Published January 31, 2008
I’m…good.
Tell me that you love me and I’ll
Say I love you too.
Tell me that it’s over and
The relationship is through.
You’re broke and I get the bill,
I’ll give you everything.
You need to hear a love song, and
Eventually, I’ll sing.
It’s raining and you have no coat,
Well here you go, take mine.
Bad day and you need to vent?
I’ll listen to you whine.
You need a break from me, and I
Am gone without a sound.
Want to have me back, and you
Are sure I’ll come around.
But one thing you can’t ask of me,
One thing I just won’t do,
Is dump the guy I’m seeing
So, that I can be with you.
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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
i really like it....but im not a very good judge...sometime your ganna have to tell me what its all about.........keep up the good work ^_^
This is a really lovely piece. I love the flow and the rhyme, and the ending is great.
I think the rhythm is a little off in places. Maybe try reading this aloud so that you can get a better sense of it. I think I'd try chaneg lines three and four to;
"If you say it's over this
relationship is through."
as I think that it flows a little better.
Maybe try, "You go broke, I get the bill."
I love;
"You need to hear a love song, and
Eventually, I’ll sing. "
I'd try;
"Want to have me back? You can
Be sure I'll come around."
I'd change"can't" to "cannot", or else try
"but there's one thing you can't ask of me", as I think it flows a little better.
I'd cut the comma after "so", as I'm not sure you need it.
Overall,I really enjoyed this.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Uh The rhyming isn't so good I think because it doesn't go through the whole poem just at the beginning. If you want a nice flow in your poem keep the same rhyme scheme throughout the entire poem.
Gothgirl01
Good beat and rythym. Flowing. Emotion well expressed. Not enough details. Readers want lots of details to keep them interested. We pretty much want a learning experience other than school.