Out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure lurking in the shadows blending, forming and, molding together with the darkness that surrounded it causing it to look slightly larger then what it was suppose to appear. My tongue flicked across my mouth as I refocused my violet eyes on the brown haired, blue eyed, slightly annoying boy that sat in front of me with a cup of hot cocoa in his hands, James. 'The only reason you're here is because your immature group of friends dared you to go on a coffee date with this idiot. That is all.' I told myself this over and over, but the more I gazed upon him the cuter he got, I mean if not for his habit of continuous talk he wasn't all that bad other than his really awful hair cut that is. I glanced a my watch, it was already and my parents would be home soon so I stood up, thanked James for a nice evening, and walked away hoping he would just sit there dumb folded like he always did in class, but instead he smiled shyly and nodded me off. Without meaning to my eyes peeked over towards the shadows again but it was gone and I couldn't help but heave a sigh of relief.
The house was already alive when I got home, music of every genre poured out of the open windows we refused to close, every light was on in every room because no one bothered to ever turned them off when they left one room to go to another, and every voice could be heard throughout the neighborhood so everyone knew when we left and when we arrived home. Of course we weren't the only ones to occupy the house as a place of gathering. Demons, spirits, fey, nymphs, etc. you get my point, they all thought it would be a great idea to gather at my house. Also I was the only one to see all of these supernatural things and if I even mumbled a word about them to my realist parents or sister I might as well pack my things and go because they wouldn't think twice about sending me to some asylum halfway around the world. So I just kept it to myself. Pulling a smile on my face I walked inside only to be greeted by Butch's paws on my shoulders and his tongue on my face as I fall flat on my butt and the sound of laughter comes from above my head, glancing up I see my least favorite trickster demon Yoshiko, sitting in his usual place in the broken vent shaft above the door, staring down at me. Shoving the enormous black German shepherd off of me I got up looked to see if anyone human was watching me, I flipped him off just to see him return with wider smile, a blown kiss and that was it then he escaped through the shaft. Like clockwork, it was a daily thing with them all, back and forth.
I just got in the kitchen only to see my whole family cooking dinner. The step-father, Kyle was dancing around the stove making steamed vegetables, my Mum, Marie was standing at the sink rinsing the meat that was to go out back on the grill, and the twins, Trinity and Tristan were making a mess in the fridge for the condiments, and right next to Mum was apparently my station, the "most important part" as Kyle puts it, I had to set the table. I tried to sneak passed the whole thing but Butch had other plans and decided to give me away by barking so everyone turned at once to see me standing there in a black long-sleeved v-neck, dark blue pants, and my hair thrown in a messy bun I did to just run out the door. Trinity dropped everything she was holding to hug me, Mum waved which allowed a few drops of water on the floor, Kyle smiled slightly and got back to his steaming, but Tristan ran over to me with his black hair in his eyes only to stumbled over Trinity's mess in the process. I couldn't help but laugh at his innocent wonder of my world, so as soon as I finished hugging Trinity I picked him up and hugged him tight against my chest as he giggled loudly until Kyle had had enough of "our child's play" so I put him down, grabbed his hand, and tugged him after me to my room. Tristan a pure hearted, simple minded, 5 year old black haired boy was the only living soul I ever dared to tell about the other half of the life we lived and he believed every word I said like it was the Bible. When I finished telling him about the days events he would always ask me serious questions like "Lucy, why are they all here?" or "Lucy, what do you think they choose to gather here?" so even though I never knew the real answer to his questions I did my best to answer them honestly enough, and that seemed to be good enough for him so he'd run off to his room, close the door so our parents couldn't hear, and he'd write little letters to every species believing they would answer. When he fell asleep I would take the letters, wait for Saturday to come around, I'd read the letters to them all, then I write their responses down on a random piece of paper, and I tuck them under his pillow to find later. He would be so happy the next day we all couldn't help but fell his happiness, but I was the only one who knew exactly why he practically beamed with light.
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Canary word: Present
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Hey Reya! Pink here for a review!
Do you like animes and mangas? I was just wondering because of your profile picture and character names. Any ways, onward to the story lol. The story line is great! I really liked. HOWEVER, what was really bothering me was that your chapter was one HUGE paragraph. It's pretty hard to read it like that, I think that is a pretty easy fix though (new paragraph after about 6-7 sentences). Also, you have a lot of grammar problems, you had commas were there should be periods (vice versa) and places were you need commas.
For example
It's stated in the paragraph as:
"Shoving the enormous black German shepherd off of me I got up looked to see if anyone human was watching me, I flipped him off just to see him return with wider smile, a blown kiss and that was it then he escaped through the shaft."
I would change the punctuation to be like this:
"Shoving the enormous black German shepherd off of me, I got up AND looked AROUND to see if anyone human was watching me. I flipped him off just to see him return with A wider smile AND a blown kiss, that was it, then he escaped through the shaft."
Using the words you wrote, I just added some words that you missed and switched out some commas for periods and added commas. Hehehehe.
I recommend that you try looking at Grammer & Research Center in the forums: viewforum.php?f=151
It can really help! I use for my stories too(:
I think that you could fix the grammar and format and the story would be perfect! You did really great! You just have a bit to work on(;
I hope this review wasn't too harsh.
Merry Christmas!!
-Pink
I thank you for your honest opinion my teacher also says my stories are great and that I make most of my mistakes by the commas or the wrong wording, but I'm glad you liked it
I liked this story. The only character can see spirit's and other superrnatural things is interesting and has a lot fun possibilites. There are just a few things you need to remember if your going to write another chapter. First, I what to assume there was a copy and paste issues but it is noted it's hard to read a huge paragraph. Then there were many run on sentences. I think a lot of places where you put comas you could replace them with a period. Then in the first sentence the punctuation when listing things off was incorrect.
I hope you write another chapter to see what ideas to you come up with. Happy holidays and keep writing!
-Redbox275
thanks I'll see if I can happy holidays to you too. <3<