z

Young Writers Society



Assailed #2

by Riedawriter23


"Well this is certainly something." Jon said blankly after seeing the small dorm him and Liza would be sharing. It consisted of a small privy with a washtub, a couple of miscellaneously placed dressers and two small beds placed almost side-by-side.

Liz tried to yank her eyes away but couldn't. The last time they had stayed together, they had a wall to part where they slept and dressed. It occurred to her that a wall hadn't stopped them from being with each other, and this really wouldn't, had it ever happened again.

Her gaze traveled to his and then they both looked away from each other. Liza coughed. "Um, well, we could find a way to work this out." Her voice quivered with un-sureness. Slowly she went between the beds and pushed one that she had claimed far over to the next wall with her thighs. Almost as if he new what were to come next, Jon too pushed his against the opposite wall.

They looked at what they had done and then sighed. The beds only stood about one and a half feet apart, not nearly as affective as a wall but it would have to do. There was a long and uncomfortable silence and Jon sat on his bed wide-eyed. "L..let me see your schedule Liz." She forked it over immediately glad to hear some form of dialog and then sat opposite him on her own lumpy mattress as he handed her his crumpled sheet of paper.

Their eyes scanned quickly and then they looked at each other again. "Jon, you're schedule is the weirdest I've known. You have, Knight training with me, Remanism History and Arithmetic, Classes of etiquette, and more knight training? It's as if they're training you for war, aren't you worried?"

He shook his head. "I'm more worried about you and you're schedule Liz. Knight training, Imageline History and Arithmetic, Kama' classes twice in a row?! They're filling your day with magic and nothing but! You'll be over-worked!" She scowled and they re-exchanged schedules.

"I won't be the one over-worked, you're doing all the physical stuff." We shooed a hand at her.

"Magic is extremely physical, you don't think it just works your mind?!" Her pale cheeks took on a rare shade of scarlet and she looked down at her bitten fingernails.

"Liza, are you serious, after all you've been through, you didn't think..."

"I was never taught Jon, you know that." he nodded and put a comforting hand over hers, she began shivering furiously and he took it away.

"Well, you will be now, just be thankful for that. I was only worried like I said, it is always possible for Kama' to get over-worked. Two classes in a row could murder, and the test at the end.....I'm just worried." She smiled a little.

"You've said worried three times now." He laughed.

"Yes, and I very well mean it." A bell sounded over them and they looked at each other confused for a moment until realizing lunch was being served. They hurriedly rushed to the washroom, straightening their selves in the mirror and then left through the door having a trouble exiting at the same time.

______________________________________________________________________

There were hardly any girl warriors at Gampton's. Liza almost felt ashamed for stepping foot in the place. Everyone scowled in her direction as she walked by murmuring things she only caught a few words of.

"Yeah, she's a Kama', dangerous as well.", or "Really, I heard she killed her friend at Jorinton's" She attempted to hold her eyes low covering her peppered freckles as best she could with her over-grown bangs.

She had also realized that those of the male gender wouldn't take their eyes off of her. They weren't scowling she noticed only after looking up.

"Hey, come sit by us doll, we're not afraid of you!" she looked up at Jon who wrapped a protective arm around her shoulder making her feel only slightly uncomfortable. "She's our Kama' Knight, keep your hands off of her." She heard a loud group of laughter and then blushed again shyly wondering why Jon still kept his arm around her.

She heard her name yelled loudly and did her best to ignore it not knowing how they found her name in the first place. Then Jon slid his arm from her shoulder giving her an uneasy feeling as he turned her into another direction.

It took her a while to notice but after taking a few more steps forward she caught sight of her old gang of friends from Jorinton all sitting at a table. She smiled and rushed over them with Jon beating her there of course.

"I thought you all weren't coming to Gampton!" She said, looking around at them all. There were her two friends Remera and Remena, twin female wilins with long lush auburn hair that trailed down their backs and a matching pair of deep-set almond eyes. Sitting next to them was Jack, he was a tall curly-haired youth with a semi-strong build and wide brown eyes. The other two next to him were Kenneth and Feren. Feren was more of the quiet sort. He was thinly muscular and gorgeous in his facial features always with a great mind for schoolwork. Last year they had needed his help on numerous occasions. Kenneth on the other hand was more on the hefty side. He was brilliant at wrestling, could loose some weight, but in any other aspect was a perfect strength to handle all of his training. It was schoolwork he had to worry about.

She sat down on the other side of Remera and Jon on the side of her until the round table was fit to capacity. They all huffed out a long breath, happy to see old friends. Then Jack began to talk. “Liza, you’re hair…it’s short.” Jon ran another hand through her short hair, a habit he had taken on since she first cut it. She didn’t know if it was because he was happy for its new length, or disappointed that she had butchered it.

“Yes I had to cut it. I wouldn’t have done very good in knight training with it trailing down my back.” The twins both set appalled hands to their chest and gasped murmuring something quickly to each other that nobody could slow enough to understand and then flipping their hair back at the same time as if brushing off the comment.

