Young Writers Society

frenchpastry wrote:I'll make this short and sweet. I have to agree with a few others, you're telling the story, not showing it. I know you say it is just the beginning, and the action will start in future installments, but you need to catch the reader from the very start. Put them straight into the conflict, so they'll stick around to actually read these future installments.

I'll make this short and sweet. I have to agree with a few others, you're telling the story, not showing it. I know you say it is just the beginning, and the action will start in future installments, but you need to catch the reader from the very start. Put them straight into the conflict, so they'll stick around to actually read these future installments.

kitty15 wrote:Hi there. Just a few little suggestions my friend...

It has been made more powerful than any sword has a right to be, through crushed prayers, betrayal, and tears of blood.

Her complection [I know what you're trying to say here but complexion works just as well and, in my opinion, seems to fit better.] is fair, average height with shoulder length black hair, all wrapped up in a vagabond's cloak.

The way she moved, flowing from footstep to footstep, the walk of a swordsman, [I'd have a fullstop here, especially seenas you start the next word with a capital.]
My intuition had her positively emanating a dangerous aura, so I pegged her as an assassin right then, someone sent to bring me back.

“It is illegal to carry a concealed sword into taverns,” I say [It should be 'said' rather than 'say.'] staring at her face, half hidden by the shadow of her hood. I was sure I saw a flicker of shock.

______________________

Altogether, it's quite well written and rather reflective and poetic but I like that. It's a nice style. I shall go read the next part...

Hi there. Just a few little suggestions my friend...

It has been made more powerful than any sword has a right to be, through crushed prayers, betrayal, and tears of blood.

Her complection [I know what you're trying to say here but complexion works just as well and, in my opinion, seems to fit better.] is fair, average height with shoulder length black hair, all wrapped up in a vagabond's cloak.

The way she moved, flowing from footstep to footstep, the walk of a swordsman, [I'd have a fullstop here, especially seenas you start the next word with a capital.]
My intuition had her positively emanating a dangerous aura, so I pegged her as an assassin right then, someone sent to bring me back.

“It is illegal to carry a concealed sword into taverns,” I say [It should be 'said' rather than 'say.'] staring at her face, half hidden by the shadow of her hood. I was sure I saw a flicker of shock.

______________________

Altogether, it's quite well written and rather reflective and poetic but I like that. It's a nice style. I shall go read the next part...

His next sequel will be "Due South-North...WTF???? DID I JUST GET LOST???"

Yes, Due South is related.

Okay, and my point all along was...

If he already found it, why is he still looking?

Or: unless you mean something else, those two sentences are a discrepancy, for the reasons that I said above. He could mean that he is looking for something else other than what he already found...But I don't think so.

If I still haven't made any sense, forget about it. I hope I have, though.

~Jacquie~

Is Due South related directly to this?

Ok, I understand now.
He had already found "it" before telling his story to the reader.

I like to think of this story as my character sitting infront of a camp fire, telling his tale to himself.
If that helps any

Okay, let me try to explain. Your first few stanzas are in present tense. The character is talking to the reader, as if he's about to tell about something that happened long ago:

I swore an oath.

I swore an oath to someone precious that I would never draw my sword again.
That its blade would never taste the blood that gives it strength.
It has been made more powerful than any sword has a right to, through crushed prayers, betrayal, and tears of blood.

I am no longer an instrument of killing, nor am I a drone or someone's pawn.
I serve no man or woman save those I choose to serve.
At least that is what I tell myself.
The only thing I know for sure is that I need to find... something.
I do not know the thing I seek, only that I must find it.

That was my original intent when I escaped the secret training ground.

I lived decently for a long time using that philosophy, trying to find whatever it was that needed to be found... When I suddenly found it.
In the form of a beautiful girl, slender and graceful, like a weeping willow or a blossoming sakura tree.

"I thought he had already found it?":

He finds it about three paragraphs down LoL

It doesn't really feel like poetry, as there's not really a rhythm...Know what? I'll just trust you.

"I thought he had already found it?":

He finds it about three paragraphs down LoL

The only main sentence that really sounds like me and NOT my character is the "cliche" sentence...That sentence is me trying to be funny,

Epic Poetry Concern:

Yes and no. This story is slightly poetic because I chose it to be so. This is not, however, going to be an epic poetry.

"Tears of Blood":

When no actual tears are shed, but blood is on the face. This effect can look as if someone is crying tears of blood.

"I thought he had already found it?":

He finds it about three paragraphs down LoL

Those deep blue eyes...:

Just the characters personal feeling's about her eyes. Poetic, no?

Ok, about your "speech" concerns.
You are right on with most of them, but some of them can be overlooked. The only main sentence that really sounds like me and NOT my character is the "cliche" sentence. I honestly did not think anyone would notice that. That sentence is me trying to be funny, and any way I tried to write it out, I could not get it to sound like my character. So I just left it in I have been thinking of taking it out for a while now.

Also, all the errors you found I have corrected and all your suggestions I have taken into consideration.
None of them, however, will pull me back into an "editing" stage. I am currently DONE AS OF NOW editing this story, and I am starting work on the second one.

~Reyu
P.S. I remember a concern you had about foreshadowing and symbolism. To clear your mind, I already have this entire story in brainstorm format. I know what is going to happen, I just don’t have all that little crap in-between ^^

First of all, I'm really picking with most of this because I had to copy and paste it on here because I can't see it at the bottom of the screen.

Are you writing this in a poetry format on purpose? It may read easier if you don't put each sentence on a separate line. Your choice and preference.

