Published October 4, 2007
I like to think that I live in a bubble
The set of all those disinterested
With convivial sadness
And rhyming strife
Still, I hear the peals of nervous laughter
In the cleat-slough on the linoleum
Broken twigs underfoot
Window shades for the sun
And the insect whine of the TV
Crying in a bubble is inadvisable.
But irritation is unavoidable
and a suspension
of discussion
of depression
is admirable
For mankind is grown from the garden of chances,
Every exponential zero a miracle
To be counted and kissed
With fragile tears of fecund joy
Those who find significance in numbers
are cold mathematicians
But I am a poet
And with sadness and time insignificant
I can find time to count the zeroes.
(Edited for flow)
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141,428 Literary Works • 674,410 Reviews
SIG FIGS! Ah, chemistry, physics, and/or math...
The whole bubble, oblivious, avoiding gloom and sadness thing is awfully cliche and isn't an attractive beginning. Pull your reader in with carefully chosen words and interesting images, not a whole stanza of navel-gazing.Meaning. I really like what you're saying here, the part about counting the zeroes and all, setting apart the soft and hard sciences. What I don't understand is the purpose of being in a bubble.
You begin with the speaker being in this proverbial bubble, but at "For mankind is grown from the garden of chances," it all changes, and you fail to return to the beginning idea. The first half incorporated none of the second half, and vice versa. I'd like to see things a little tighter knit.
Diction. For the most part, your word choice was decent. I take issue with two stanzas in particular:
I must say, I love the first line; it's very candid and humorous in its own way, and it's probably one of your best lines. But what follows just ruins the whole stanza for me. Words, words, words, with no sentences or meanings truly attached to them. Readers find long lists of words unappetizing.
Imagery. You have some lovely images and attention to detail here, and I'd love to see you bring it out more. Here are some great examples:
Good work, and keep it up!
-Colleen
Honestly, I've never read a poem about math before. I think you did a great job describing the completely different world that is math. It didn't flow well in some places, but I liked your word choices, like "fecund." They really added a sophisticated touch to the poem.
Not much more than vague generalities seem to be happening here. I think you could make everything a bit tighter, spread ideas out through the whole poem, and choose your words more carefully. There are some nice lines, but as they aren't well-bracketed, they lose their effect.
that was a great poem, but it didn't flow very well and got kinda murky in places. as much as i'd like to do a line-by-line, i gotta run.
I think that this poem is extremely good.
I like the lines
'To be counted and kissed
With fragile tears of fecund joy'
especially.
Keep up the good work
x