Published June 1, 2011
string me up with the guitar
that strummed my heart
just like those other bands
string me up with the thoughts
with the voynich words
we couldn't understand.
Real life thoughts
unlike our world
it's all this facade
we've been playing
for the crowd
it's all this visage
we've been falling
to the ground
The ground is soft
over my face
the ground is soft.
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Not exactly sure what this is supposed to mean... And I agree, you could use a bit more punctuation. Also, near the end, you repeat 'ground' three times. A bit redundant, no? There are a few other places you repeat a word, close together ('soft', 'thoughts') Anyway, you need to clean it up, technical wise, and then maybe make your message a bit clearer?
This is an interesting poem.
Which is an important part in poetry.
I don't really understand what it's supposed to be about and you definitely need more punctuation and some help with your flow.
Other than that though it's ok.
So, good job because I felt the emotion in it
Keep writing,
Alzora