(Hi, this isnt part of the story but if you could please read it: This is the first piece I've written on YWS so I would really appreciate it if maybe you could comment or send me a message with any advice on how to improve my writing better, critics or to tell me I've written this in the wrong forum >.<, so here goes, I'm thirteen years old, btw I'm aware that it's not quite finished.)
I remember the stench of rotting dead bodies, the sound of the bloody mud, squelching beneath my heavy boots. My feet were numb from the cold, despite it only being the beginning of Autumn, I'd been wearing the same socks for weeks on end and I could feel the rough seams digging into my ankles, a constant irritation there in the background, like an unwanted itch.
I sprinted through the trenches trying to avoid taking note of the bodies decayed on each side of me. I had no idea what I was doing, I was told to shoot. Just pull the trigger, not to think, thinking was a mistake, one I made on my first day in fact when a German solider had shot straight at me- missing my helmet by half an inch.
I ground at a halt at a gap in the wall, skidding on the slippery mud below me. I raised my gun and looking through to cap. My eye lurched to a solider, his head was turned sideways, focusing on one of my comrades. I ducked and looked through the cap once more; it was the perfect shot.
I let out a long, deep breath and laid my hand on the trigger.
"Daddy!" I swear, right there and then that world stopped spinning. that was Norma's voice. My darling baby Norma, eighteen months old, her mothers blonde curls and my hazel eyes.
I knew at that moment that I could not pull that trigger. The gun in my hand stopped becoming a defence and became a life-ruining, sickening weapon. My fingers were frozen, I tore my eyes away from the cap, I wasn't going to shoot that man. His wife, his children, his family and his friends, waiting at home afraid and waiting; waiting for the person that they loved to come home. It was all over, every German I'd ever killed, their evil, my hatred for what they had done was all wiped away. By killing this man I was tearing apart everyone that loved him, how was it ever a childs fault what I'd heard the Germans had done?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, guys, thank you so much for your advice. @tgirly I didn't actually even think about what would happen to the soldier the German soldier killed, thanks for pointing that out. I'm think I'll do a second part describing what happens next, if I send you all the link could you possibly read it and tell me what you think and if it fits. + @tgirly, I live in the UK, here we spell a lot the words that that US spells with Z with an S, sorry I didn't know it was a mostly American website, but yeah. Thankyou all for your advice! C:
Overall, I thought this was a good topic to hit on. There are many stories on World War Two and soldier's families, but I feel as if not very many touch on the enemy's life. However, I don't think I felt enough coming from the narrator. I like to sense what they sense and for me, it didn't work. In other words, I'd go more into depth on what he's precisely feeling when this is happening. I understand he sees the other soldier as having a family of his own, but I'd like to see more into it. Besides that and a few grammar mistakes others have pointed out, I think it's the beginning of a good story.
BTW: it's spelled Realization, not Realisation. And welcome to YWS!
At the beginning, everything is in past-tense, but then the last half is in present tense. I have trouble remembering to keep in the same tense too, and it's easily fixable. Also, "I ground at a halt" should be "I ground TO a halt."
I really feel like there's something missing here. Why does he have that epiphany right there? It's just a memory of his daughter's voice, so why didn't he have it when he was with his daughter? What made him think of his daughter? If the soldier he was pointing his gun at was about to kill the other soldier who was on his side, than wouldn't it be kinda murdering his ally not to kill the guy about to kill him?
Other than that, you had great imagery. Sorry if my review seemed harsh, it's great writing, you just have to work on the story line a bit. Hope this helped!
-tgirly
I'm gonna assume this is during WW2?
Nice little piece, simple and straight-forward, pretty good grammar over all -BUT I think that there isn't supposed to be a comma between bloody mud and squelching in that first sentence but don't quote me on that I am NOT someone who you should really listen to about grammar XD- and certainly captivating. Wouldn't mind knowing what happened before and after this moment. Just who is this dude? How is his family life? Why does he do what he does? What are the repercussions of this choice? so if you write more i'd definitively like to know!