Poison me with endless promises.
Tell me I’m worth nothing.
Shun my every hope so you can,
Feed my lust with something.
Tell me now that who I am
Is someone out of place.
Tell me that I’m negative.
That I am wasted space.
Send nausea to my every curve.
Wring my tears to pool.
Swim inside my adolescence.
Drown me in your cruel.
Pick me up and hang me
To dry inside your sorrow.
Tell me that this will be over.
I’ll be back tomorrow.
I’ll feel better, I’ll feel fine.
Say that I’m corrected.
Hold my shoulders in your arms.
Pretend that I’m protected.
Send my thoughts to lullaby.
Put my dreams away.
Strip me of my everything.
Let your lessons stay.
Dress me in your mourning silk.
Teach me to belong.
Prop me at the windowsill.
Hope that I stay strong.
Keep eyes on my preposition.
Prepare a different goal.
Know that I was different once
And now I’m part of whole.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Umm, I'd have to disagree with the others about that stanza, it sounds find to me. You had great rhyme, it flowed quite naturally, and I saw the story perfectly. I really enjoyed this poem.
Keep them coming
Wild
OK, I agree with Kylan that there isn't enough rhyming nowadays. You did a fantastic job with this poem though. I really liked it. I don't think there is anything worth correcting.
I definately agree with Meevs. That stanza makes no sense. Then again, poetry doesn't need to make sense. However, my advice is to cut it out. The poem is fantastic otherwise because your voice is original and you use a rhyming form of poetry. There's too little of that nowadays.
Last thing: this line "Tell me that this will be over." does not match the meter of the rest of the stanza. Try maybe,
"Tell me that this will soon be over.
And i’ll be back tomorrow."
Other than those comments, keep up the good work!
rhyme on!
-Kylan
Ok I really liked this, its emotional and you have kept it original, Only thing I didn't like was:
In all honesty, I'm not sure why I didn't like this bit, It just didn't fit in right when i read it...all the other stanzas did just not this bit :S weird eh? might just be me
good luck with the rest of your work
Meevs
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