In he comes; the potato from which I'm peeled; the lake from whose globular refuge I am ever trickling away to blindly, ravenously carve my own ravine through turf, steel, bog, mud. Oh shut up accursed introspective voice! Always humming on sensually like a bathetic harmonica at the lips of a child! Im neither potato skin nor hardy droplet, I'm a teenager of the homosapiens species and my dad's just walked in the kitchen. Metaphor and conceit can be alluring when evenings are spent dully slouched to the television with baked-beans sauce encrusting a slovenly beard on you.
But this time, he's gonna say something that gets to the core, send his anchor slick through my flesh and right into the soul . And I'll look up at him with buoyant, teeming eyes and we'll know:
"This is what progeny
Is meant to be.
This now, that I finally feel
Is how potato skins are meant to peel"
"How was school?"
"Yeah was orite. Brooksy got sent outta maths for stabbing dan with the compass.....that sharp bit"
"Ouch. Coursework?"
"Naa Ryley still ain't given it back so..........."
the television smothers us in a vapid buzzing waltz. And I'm gonna go to bed now.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello Rexonus,
This is Magenta here to review your short story that you have submitted to the YWS website, Father and Son and Father and Son. Despite this odd name, I think that you have great writing skills. Firstly, I would like to welcome you here to the Young Writer's Society because I saw that you had no avatar or reviews! I am glad, however, to see that you have submitted something already! That is always the first step to getting used to this place. Have you checked the forum?
Anyway, I am here to review your story.
"In he comes; the potato from which I'm peeled; the lake from whose globular refuge I am ever trickling away to blindly, ravenously carve my own ravine through turf, steel, bog, mud."
I think that this is an odd way to open your story. I don't exactly get what you are saying. The potato part seems unnecessary. It make the sentence seem confusing. At the end of the sentence, you have a listing. You should write and before the word "mud".
I don't really see how this is going to continue and I wouldn't consider this a short story. But you are new here and you will get used to this.
"And I'll look up at him with buoyant, teeming eyes and we'll know:"
I wouldn't use buoyant in this sentence. This isn't a very descriptive and it doesn't relax give me the idea that you may be looking for.
Buoyant means-able or apt to stay afloat or rise to the top of a liquid or gas.
• (of a liquid or gas) able to keep something afloat.
2 cheerful and optimistic: buoyant mood
Anyway, I think you can work on this and make it better. I know that you can do it!
Sorry if this was harsh on my part...
~ Magenta
Okay so this was difficult to put together. At first you start off all fancy language-ish and metaphor-y (yes I add random syllables at the end of words to make new adjectives. Deal with it.) Then you have some kind of poem stuff in quotation marks that made me wonder if a character is saying something so I had to go back and read parts of the text. Then, you suddenly have a casual conversation. about some guy named Dan getting stabbed with a compass in math class.
I woke up this morning with my eyes swollen, so I can see, just not as well as I usually can. So correct me if there was something in there I got wrong.
I thought this was actually a little funny. Based on the title, it was like you were trying to describe the problems between a father and son. I see that in the poem and a little bit in the first paragraph, I'm just not quite sure what the problems are, so it would be great if you could make that bit more clear. Other than that, you have some grammar errors.
You need a period at the end of a sentence. Always.
Needs a period.
Last sentence needs a period.
I get what you're trying to convey, and this may be a styling choice but an ellipses (the dot dot dot...) Typically has 3 periods. Again, I'm not sure if that can be a styling choice and I see what you were trying to show by this. Just letting you know.
I would say I like this, I'm pretty sure I do. I just don't quite understand it. What I did like, however, is where the metaphors and older language are that you started out with. I thought it gave this piece a more mature feel and it was written well.
-Gravity
Timmyjake to give you a review...
This piece puzzled me... It seemed like a short story, telling about difficulties in a father and son's relationship, but it also seemed about metaphors...
It was well written. It captivated me right from the start! Your metaphors that you use are very unique! I have a few spots to critique!
That is one sentence, which is far too long, having so many different ideas crammed into one sentence... It needs to be broken up. I'll just give you an example, just to show you what I mean...
In he comes, the potato from which I am peeled. He is the lake from whose globular refuge I am trickling away to blindly, ravenously carving my own ravine through turf, stell, bog and mud. Just a suggestion.
When I read this, it totally confused me... And you have two totally separate ideas in one sentence. You need to separate those ideas, even into separate paragraphs.
So the last part is what really confused me... At first it seemed like you were throwing in some poetry, but then you started to have your characters talk... Just something to keep in mind for the future: When your characters speak, make sure we know what the character is feeling, what the character is doing. For instance, I will just pick out a line from that part.
"How was school?" (and then I added in the following:)Dad asked, reluctantly turning his head away from the tv.
I think that sums up my nitpicks! This was a good piece to start out on, even if it needs some touching up. I hope to see some more of your work in the future! Happy Writing!
~Timmyjake