I want to be a poet
I want to be a poet
yeah
I want to be a poet
I want to make you cry
I want to make you smile
at your computer screen
while the kids are asleep
I want to make you think about
sex
society
war
husbands
I want to sit in the park
with my pen
and my paper
and my black turtleneck
and turn heads
yeah
I'll turn heads
When they see me in the coffee house
on the stage
with the sweaty spotlight
lighting up my sweaty black turtleneck
reading my poems
slow
they will say
I saw her in the park
she is a poet
yeah
she is a poet
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Your teacher is a smart one, he is.
I actually liked this. It sounded like a song to me... but I totally got the materialistic feel reading it. *shrugs* I dunno, just follow the nice critics' advice. I'm horrible at critiquing. Sorry :\
Cool. I think I'll start fresh on this one in the morning though.
You guys are a great help. At first my feelings were hurt, but then I remembered something my Political Philosophy teacher said about ideas. He said "There is an umbilical cord connecting you and your ideas, if someone attacks your idea, they attack you. That is, until you are mature enough to cut the cord and abandon ego, to seek the actual truth."
=]
Many people edit changes right into the original. If it's very, very, drastically different, sometimes they put up a new thread (but I wouldn't recommend it as it can create clutter if abused); what I do for poems is I edit the original post so that the first draft is marked "version one", then I put the new version above/below it and label it "version two" so that there's something to compare it to.
And newbness is all good; we've all been there ^_^
Post it here.
So when I edit this, should I post it here or on a new thread?
('scuse my newbness.)
I liked the idea, but it was a little long. I actually didn't mind the repetition - it sort of reminded me of the poem "The Leader" by Roger McGough. I thought the lines
were inconsistent with the rest of the profile of the 'poet'. The black turtleneck and free emotions and sweaty spotlights all seemed to fit in a different timeframe, or at least a different association (to me, anyway). I'd make it shorter - keep some of the repetition, but throw most of it away, and leave the imagery in (that's the good stuff). It's a good first start - keep it up! I'd love to read more.
In that case, I'd still suggest getting rid of the repetition and in general the format-wise aspects of newness and concentrate on the superficial aspects of the stereotypical poet:
*headdesk* The top line is supposed to be the title. I should have checked the format before posting.
*shrug* I wasn't meaning to make it a serious poem. It's not about someones deep emotional desire to be a poet. It's about how, when I first started writing seriously (6 years ago) I was mostly doing it for show, to be "cool" ect. I was trying to portray that 'newb' feeling.
Probably a poem about being a materialistic novice wasn't a good idea to be my first post here (ha...way to build up a rep Rhea..)
It was on purpose, is what I'm trying to say.
That aside, I also hate the flow of this poem. But one of my common pitfalls is having a REALLY hard time editing a poem for flow while trying to preserve the raw-ness (Pretend that's a word) and emotion.
Well.... If you want to be a poet, study up on writing poetry more ^_~ This was real... flat? You do a whole lot of telling and there isn't really any good meat to this poem. It does come off more like lyrics.
Why not consider reading some books on poetry (The Idiots Complete Guide to Writing Poetry is awesome, and that is no stab at your intelligence! I love the book.) And read more poetry, too, which is the best way to learn. Best of luck.
Yeah it is quirky. I liked it. I needs more imagery and a bit more detail.
Why does she want to be a poet?
How does she become on? etc.
I could picture the scene about the coffee shop. But what's a sweaty spotlight? or do you mean the lights are so hot they make you sweat? Anyway good job!
And keep editing!
Charlotte
I agree. It seems almost like a rap song then a poem.
I'd even out the rhythym, and drop the repetition, and make it more meaningful, and then this could be prett good.
Best wishes,
Pros
I liked this.
It's structure is strange.
The repetition is annoying.
But I actually liked it alot.
It's quirky, and different.
Why should you use other people's stuctures and templates?
Make your own style!
Good work.
If you want to be a poet, you should learn some hard and fast rules right now. Drop the repetition of lines, especially straight after one another -- repetition of lines can be useful in seperate stanzas, but not straight after one another -- that works in songs, perhaps, but not here.
Don't fall into what we call "navel-gazing" -- just writing about yourself. It tends to bore readers.
Learn how to find rhythm and flow in your poems. Right now there is none really here -- lines are different lengths and it's a bit all over the place. The best way to correct this is to read it out loud to yourself and pinpoint the worst parts.
Use unique expressions and language -- be original with your thoughts. It is not neccesary to use long, complicated words, but it is necessary to say something different through a new expression, not recycled ideas that have been done before. Readers of poetry want something original from you.
If you can adhere to all of those, you'll slowly become a better poet.
As for this poem, I think you can see where it breaks some of these "conventions". The structure is nonexistent, it repeats needlessly, it has boring language, there is no progression of ideas, no flow, no rhythm. I would scrap this and start again -- you can use the same thought, but try and be more unique.
The repetition (especially of "yeah") made it seem more like a set of song lyrics. One thing I noticed was that the title is listed as "I wanna be a poet" but the words within the poem were "I want to be a poet". You should pick one and keep consistent as each can have its own meaning.
It doesn't much get into why the subject wants to be a poet and as a result, comes off as just skimming the surface of what you're trying to say.
"Sweaty" is used twice in two lines, which comes off as a little much. Comparisons, metaphors, imagery, are all helpful when trying to describe something, especially in poetry.