As I lay beneath the vast sky
On the grassy mat
All I wonder is
What life do I have?
No home, no money
Is what I feared when I was young
But now here I lay
Even though I have a place where I can stay
Its silent outside
But so many voices inside
Screaming, shouting, wanting to be heard
They say some stupid stuff
To follow them is tough
I can afford anything I want
Atleast this is what I thought till this date
My wife left me, my children loathe me
But that seems like a long time ago
I worked throughout my life like a robot
Only to be thrown when this asset became a liability
Now I have nothing but money
My big bucks have given me the power to survive
But I don’t have the power to live
As I lay beneath the vast sky
On the grassy mat
All I wonder is
What life do I have?
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Accurate account of essentially existing in a commercialized, capitalistic culture. American (Assuming that you're American) economics can be explained fairly easily; The Rich (the ones who "throw the asset once it becomes a liability") make all of the money, pay none of the taxes. The Middle Class (the subject of this poem) spend their entire lives working, make some of the money, pay all of the taxes. The Poor ("what I feared when I was young") only exist to scare the shit out of the middle class, as your quote displays. The Poor simply ensure that the Middle Class shows up at work everyday. From this, the Middle Class are more distracted by the Poor than to notice how hard they're being fucked by the Rich.
If you're not a "grown up" yet, don't do it. It's a trap.
Money is the fuel for choices, but choices are the accelerate for complacency.
Nice job overall. All hail the Almighty Dollar!
Great job!
I really liked the message of this poem. So many people today are way to focused on money and this poem really showed the downside of that.
The only thing I didn't like is you had a few lines that rhymed while others didn't. I have a feeling this was maybe an accident. To me, the few rhyming lines messed with the flow of the rest of the poem. ("They say same stupid stuff....to follow them is tough." It's not a very big deal, I just think the rhyming changes the tone when you maybe didn't want it too.
Overall, this is an excellent poem and it's very well written, please write more!!
Good job!
First, I think it would be good if you put some periods at the end of your complete thoughts.
Second, in "Its silent outside", "Its" needs an apostrophe.
I think that in "But so many voices inside", you should add a "there are" after "But". To me, it would sound a little better and flow more smoothly like that.
For this line, "Atleast this is what I thought till this date", don't forget to put a space between "At" and "least".
You did a nice job of portraying this kind of situation. Your poem really rings true about pursuing money. Keep it up!
Thanks. I am weak at presenting my poem,punctuation marks and grammar. I'll take care of it.