Published December 4, 2008
NOTE: I thought this deserved some explanation. It actually is about an eating disorder. Bulimia, in which I am still harshly recovering from for about a year now. I actually wrote this to myself a while back but as I was moving through I thought I should post it to make it seem a little more impersonal. Who knows, maybe show someone out there I know what they're going through.
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We crave, we want, we
think we need.
A hollow through my lips we feed.
My tongue in waves of nausea pour.
And slither to my open sore.
Contort my innards,
stretch my flesh,
this body opens,
closed like mesh.
It hurts. Let go.
Get out and run.
Purge out,
purge in.
we're never done.
One deal closer; finish line.
the prize perfection almost mine.
We reach and
miss.
I crumble alone.
You can do better,
we should have known.
I'm not a we I'm not an I.
I'm nothing anymore,
goodbye.
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Your poem actually made me squirm. I was so uncomfortable with it. I've experianced bulemic feelings as well, with the whole I-feel-fat-I'm-gonna-go-stuff-myself, but I've never quite been able to make myself throw up (my hand never fit all the way down my throat). Your poem brought back those feelings and it was almost painful to read it.
I'm not going to comment on the technical stuff, because it seems insignificant in such a moving poem. Great job!
Eek! You would come up with some creepy poem about bulimia.
Good luck with this! It's good that you're trying to get this out of your system without getting the other stuff out of your system. 
Anyway! I know you want a video critique but... you're going to get an MTV critique first. XD That is, it'll be brief since apparently I have to go to bed or something. Strange, I know.
closed like mesh. <-- this line kind of sucks. Can you think of another word? Maybe you have to change "flesh." But this isn't working at all.
It hurts. Let go. <-- Should be "Let's." With apostrophe.
You can do better,
we should have known. <-- These lines are a little bit unclear. What do you want to say?
I'm not a we I'm not an I.
I'm nothing anymore,
goodbye. <-- This ending seems to end a little bit too hastily. You should try to fix that up.
Anyway, I hope I haven't completely ruined this poem.
In this short poem, you said a lot.
There are a few parts that are a bit different. It has a nice rhyming patorn and is in a steady tempo which is very nice in a poem.
The only problem in this entire poem is that it is just plain abstract. Yes it is good to let the mind think, but the mind should realize in the end what you were trying to say and here it didn't. It's all good and well when you tell us what you wrote and why, but the poem should also tell us.
Very good. I like this ending. Very powerful, but not too powerful and that is good.
It is a good poem, just a bit unclear. I understand why you wrote it. The poem on the other hand also has to be able to tell it.
Hope this helps.(A bit)
Whoa, that's a nice poem, if you like that kind of poems, but i think you used nice vocabulary, and similies and other literary terms. i'm glad your getting better with your eating disorder, that must of hurt bad? anyway good job. ( you can check out my blog too.)
This might be me getting totally the wrong idea here, but this poem made me think of an eating disorder. I guess my view is twisted, I think I see it everywhere >.< but that's what I saw.
Anyway, I love your rhyming, it's nice and clever and not flashy or annoying. There are a couple of funny ones, like "open sore" would normally be "sores" I guess, and because that doesn't fit with the rhyme... well it sounds a bit odd.
Another line I was unsure about was "this body opens/closed like mesh" - I'm not sure about the open and close image, why open and then close? I might have missed some point =] maybe it would be better for me to read if it was more obvious what you meant, in a way.
I love the rhythm of it, I felt in a way like I was falling through the poem, it dragged me on through it. I think because of the short lines you used, very effective.
The only part of the poem I really didn't like was the last word "goodbye", it was too much, to sudden and cut off in comparison to the rest of it. Although I did like "I'm nothing anymore" a lot =]
Decent. It's short and sweet.
Probably the best stanza. I has a nice crisp rhyme, I really liked it.
Ok, my main problem with this, and the rest of the poem, is the fact that you don't explain what the situation is about. Other then that, pretty good.
Again crisp and to the point, however change It hurts. Let go. to It hurts, let go.
Again, i have no idea what you are referring to here, or am I just missing something obvious?
Ok, know you're adding some more to the poem. The poem seems to be about some lovers.
Ok, this stanza is the weakest of them all, the ending is forced.
To summarize= the word usage was excellent, and as a collection of words it was excellent.
But you need to expand on the story a lot.
I would give this poem a 84/100