Blurb
Ryan Adams moves to what he thinks is a new town, but is actually a new planet. He isn't accepted in a school he needs to get into, but not just for the education.
When Ryan is rejected he has to team up with his new friends and save theirs and the rest of the worlds existance, but can they save it in time?
Intro
I start walking. I can feel a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach as I open the double doors. I step one foot in and the bell rings. I am surrounded by hundreds of boys and girls, that know what there doing here. Unfortunately I don't, I have never been one for education. I sigh heavily as I look for my class, I was nervous. Really nervous. I have never been used to being around people my age, I didn't have any friends not really. My closest friend was my dog, Jack. I have no intention of making any friends, I just want to leave.
My name is Ryan Adams. I am 14 and currently living with my Uncle. I have short-ish brown hair, I am quite tall. Well whatever you could call average size according to my Uncle. I have just moved from England. I do not even know where this place it, but it is definately not normal.
Episode 1-Monday
I walked up too a desk with a small crumpled lady sat behind it, her glasses were balanced on the end of her nose and she was reading a book entitled 'How to kill- the book for amateurs, by X-larfer T. Sanders'
"um.. excuse me?" I said ringing a little bell for assistance.
"Hello, how may I help you?" the crumpled lady said.
"I-I'm new and I am lost.. could you point me in the right direction?" I asked, clearing my throat.
"oh, I see. If I could take your name then I can help, If your new you must be registered into the school" she mumbled and turned to computer.
"I am Ryan Adams" I said.
"Never heard of you" she answered blankly. I pulled a confused face, "excuse me?" I said.
"Your not registered into the school, you do not exist" she said a little louder, as if I couldn't hear.
I turned around and bumped into a girl, She had long black hair and hazel eyes. She glared at me. "I-I am sorry" I said nervously.
"You should be." she said angrily and hurried on. I rolled my eyes and walked outside. I pulled out my cellphone, I called my uncle.
"Damn!!! No signal" I said shoving it in my pocket.
The bell went for next period. I shook my head and asked people passing by if they had a cellphone, I patted one girl on the back. She turned around.
"What, you again?" she said frowning, "what now?" she added.
"um..d-do you have a cell phone?" I said.
"Yes." she answered firmly.
"Can I borrow it?" I asked.
"No" she said stubbornly, and walked off. I sighed, "I guess I will get the bus home" I said shaking my head.
I waited at the nearest bus stop. I waited longer. I stared at my watch, I had been sat here 2 hours. I stared at the bus times.
'Buses to not run on a Monday after 9:00am' I read aloud. I looked at my watch. 11:00am. Typical I thought and sat in the bus shelter. I played a puzzle game on my phone to pass time but it didn't work. This Monday felt unrealistic, like a dream. But it was all real.
I saw the girl with black hair again, she stormed out of the school. She walked straight past me. I went to talk to her.
"Hey! are you okay?" I called.
"Leave me alone, sheesh!" she shouted back. but she stopped.
I ran up to her, "'sup?" I said shrugging, "I do not exist" she said.
"I am unregistered therefore I cannot live for much longer, my existance is limited now. Soon I will not exist" she said, her hair hid her face, she looked down at her feet, she had black shoes with a little pom pom on each shoe. a little cute on this stubborn girl.
"I wasn't registered either.." I said, "I just moved here" I added, she probably didn't care but I said it anyway.
"oh.. at least people will miss me" she said throwing her hair over her should and walking away.
I got a little angry but I just stood and watched her walk away.
"Wierd.." I said shuddering.
Next Chapter will be Tuesday- New Friends
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hello there! I don't think I've seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.
Hehe, blurb is an awesome word. But most times it's better to include those kinds of things as "Author's Notes" so that they're not confused with the story.
And one last note before the actual critique begins, it's existence* rather than existance.
Onto the critique!
This is just awkward -- step one foot in? I'd find a different word to use instead of "step."
