A bard of yore strode in to fight, a sight uncommon even then
He came to help his kingdom, clutching sword and clutching pen
And holding fast the reins of verse which pulled him all his life
As he fought he carved out words, both with his pen and with his knife
Declaiming: O, barbarians who come with hearts of fire
Know that a poet's come to sing without his harp or lyre
A blade's a fitting substitute, although the key is sharp
But sharp's superior to flat when I'm without my harp!
And as the noble bard fought on, and the mist of death grew thicker
His words became less eloquent and his tempo became quicker
The banners tore, the fires burned, and happiness was gone
But although the captains fell, the bard of yore fought on
Roaring:
See through the mist of battle, soldiers! Look forth to the dawn
Glimpse the daylight winking 'fore all hope is gone
and...and blaze your way to glory, panacea for us glory
And hope that someday some of us will stay to sing the story
And hope that someday one of us remains to tell the story!
And he grunted and he thrashed and he dropped his bright facade
The men were yet disheartened and they looked but toward their god
The song they heard was mournful and lost all semblance of rhyme
Yet the poet still pushed onward, for he knew it was his time
Howling:
Sing my music encroachers!
Sing the war songs that evey man hums
and taps his feet to
for the tone-deaf to catch
Sing it (grunting as he parried)
and harmonize with the young men who dance to it
(he pulled it from a corpse)
and fall dead in the ballroom
Sing it to the mothers who play dirges
over cradles
(rending armor)
and the fathers who drum a low, steady beat
to guide the footsteps of their children
Can you hear the drums?
(Blood came from his side)
Can you sing the dirges, encroachers?
(he tasted iron)
I will teach you!
(a primal cry)
The bards will teach you!
The bards of the world
will teach you the lyrics
to the songs in your heart!
The soldiers rose in heady rush and tumbled forth, inspired
They heard "Now the chorus, everyone!"
and the noble bard expired.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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I wasn't so sure about the rhythm. It worked sometimes and at others it didn't . Your rhymes seemed a little forced sometimes, but overall, I did like the poem.
I liked the song at the end, punctuated by the parentheses and the actions. It really drew me in. Congrats on the unique style.
The story reminds me a great deal of 'Cyrano de Bergerac' and the poetic warrior. Any influence from that, or did you come up with this on your own?
Congrats once more on the fine piece of work. *applause*
~GryphonFledgling
I agree with them abocve it was a really good piece to read. Careful of the commas and placing them. I always have trouble with that also so your not alone. If you need me Just PM me ok.
Sincerely SimonCowellLuver
Indeed a very interesting piece in which you successfully capture the pace and intensity of battle- not an easy thing to do. However my main qualm with this body of verse is the rhyming scheme- while it fits, it seems a little awkward- but far be it from me to critique structure.
Otherwise well done and keep up the GOOD writing.
Yours
SHM
That was...
really awesome. It seemed a little bit weird the way you wrote it, and some of your rhymes seemed a tiny bit forced, but there didn't really seem to be any problem! It was like being forced almost fit it. This is one of the best poem's I've ever read....
The only problem was that near the end it got kind of confusing... but still very good.
I have no specific edits! Your rhythm seemed pretty good overall, even if not perfect. Rhyming was good, and the storyline was amazing!
Keep writing!!
Teh Wozzinator