances were slim,
But now I got him.
I threw you in the bin,
And took a big win.
I exaggerated all of this for a grade,
Kinda wanna’ go get some lemonade.
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140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey Riley!
Hope you're having a great afternoon! I love the idea behind your poem - it's super awesome! I don't know much about poetry, but I had a suggestion, maybe you could make all of the lines 8 syllables just to make it more smooth. Here's what I would do:
On and off for so many years
it's sad to say you brought me tears
i wished that we could ever last,
but now i'm kidding - now i'm fine
Now I don't wish that you were mine.
Moving on with someone that's new
They're definitely better too
Our chances together were slim
And on top of that, I've got him.
(I also agree that the lemonade part doesn't make very much sense). The feelings are really great and I really love this poem! Keep writing!
~Sivershade797
That is very good. I just think you don't need to add the part about the lemonade.
Hello Riley,
is it okay if i call you that? Anyway.........
This is a great poem, i love how your emotion changed in the middle were you said
"I was kidding I'm fine" "Don't want you back".
I can tell how the feelings are by the words and that's good. I don't see any grammar problems, that's good.
Its short but it gets the message out there,
and its simple but special.
I hope to read more from you
Sincerely Anma
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here to talk about your poem on this lovely day, I'll try to make it short.
Okay so to me this was a really well written poem. I saw nothing wrong with it at all, I thought your riming was very clever and well done. It made the poem a lot more enjoyable So well done. Now I understand this poem is about a breakup, so if this is how you feel then I am very sorry if this happened to you. But the emotion you put into this poem was what really made it. As I read this I could feel what you were feeling. And I think who ever had gone through a breakup should read this poem, because you are showing us, that you shouldn't dwell in the past, but move on. And I think it is very true. So well done.
Well that it for me today. I loved reading and reviewing your poem. It was really fun. I hope you never stop writing and I hope to see more of your works out on YWS soon. Have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing this a fiery passion.