Prologue - Due North

Great story. Hers a small critique



It has(had) been made more powerful than any sword has(Had) a right to, through crushed prayers, betrayal, and tears of blood.


My hope soon fades(faded) as their movements become more and more clumsy.



I drop my borrowed staff, which immediately shrinks back to normal size, and (then i)continue walking to the gates of Goose Hollow.



Hope this is right. I am not good at critiquing.

frenchpastry wrote:I don't want this to sound rude, but you can't just accept a critique can you?

I don't want this to sound rude, but you can't just accept a critique can you?

kitty15 wrote:Hello again, my friend. I see that you have made several changes and it is improved but some of the comments I made on the other piece are still relevant so I shall make them again here. I suppose my main criticisms are 1. The huge page format that makes this difficult to read and 2. The switching back and forth between present and past tense. You say yourself that you're not sure why you did that and to be honest, I think it would read better if it was all in past tense. When reciting a story to someone, people don't tend to use past tense so why should your character be any different? Anyway, a few specific points -

It has been made more powerful than any sword has a right to be, through crushed prayers, betrayal, and tears of blood.

I am no longer an instrument of killing, nor am I a drone or someone's pawn.

"It is illegal to carry a concealed sword into taverns." I say staring at her face, half hidden by the shadow of her hood. [P (I'm going to point out where you change to present tense just in case you decide to change it and will indicate this with a 'P' from now on)][/color]

"But we just met!" I taunt, as I catch another sudden gush of emotion registering on that beautiful, half hidden face. [P]

I remember thinking as I turned around and began my long, LONG, walk due north to Goose Hollow in which she has a two hour head start. [P]
The only explanation I could come up with at the moment is damn the cold. [P]

I awake an hour or so after the sun and packed up all my things as quickly as possible. [This should certainly be 'awoke' because changing tense mid sentence is a definate no.]

As expected of Goose Hollow, [I'd suggest a semi colon here rather than a comma.] the brigands are constantly at work.

My hope soon fades as their movements become more and more clumsy. [P]

There are ten, exactly. [P]

I say as I assume a basic hand to hand stance.
I twirl the staff at a blinding speed, forcing them back. I single out the closest enemy and turn the twirl into a deadly lunge, I catch him in his shoulder near the collar bone, propelling him backwards. I start the blinding twirl again, knocking out three others. The remaining members create a circle around me just out of the staffs range, looking for any opening to attack. I laugh silently as I mutter the charm for growth, knocking out all the remaining clan with a single twirl that caught them all in the head. I drop my borrowed staff, which immediately shrinks back to normal size, and continue walking to the gates of Goose Hollow. [P]

_______________________

Other than that, it is well written with some great characterization and beautiful description. I look forward to reading more.

Hello again, my friend. I see that you have made several changes and it is improved but some of the comments I made on the other piece are still relevant so I shall make them again here. I suppose my main criticisms are 1. The huge page format that makes this difficult to read and 2. The switching back and forth between present and past tense. You say yourself that you're not sure why you did that and to be honest, I think it would read better if it was all in past tense. When reciting a story to someone, people don't tend to use past tense so why should your character be any different? Anyway, a few specific points -

It has been made more powerful than any sword has a right to be, through crushed prayers, betrayal, and tears of blood.

I am no longer an instrument of killing, nor am I a drone or someone's pawn.

"It is illegal to carry a concealed sword into taverns." I say staring at her face, half hidden by the shadow of her hood. [P (I'm going to point out where you change to present tense just in case you decide to change it and will indicate this with a 'P' from now on)][/color]

"But we just met!" I taunt, as I catch another sudden gush of emotion registering on that beautiful, half hidden face. [P]

I remember thinking as I turned around and began my long, LONG, walk due north to Goose Hollow in which she has a two hour head start. [P]
The only explanation I could come up with at the moment is damn the cold. [P]

I awake an hour or so after the sun and packed up all my things as quickly as possible. [This should certainly be 'awoke' because changing tense mid sentence is a definate no.]

As expected of Goose Hollow, [I'd suggest a semi colon here rather than a comma.] the brigands are constantly at work.

My hope soon fades as their movements become more and more clumsy. [P]

There are ten, exactly. [P]

I say as I assume a basic hand to hand stance.
I twirl the staff at a blinding speed, forcing them back. I single out the closest enemy and turn the twirl into a deadly lunge, I catch him in his shoulder near the collar bone, propelling him backwards. I start the blinding twirl again, knocking out three others. The remaining members create a circle around me just out of the staffs range, looking for any opening to attack. I laugh silently as I mutter the charm for growth, knocking out all the remaining clan with a single twirl that caught them all in the head. I drop my borrowed staff, which immediately shrinks back to normal size, and continue walking to the gates of Goose Hollow. [P]

_______________________

Other than that, it is well written with some great characterization and beautiful description. I look forward to reading more.