The presence of "not really" is totally unnecessary. Get rid of it. Also, break this up into two sentences or change the comma to a hyphen/semicolon.
No info dumping! Don't just throw information like this at us. It's boring. What you want to do is let people onto that kind of thing subtly, through the action in the story. It keeps things moving and makes life *so* much more interesting.
If this information isn't relevant to the story, it's best to just get rid of it.
Well, if he's new, *would* she have heard of him? (Disregarding the grammar error here)
This could be worded better -- something like "I turned around and bumped into a girl with long black hair and hazel eyes."
This little quip is unnecessary -- she was the last one to speak, and nothign has really passed between when she started & when she stopped. So this is pointless & redundant.
*Random note* My, first period was awfully short. He barely has time to go talk to the secretary for what, five minutes? Then he bumps into the girl and boom! Bell. Seems like either a gaping plothole or the best school ever established.
Change "to" to "do," and have you honestly heard of a place that randomly stops their buses after 9.00 a.m. on a Monday, which is during the work week and when they'd be likely to get a helluva lot of business? Plot hole much.
Grammar issues are in bold below. ^^
Quick mini-lesson, they're vs their vs there:
They're: Short for they are. "They're taking the dog to the groomer."
There: Indicates location. "The water fountain is over there."
Their: Possessive. "That is their ball."
"Too" means "also." The other "to" is a different story. And two is a number.
Quick mini-lesson, end-of-dialogue punctuation:
When you have dialogue that is neither a question nor exclamation nor the end of the sentence, you put a comma between the last word and the quotation marks. For example:
"I have to go to school," Bobby said as he ran out the door.
Another note: If something is followed by speech tags and is not a question or exclamation, it's a comma and not a period.
Okay, my lover of independent clauses. This could easily be transformed into an independent clause with a dependent clause. Present participle, anyone?
I recommend "I pulled out my cell phone, calling my uncle" or "I pulled out my cell phone to call my uncle."
And yes, cell phone is two words.
*Random note* Watch your capitalisation and keep an eye out for places where you need commas. If I pointed them all out I'd be here for twenty years.
He had been sat there? That is passive and just plain clunky and awkward. Try "I had been sitting there for two hours." And yes, spell out the menial number.
Final comments:
Okay. Seriously. Slow your pace down. There is nothing here -- no sensory description, no substance. Just dialogue and a lot of random happenings. Where's the opportunity to connect with the character? Where is the emotion? What are the characters thinking, what are they feeling? Let us *really* get a good look at their lives. Describe this as best you can, although there is a fine line between description and info dumping. You definitely need to expand on this so that your reader will start to care more about your characters and, overall, your story.
(Not to mention your plotline has the potential to be *really* cliche, unless you pull it off well.)
Best of luck!
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Does the world really need another story about high school?
No. Don't just tell us everything about the main character. Show us. If he's from England, have him speak with an British accent and use Brit slang. And he doesn't even know where he moved to? Come on.
Isn't that a red flag?
Lay off on the adverbs.
Be sure to double-space your paragraphs. It makes it much easier to read.
This is pretty bland, and your grammar and spelling is all over the place. The dialogue is uninspired. The premise could be interesting if executed properly -- but that's not happening.
Keep writing, but proofread.
Prokaryote
This post will be deleted momentarily.
Simply a test. Apologies.
Hi there! Haven't seen you around before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today!
Just a word to the wise -- it's spelled "existence," not "existance."
Oh, and "blurb" is a great word. xD Although sometimes it's better to put those as Author's Notes.
Enough rambling -- onto the critique!
Aagh! Info dump. No one likes an info dump. They're *so* boring. Try and sprinkle in description along with the action instead of just dumping it on your reader.
The following are grammar changes, which are bolded.
There vs they're vs their 2-minute lesson:
There is in reference to location. "The ball is over there."
They're is short for they are. "They're going to the movies."
Their is possessive. "It's their ball."