“Anyway…” Liz continued wanting to get something out of her system she thought only her friends would understand. “Doesn’t this school seem a bit odd to you? I mean, I haven’t seen any teachers since the man that greeted Jon and I at the door, and our schedules. It just seems so odd to me.” Feren nodded finding himself comfortable enough to talk.

“You all have odd schedules just as we do then.” Her and Jon nodded and then they all looked around at each other. “Is it like they’re trying to place you in a specific place, not allowing you to choose?” Liza nodded more furiously and attempted to chew her nails before Jon grabbed her hand and placed it at her side by instinct. “I heard they’re looking for someone.” Feren continued.

“Who and why are they looking. I heard that the teachers here know us all by name.” Jon asked still holding Liz’s hand down firmly until she reluctantly stopped restraining and kept it down on her own.

“Its not names of people they’re looking for. They’re looking for the prophecy, the one who holds the ultimate power, they wouldn’t tell anyone as to work up suspicions and start rumors but its obvious enough. The Professors are probably eyeing us right now though we can’t see them, I hear they can do that.”

“What can’t you hear?” Said Jon a little shakily with hardly an ounce of humor attached. Feren scowled and leaned back away from the interested others releasing only a little tension from the recent subject.

“Jon! I’m in need of answers…so shh!” Liza said as she leaned in to make up for Feren’s move back. This had been her question, why did he have to ruin this for her?

“Well,” Started Feren again, giving a slight glance at Jon and then back at Liz. “Rumor has it, the magic’s holder is you Liz.” She gasped and shook her head.

“Jon’s schedule is odd as well and he’s not Kama’ nor Wilin. They have to be looking for a person not a magic.” Feren made an apologetic look.

“Actually I considered that Liz. Jon’s perfect and, they’re recruiting knights for war. He could be going early.” She was stunned and ceased all movements as she let her jaw drop and hang there. Jon gave Feren a disgusted look and grabbed Liza by the arm having to walk her all the way up the winding staircase and to their bedchambers.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
116 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 116

Donate
Sun Feb 04, 2007 8:18 pm
Lilyy03 wrote a review...



I think you did a good job at the beginning of depicting the conflict and chemistry between the two characters. :)

But as Elein said, there are some spelling, grammar, and sentence structure issues... By proofreading carefully, you could probably catch them yourself, so I won't list them all here.

Her voice quivered with un-sureness.

Uncertainty would be a better word.

There were her two friends Remera and Remena

A tip, if these girls are going to have much part in the future: don't give them names that are so very similar. It'll be confusing.

The twins both set appalled hands to their chest

Err, I find "appalled hands" to be rather weird, lol.

Jon asked still holding Liz’s hand down firmly until she reluctantly stopped restraining

I thought Jon was doing the restraining? A better word here might be "resisting".

You do seem to have a good plot in here, so fix up all the little mistakes, and this'll be part of a good story. :)




User avatar
571 Reviews


Points: 14170
Reviews: 571

Donate
Sun Feb 04, 2007 6:44 pm
Esmé wrote a review...



Quote:
"Well this is certainly something." Jon said blankly after seeing the small dorm him and Liza would be sharing.
Dialogue punctuation: comma instead of a period after ‘something’. Also, ‘he’ instead of ‘him’.

Quote:
Liz tried to yank her eyes away but couldn't.
Can you yank your eyes away? -Not sure here, don’t think I’m being sarcastic or anything. Another thing, adding ‘but found that she couldn’t’ would make the sentence smoother.

Quote:
It occurred to her that a wall hadn't stopped them from being with each other, and this really wouldn't, had it ever happened again.
Unclear sentence alert. Reread this, check the times.

Quote:
Her gaze traveled to his and then they both looked away from each other.
I’m not sure what’s wrong here, it’s probably perfectly fine, but somehow it doesn’t read too well.

Quote:
Her voice quivered with un-sureness.
That is really not a word. Look in a thesaurus if you need to.

Quote:
Slowly she went between the beds and pushed one that she had claimed far over to the next wall with her thighs. Almost as if he new what were to come next, Jon too pushed his against the opposite wall.
Comma after ‘slowly’. ‘The one’ to ‘one’? That’s just a suggestion, though. Also, I don;’t like the term ‘next wall’ somehow. New=knew, the ‘too’ shouldn’t be there.


Okay, from this point I won’t correct every teeny grammar mistake, okay? I advise you to just reread it again, aloud.


Quote:
"L..let me see your schedule Liz."
??? Comma after ;schedule’.

Quote:
Their eyes scanned quickly and then they looked at each other again.
Adding all those ‘then’ is disrupting the flow.

Quote:
The beds only stood about one and a half feet apart, not nearly as affective as a wall but it would have to do.
Affective=effective. Period. Make two sentences out of this.
Quote:
You have, Knight training with me, Remanism History and Arithmetic, Classes of etiquette, and more knight training? It's as if they're training you for war, aren't you worried?"
Re-read.


Okay, this is giving me a head-ache… reread this, correct all you can and PM me if you still want a critique from me… You have an interesting plot (I skimmed a bit), but I’m really nitpicky about grammar and I’ll keep on correcting every little mistake…

-elein





Poems were like people. Some people you got right off the bat. Some people you just don't get - and never would get.
— Benjamin Alire Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe