Published November 7, 2005
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141,251 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Yes, originally I was just telling the story. Now it is a full on prologue and chapter one is up! You are reading the wrong thing. This is a rough draft.
Check out "Prologue: Due North"
I'll make this short and sweet. I have to agree with a few others, you're telling the story, not showing it. I know you say it is just the beginning, and the action will start in future installments, but you need to catch the reader from the very start. Put them straight into the conflict, so they'll stick around to actually read these future installments.
ah kitty! don't waste your time on these. This is rough draft stuff! The full story as I want it is posted on my blog. Thank you though!
Hi there. Just a few little suggestions my friend...
It has been made more powerful than any sword has a right to be, through crushed prayers, betrayal, and tears of blood.
Her complection [I know what you're trying to say here but complexion works just as well and, in my opinion, seems to fit better.] is fair, average height with shoulder length black hair, all wrapped up in a vagabond's cloak.
The way she moved, flowing from footstep to footstep, the walk of a swordsman, [I'd have a fullstop here, especially seenas you start the next word with a capital.]
My intuition had her positively emanating a dangerous aura, so I pegged her as an assassin right then, someone sent to bring me back.
“It is illegal to carry a concealed sword into taverns,” I say [It should be 'said' rather than 'say.'] staring at her face, half hidden by the shadow of her hood. I was sure I saw a flicker of shock.
______________________
Altogether, it's quite well written and rather reflective and poetic but I like that. It's a nice style. I shall go read the next part...
His next sequel will be "Due South-North...WTF???? DID I JUST GET LOST???"
Yes, Due South is related.
Okay, and my point all along was...
If he already found it, why is he still looking?
Or: unless you mean something else, those two sentences are a discrepancy, for the reasons that I said above. He could mean that he is looking for something else other than what he already found...But I don't think so.
If I still haven't made any sense, forget about it. I hope I have, though.
~Jacquie~
Is Due South related directly to this?
Ok, I understand now.
He had already found "it" before telling his story to the reader.
I like to think of this story as my character sitting infront of a camp fire, telling his tale to himself.
If that helps any
Okay, let me try to explain. Your first few stanzas are in present tense. The character is talking to the reader, as if he's about to tell about something that happened long ago:
Here's one of the sentences in question. "I do not know the thing I seek, only that I must find it." *ahem* Here, he's talking in present tense. He says he is seeking something. (Something that, three paragraphs down, in his story (which was in the past compared to this section), he says he already found. So my question was, is he still looking for the girl? Or is he looking for something else?)
Then he goes on to say that his intent when he escaped was to find whatever he was looking for mentioned in the stanza before.
Now, it's in past tense, the tale he's telling.
He found it.
In the timeline of the story, he found the girl before he started telling us about it. Right?
So. When I said he's already found it, I'm not looking at the order of sentences in the story. I'm looking between the two sentences..."I do not know what I seek, only that I must find it", but before he says that, he already found "...it. In the form of..."
Does that make any more sense? I really know what I'm talking about, even if it may not sound like it.
Still waiting for more.
~Jacquie~
No, your not making any sense LoL
The sentence in question is as follows "what needed to be found... when I suddenly found it"
Looks fine to me.
It doesn't really feel like poetry, as there's not really a rhythm...Know what? I'll just trust you.
And my question remains: is he still looking for it? The beginning is present, and he already found it in the three paragraphs down that are in past tense. (if that makes sense lol)lol, yes, I could tell.
I'm looking forward to more,
~Jacquie~
Epic Poetry Concern:
LoL
I have been thinking of taking it out for a while now.
Yes and no. This story is slightly poetic because I chose it to be so. This is not, however, going to be an epic poetry.
"Tears of Blood":
When no actual tears are shed, but blood is on the face. This effect can look as if someone is crying tears of blood.
"I thought he had already found it?":
He finds it about three paragraphs down
Those deep blue eyes...:
Just the characters personal feeling's about her eyes. Poetic, no?
Ok, about your "speech" concerns.
You are right on with most of them, but some of them can be overlooked. The only main sentence that really sounds like me and NOT my character is the "cliche" sentence. I honestly did not think anyone would notice that. That sentence is me trying to be funny, and any way I tried to write it out, I could not get it to sound like my character. So I just left it in
Also, all the errors you found I have corrected and all your suggestions I have taken into consideration.
None of them, however, will pull me back into an "editing" stage. I am currently DONE AS OF NOW editing this story, and I am starting work on the second one.
~Reyu
P.S. I remember a concern you had about foreshadowing and symbolism. To clear your mind, I already have this entire story in brainstorm format. I know what is going to happen, I just don’t have all that little crap in-between ^^
First of all, I'm really picking with most of this because I had to copy and paste it on here because I can't see it at the bottom of the screen.
--just to give you an insight, sometimes I'll give you my reaction as a reader so that you can see where you might be unclear, whatever...(I'm experimenting--I'm still new. )
Are you writing this in a poetry format on purpose? It may read easier if you don't put each sentence on a separate line. Your choice and preference.
you could connect these sentences, and if you're writing this as an epic poem, and it would look less choppy, but read the way you want it to.
I swore an oath to someone precious that I would never draw my sword again, that its blade would never taste the blood that gives it strength.
or, if you want the same format,
I swore an oath to someone precious that I would never draw my sword again,
that its blade would never taste the blood that gives it strength.
(just for my benefit, could you explain?)
I thought he already found it. Is he looking for something else?
I'm thinking..."By all laws of the human mind I should have been completely brainwashed". I think you could make this sentence clearer, or at least...work on it a little more.
walls against walls I like
I like the snow...although I'm not sure where you're going with it yet except..."Due North". Perhaps it's foreshadowing? *raises eyebrows* If you want the snowfall to be symbollic, you may not want to tell us outright before we get to make the decision on our own. But that's your decision...and I would make it after you've written it all and can look at the whole picture.
I like the similie here--it sounds poetic. Although I'm not sure I agree with it. However, I agree that making the above fragments is awkward. Toy with it...Find out different ways you could write it. "...and I found it. I found it in the form of a beautiful girl, slender and graceful, like a weeping willow or a blossoming sakura tree." "When I found it, it was in the form of a beautiful girl..." Don't be afraid of changing stuff. You can always revert back to the original.
Why? (just curious)
I don't know why you separated that. But if you joined it, I know you would have to make the subject clear...What about, maybe..."By the way she moved, flowing from footstep to footstep, my eyes recognized the walk of a swordsman..." "My eyes could see it first, the way she moved: flowing from footstep to footstep. The walk of a swordsman." ...You know what? Nevermind. I'm just messing it all up, I think. Just...it could flow a bit more; it seems a little disjointed.
I'm not sure I understand this completely. Why is it a problem. If there are only a few, then does he know them? He doesn't recognize her...
Followed. And not "into", just "to". I know she went into a tavern, but it's still "to" a destination...if that makes any sense.
I remember nonchalantly walking to her table and kindly asking if I could take the seat opposite her. She refused, but I sat down anyway.
Period.
She says "Or maybe you're just stupid"? Generally, if that same character is speaking, it's on the same line.
"You play a dangerous game, dog!" she spat. "Or maybe you're just stupid." (Again, "stupid" seems a little out of place in the setting to me...but it's not overly noticeable I guess.)
to be?
You're confusing my setting again! I feel like I'm hearing your voice instead of the character's.
four-edged
The parchment read:
Cool.
Tell me...but were all the things I was saying about speech being inappropriate for the setting...not? Was I completely misinterpretting it?
Sorry I got long-winded.
~Jacquie~
I guess I could point out the difference between this and Kenshin, but im not going too.
I concider it an honor that my work reminds you of such a great anime.
The only thing that needs saying though, is that this is NOT based off of Kenshin. I do not write Fan-Fiction.
~Reyu
Your story is good, but the beginning sound like something from "Rurouni Kenshin" to me.
That part was really good. But it makes me curious as to what this guys deal is. And the snowfall part was really cool.
Next installment coming in three days
Keyword: 'You'
Meaning I, me, I could not find any, because to be honest I didn't really look... That's why i'll never critisize stories, I don't pick them apart.
RIPOSTE:
Not in this situation
HA! My personal opinions are always fact!
See?
RETORT.
I believe that is a matter of personal opinion.
Okay... well, then take this!
Learn how to write paragraphs. It sounds too choppy.
I think it works, so I am leaving that one as is.
Otherwise, fixed.
This is why people have editors
Believe it or not, I was expecting more than that ^^
SK, you couldn't find grammatical errors?
I was swimming in them!
Nope, "its blade."
"...through crushed prayers, betrayal, and tears of blood."
"...or someone's pawn."
The only thing I know for sure is that I need to find... something.
It's "snowfall."
I don't think the fragment does it. I would rather have:
"When I suddenly found it in the form of a beautiful girl. Slender and graceful, like a weeping willow or a blossoming sakura tree."
"...in a vagabond's cloak."
"Only one problem... There are only a certain few capable of bringing me back alive and she was not recognizable."
I remember nonchalantly walking to her table and kindly asking if I could take the seat opposite her. She refused, but I sat down anyway."
“It is illegal to carry a concealed sword into taverns,” I say staring at her face, half hidden by the shadow of her hood. I was sure I saw a flicker of shock.
“Where I take my sword is none of your business,” she replied seething, in a musical voice of honey and cream. “Now go”
“But we just met!” I taunt, as I catch another sudden gush of emotion registering on that beautiful, half hidden face. “I just want to know if you’re here to kill anyone I know.”
She stood up at that comment, and I could see her face clearly, with those amazing blue eyes of frozen fire.
“You play a dangerous game, dog!” she spat.
“Or maybe you're just stupid.”
And what is with your love of the word "stupid"? XD
Um... yeah!
"Four hours of trailing her, I watched her find her mark."
Or something. That sentence is just so awkward...
So yeah. Interesting idea, by the way. He's clearly falling for her, but she's (probably) out to kill him. So what can he do??? [Enter shocked gasps.] More on next week's TV show!
Yeah... write more.
Thank you for your comment.
I left the fight scene to the imagination on purpose.
It helps create a more 'stable' character portrait in your mind.
So don't worry action fans, I aim to please.
Further installments on the way.
Although this is quite good, it doesn't read like fiction. You started a new line after every statement, so you end up reading this more like poetry. Also, this confuses some of the speech, as it can be hard to work out who's saying what.
.
.
But I say your largest fault in this piece is that we're told everything. As in, 'she then killed him' (I know it doesn't actually that) instead of describing the fight scene.
But other than those faults, the basic idea is nice - although we're left in the shadow about many parts, you say there will be further instalment, so I assume you'll clear those up later
So yes, nice work
Well... if you're telling us to wait, WRITE THEM.
Lol, you hard core gamer you.
Yay! A comment.
Anyway, thats what people have been telling me. "it could be better"
And my answer is "just wait for further installments"
~Reyu
7/10.
It could be better.
Can't really find any grammatical errors, which is the only thing i'd be able to help you with so... someone else help this guy! lol.