Published January 9, 2008
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141,418 Literary Works • 674,397 Reviews
I love the style of this, and the tone. Unfortunately, it isn't quite sophisticated enough somehow to pull off what you're going for. The verses feel too disconnected and incoherent and there isn't enough of a common thread to give the reader a sense of context or connection. I'm not quite sure how to set about correcting it; you could maybe play with the enjambment a little, and the punctuation, to create a greater sense of flow, and perhaps build on the tone a bit more somehow. Strange as it sounds, I feel it's not quite pert enough. Add some more snark, lol.
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful!
Cheers,
~bubbles