Published January 27, 2008
The Earth is small,
with big mistakes.
Filling minds
with no breaks.
Anxiety takes over,
Crushes the mind.
Making you feel,
Like you're left behind.
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,703 Reviews
Overall, it was a sweet poem. Nothing grand or lyrical. The biggest problem is that it is forgettable. Even writing this, I can barely recall a word of it. Not something you want you're poem to do.
I don't think the problem is length. It's word choice. It was a bit 'stream of conscience.' But, not in a personable way.
a bit short but i liked it........keep up the good work ^_^
This was okay. I'm not sure what you mean by "no breaks" though - it sounds a little like you wrote this just for the sake of rhyming, which rarely turns out well. Also, it sounds a little...unfinished. Like I'm still waiting for you to say more, but you don't. I think it just needs expanding a little. A little more filler perhaps - it has potential to be a very good poem. Keep writing!
It was good! cute, but short...When your sister gets older tell her to write more, she has an awesome start!
It's good, but with a little more time, it will be great!
Keep it up.
you shouldn't have stopped, it was good, but if you kept going, you would have amde it even better (seriously)!!!
(I don't agree with via, it does make sense and plus it rhymes)
see you all!
This was a bit confusing because... it doesn't really make sense. The lines don't fit together very well.
I like your flow and your rhyming, and I liked the story of the poem, but it needs to be made longer so as to help put everything together. It's like every sentence is really good, but when you put the sentences together, it doesn't make sense.
It's a nice poem, but you need to make it longer and give us more explanation.
Keep writing!!!
Teh Wozzinator
I like this but keep going. I mean by this is you need more in this poem. I like the rhyme scheme of the poem nice how you kept the same rhyme scheme going through
out the poem.
"Anxiety takes over,
Crushes the mind.
Making you feel,
Like you're left behind"
This stanza is ok but how does this go with the earth being small? I don't get it but love the rhyming.
Keep it up.
:p Gothgirl01
I liked this poem. It was short, but it was sing-song and to the point. What point that was exactly, I'm not entirely sure, thought I am guessing paranoia about the condition of the world.
Everyone before me has critiques, so I won't offer any, but I will say that I did like the way the poem flowed. Each line was cut short, but still was powerful.
I dunno, I'm not a huge poetry critic, but I greatly enjoyed it. It made me feel like I was being strangled a little, the way the words stamped out their message.
Great job.
~GryphonFledgling
Hey Rieda!
This is an okay little ditty. The problem with poems this short, though, is everything has to be absolutely perfect for it to work because there is no saving it later on if it isn't.
L1-2 and L3-4 seem completely serperate from each other. What does the small earth with mistakes have to do with the filling of the mind? I would try adding a stanza starting with L3-4 (of course, that means you'll need a new L3-4 to end the first stanza and a new L7-8).
Again we have a disconnection between L5-6 and L7-8. They don't flow with each other. Also L7-8 do this "you" thing that isn't done throughout the rest of the poem so I would reword that not to include "you".
The biggest issue here, I think, is that it's both a lot of info in a small area and not enough info to leave an impact. Why are you writing this? Why should I care about the earth and the mind? What's the purpose/point you are trying to make?
Good luck and Happy Editing!
Very nice although I was disappointed
with the length of it. My mind was
anticipating more than what was written.
Maybe another stanza or two to gradually
lead the poem to and end.
I really actually like this.
Its not to long, and its a good subject to write a poem about because it provides you with a lot of stuff to talk about. The rhythm and rhyming is neat and it works, so it makes the poem fun to read over in one's head.
Nice one!
This is really cute, Rieda, and I like it. The rhyming works and I like where you've decided to place the line breaks.
A small issue comes with your last line. Although I like the line itself, I think it works well and sounds great, it doesn't provide an end. When I read it I can't help but think there should be more coming afterwards. It leaves me with a sense of reading half the poem, and waiting to see the rest. Perhaps another stanza, or just a slightly more powerful end line may help this?
I also like how you've appraoched a familiar topic. Having anxiety about the world, feeling claustrophobic with all the worries and issues and what not, is something I've seen before (and felt before) but you've done this in a different way, making me think less on angest and more on the lyric unfairness of the situation.
Well done, I enjoyed this a lot.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.