--just to give you an insight, sometimes I'll give you my reaction as a reader so that you can see where you might be unclear, whatever...(I'm experimenting--I'm still new. )

Quote:
I swore an oath to someone precious that I would never draw my sword again.
That its blade would never taste the blood that gives it strength.

Quote:
and tears of blood.

Quote:
The only thing I know for sure is that I need to find... something.
I do not know the thing I seek, only that I must find it.

Quote:
By all laws of the human mind they should have had me completely brainwashed.

Quote:
I guess even the mind can set up walls against walls.

Quote:
Yes, I can see it now, the snowfall was almost symbolic.

Quote:
, trying to find whatever it was that needed to be found... When I suddenly found it.
In the form of a beautiful girl, slender and graceful, like a weeping willow or a blossoming sakura tree.

Quote:
But one look at those deep blue eyes would make you question any sunset.

The first time I saw her, there was more to her than her outer appearance.

My eyes could see... The way she moved, flowing from footstep to footstep, the walk of a swordsman,

Only one problem... There are only a certain few capable of brining me back alive and she was not recognizable.

I fallowed her into her destination.

“Where I take my sword is none of your business,” she replied seething, in a musical voice of honey and cream. “Now go”

She stood up at that comment, and I could see her face clearly, with those amazing blue eyes of frozen fire.
“You play a dangerous game, dog!” she spat.
“Or maybe you're just stupid.”

it was in that moment I knew I was horrible at talking to women.

I figured her for being self taught.

Your typical every day martial arts genius with a grudge, you know, the cliche type.

four edged ninja star.

It started to snow...

I guess I could point out the difference between this and Kenshin, but im not going too.
I concider it an honor that my work reminds you of such a great anime.

The only thing that needs saying though, is that this is NOT based off of Kenshin. I do not write Fan-Fiction.

~Reyu

Your story is good, but the beginning sound like something from "Rurouni Kenshin" to me.

Reyu wrote:That was my original intent when I escaped the secret training ground.
By all laws of the human mind they should have had me completely brainwashed.
I guess even the mind can set up walls against walls.
That night must have been more than I could take... Yes, I can see it now, the snowfall was almost symbolic.

Next installment coming in three days

Snoink wrote:SK, you couldn't find grammatical errors? I was swimming in them!

Snoink wrote:HA! My personal opinions are always fact!

See?

HA! My personal opinions are always fact!

See?

Snoink wrote:Okay... well, then take this!

Learn how to write paragraphs. It sounds too choppy.

Okay... well, then take this!

Learn how to write paragraphs. It sounds too choppy.

I lived decently for a long time using that philosophy, trying to find whatever it was that needed to be found... When I suddenly found it.
In the form of a beautiful girl, slender and graceful, like a weeping willow or a blossoming sakura tree.

SK, you couldn't find grammatical errors? I was swimming in them!

That it’s blade would never taste the blood that gives it strength.

It has been made more powerful than any sword has a right to, through crushed prayers, betrayal and tears of blood.

I am no longer an instrument of killing, nor am I a drone or someones pawn.

The only thing I know for sure is that I need to find... Something.

That night must have been more than I could take... Yes, I can see it now, the snow fall was almost symbolic.

I lived decently for a long time using that philosophy, trying to find whatever it was that needed to be found... When I suddenly found it.
In the form of a beautiful girl, slender and graceful, like a weeping willow or a blossoming sakura tree.

Her complection is fair, average height with shoulder length black hair, all wrapped up in a vagabonds cloak.

Only one problem... There are only a certain few capable of brining me back alive and she was not recognizable.

I remember nonchalantly walk to her table and kindly asking if I could take the seat opposite her, she refused but I sat down anyway.

“It is illegal to carry a concealed sword into taverns” I say staring at her face, half hidden by the shadow of her hood. I was sure I saw a flicker of shock.
“Where I take my sword is none of your business” she replied seething, in a musical voice of honey and cream.
“Now go”
“But we just met!” I taunt, as I catch another sudden gush of emotion registering on that beautiful, half hidden face.
“I just want to know if you’re here to kill anyone I know.”
She stood up at that comment, and I could see her face clearly, with those amazing blue eyes of frozen fire.
“You play a dangerous game, dog!” She spat.
“Or maybe you're just stupid.”

Four hours of trailing her, and I watched her find her mark.

Sureal wrote:Although this is quite good, it doesn't read like fiction. You started a new line after every statement, so you end up reading this more like poetry. Also, this confuses some of the speech, as it can be hard to work out who's saying what.

But I say your largest fault in this piece is that we're told everything. As in, 'she then killed him' (I know it doesn't actually that) instead of describing the fight scene.

But other than those faults, the basic idea is nice - although we're left in the shadow about many parts, you say there will be further instalment, so I assume you'll clear those up later .

So yes, nice work .

Although this is quite good, it doesn't read like fiction. You started a new line after every statement, so you end up reading this more like poetry. Also, this confuses some of the speech, as it can be hard to work out who's saying what.

But I say your largest fault in this piece is that we're told everything. As in, 'she then killed him' (I know it doesn't actually that) instead of describing the fight scene.

But other than those faults, the basic idea is nice - although we're left in the shadow about many parts, you say there will be further instalment, so I assume you'll clear those up later .

So yes, nice work .

Well... if you're telling us to wait, WRITE THEM.

Lol, you hard core gamer you.

Shadow Knight wrote:7/10.

It could be better.

Can't really find any grammatical errors, which is the only thing i'd be able to help you with so... someone else help this guy! lol.

7/10.

It could be better.

Can't really find any grammatical errors, which is the only thing i'd be able to help you with so... someone else help this guy! lol.