*BumP*

This is the story that people should be reading. Not my rough drafts

Volmen wrote:Hey Reyu, im totally amazed at the fact that my account is still active! though i tried to get on to my old old account but it was gone! i was hoping to find my old story, remember when this wasn't a dot com lol....

sorry lol im glad to see you finally was able to write something and i like it. The way i got the idea for my stories was i just kept writing and it eventually turned into what your helping me edit. basically what im trying to say is the best way to get out of writers block is just to keep writing

omg omg my quote its down there!!!! woot and i don't even remember putting it there in 2005 oh well lol

oh also

By all laws of the human mind they should have had me completely brainwashed. I guess even the mind can set up walls against walls

Hey Reyu, im totally amazed at the fact that my account is still active! though i tried to get on to my old old account but it was gone! i was hoping to find my old story, remember when this wasn't a dot com lol....

sorry lol im glad to see you finally was able to write something and i like it. The way i got the idea for my stories was i just kept writing and it eventually turned into what your helping me edit. basically what im trying to say is the best way to get out of writers block is just to keep writing

omg omg my quote its down there!!!! woot and i don't even remember putting it there in 2005 oh well lol

Thank you again! And as for your spacing concerns... I am not too worried about that. Any book I pick up they don't start new sentences for dialogue. It should be obvious who is talking, if not, please point out exactly where so I can proof it, then fix it.

AWritersFantasy wrote:First, your formatting is making the post kind of huge, but that's not a huge issue. o.O

By all laws of the human mind they should have had me completely brainwashed. I guess even the mind can set up walls against walls.

I REALLY like those two sentences, especially the second one.

Hmm. Your description is awesome. Other than a few grammar things, I'm not finding much at the moment.

The formatting in this paragraph in particular needs work:

"But we just met!" I taunt, as I catch another sudden gush of emotion registering on that beautiful, half hidden face. "I just want to know if you're here to kill anyone I know." She stood up at that comment, and I could see her face clearly, with those amazing blue eyes of frozen fire. "You play a dangerous game, dog!" She spat. "Or maybe you're just stupid." She turned right around and left the tavern after that, and it was in that moment I knew I was horrible at talking to women. This being my first attempt, I considered it a learning experience. I was still convinced that she was more than meets the eye, so I decided to follow her around. I was correct.

Should be more like:

"But we just met!" I taunt, as I catch another sudden gush of emotion registering on that beautiful, half hidden face. "I just want to know if you're here to kill anyone I know."

She stood up at that comment, and I could see her face clearly, with those amazing blue eyes of frozen fire. "You play a dangerous game, dog!" She spat. "Or maybe you're just stupid."

She turned right around and left the tavern after that, and it was in that moment I knew I was horrible at talking to women. This being my first attempt, I considered it a learning experience. I was still convinced that she was more than meets the eye, so I decided to follow her around. I was correct.

It's easier on the eyes if you break the paragraphs up like that, but it also helps in giving indication as to what characters are speaking. Usually if one character says something, the next character will say something else in the next paragraph.

I'm not 100% sure that I like the first few...chapters, I guess, being in present tense. I realize that it's sort of meant to be a memory (I think), but I think it might be better if you just like...I don't know. You could have a scene taking place in present day, and then have the narrator have random flash backs, and you'd put those in italics to let the reader know that they're flash backs. Does that make sense?

For some reason- I suspect because of whatever program you used to write this in- there are a some strange symbols through out at least two of the paragraphs (in italics), so you might want to go back and try and fix those.

I'll have to try and finish this later, but I hoped this helped you some.

First, your formatting is making the post kind of huge, but that's not a huge issue. o.O

By all laws of the human mind they should have had me completely brainwashed. I guess even the mind can set up walls against walls.

"But we just met!" I taunt, as I catch another sudden gush of emotion registering on that beautiful, half hidden face. "I just want to know if you're here to kill anyone I know." She stood up at that comment, and I could see her face clearly, with those amazing blue eyes of frozen fire. "You play a dangerous game, dog!" She spat. "Or maybe you're just stupid." She turned right around and left the tavern after that, and it was in that moment I knew I was horrible at talking to women. This being my first attempt, I considered it a learning experience. I was still convinced that she was more than meets the eye, so I decided to follow her around. I was correct.

"But we just met!" I taunt, as I catch another sudden gush of emotion registering on that beautiful, half hidden face. "I just want to know if you're here to kill anyone I know."

She stood up at that comment, and I could see her face clearly, with those amazing blue eyes of frozen fire. "You play a dangerous game, dog!" She spat. "Or maybe you're just stupid."

She turned right around and left the tavern after that, and it was in that moment I knew I was horrible at talking to women. This being my first attempt, I considered it a learning experience. I was still convinced that she was more than meets the eye, so I decided to follow her around. I was correct.