I woke up and ran to your room
to enter blank desire.
My heart renched out to call your name
I felt as though on fire.
You left me with not a sign
to show me where to look.
I cry and muster infliction
on the pains it may have took.
I fear that if you saw me
before you took your leave,
the love I felt for you
may have been recieved.
Maybe you would have forgotten
the reasons to destroy.
Let me inform you of a fact
my heart is not a toy.
You owe me of a reason,
you owe me all the facts.
For without them my dear love
I'm sorry,
But I'll never take you back.
----------------------------
Hehe, tear this one up too. I'm just starting to find my old poetry.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Very nice! Overall I thoroughly enjoyed this poem.
Its rythm and simplicity are what, in my opinion, make it such a nice poem. Your word choice is very good too. However i do agree with bubblewrapped, some of the rythm is kind of awkard. Also the text cited below was a little off too:
Both, I believe, have one syntax error each. See if you can find them!
Great Writing!
Keep up the good work!
~Bard
Tear it up? No way! I like this, it's interesting. But (and you knew this was coming) there are a few flaws...
Something I find helpful is if you first write down what you're trying to say (hang the rhythm and the rhyme), then trim it to fit the rhythm, then experiment with alternatives to find a rhyme that suits. In other words, try to fit the rhyme to the poem rather than the poem to the rhyme. Or is that vice versa? **cross-eyed moment**
1. Rhythm. When it's on target, it's awesome. Quick, punchy and direct. Makes a change from soppy greeting-card-esque poetry, which is how this topic is usually addressed. The problem, however, is that you often go off beat and make lines too long/short which screws with it. So I'd perhaps try to sort that out, if I were you. On a more positive note, I love the way you've separated the stanzas into two lines each - it makes the rhyme unexpected and very cool IMHO
2. Coherency. Like many rhyming poems, this one has a tendency to sacrifice sense for the opportunity to throw in a rhyming word or in order to keep to the rhythm. Baaad Rieda!
Anyway. Some of your resultant lines are a little bit bizarre ("you owe me of a reason"? "I cry and muster infliction/on the pains it may have took"?) so I'd work on that too. Also, as far as overall sense goes, I *think* I understand what you mean, but it's jumbled. Perhaps you could work on changing the order of the stanzas a little so that the "story" flows better. For instance, the change between stanzas 7 and 8 is rather abrupt. Reasons to destroy what? I'm left floundering here. More specifics might help too.
So yeah, you probably knew all that if this is an old poem, but those are my main complaints LOL. I kind of like this, I think because it is more defiant and self-possessed than the usual "break-up" type poem.
Anyway. I'd better go.
Toodles,
~bubbles