I'm staying still
Trying to make it over that hill
I get so close
But it's never enough
The road ahead I cannot see
I keep falling back
To the bottom of that hill
The more I try
The farther back I slide
The road ahead has lost its light
I tell myself
I'll make it past that hill
But I find myself back where i began
Sometimes I wonder
Will I ever make it over that hill
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142,014 Literary Works • 676,324 Reviews
Hey Revolt20! It's MrytleJinn here for a review. I really like the metaphor here of struggling with something constantly and not being about to make it through.
The feeling of almost making it but not quite is all too real. You can almost feel the emotions going through the narrator as they fight to reach the top. My only critique is it says "I'm staying still" but this is directly contradicted in the next line.
I read this and I immediately thought of the Greek myth of Sisyphus. How's he's eternally cursed to push a boulder up the hill but as soon as it always rolls back down right before he reaches the top.
The hopelessness that comes with this. And the metaphor of the road being brought back. It's lost it's light. I almost wonder if the road would begin to glow brighter. If the narrator keeps trying to get this than it should mean more to them. Not less. That's my take on it. You can completely ignore that if you want to.
The self talk. Telling yourself that you'll make it. But the narrator might not actually conquer this hill.
We don't find out if they make it. We don't know. The reader is left hanging and wondering. And that's the best way to end it. My only thing is, and this might be your stylistic choice, but adding a question mark at the end. I'd add more detail throughout. Simply stating the color of the hill. Things like that.
Overall, I really liked this. I think everyone's already given you the critiques you need. I've just got a few little things.
Keep living and writing!
MrytleJinn
Hey!
This poem feels like a really honest portrayal of struggling with something over and over again and feeling like you’re never quite able to move past it. I especially liked the hill as a metaphor because it represents an obstacle without making the meaning too obvious. The repetition of falling back to the bottom creates a strong sense of being stuck in a cycle, and the ending question leaves the reader with the same uncertainty the speaker is feeling.
One thing I think could be improved is the repetition. While repeating ideas like “that hill” and “falling back” helps emphasize the struggle, some lines express almost the exact same thought, so the middle could feel slightly repetitive. Cutting or changing a few of those lines could make the stronger ones stand out more. I also think the poem could benefit from a few more specific images or sensory details. For example, instead of only saying the road has “lost its light,” describing what the darkness actually looks or feels like could make the emotion more vivid.
The poem also has a fairly consistent, simple structure, which fits its reflective mood, but experimenting with line lengths or breaking the pattern at important moments could make the emotional shifts hit harder. Overall, I think the poem’s biggest strength is its honesty and relatable metaphor. With slightly more varied imagery and tighter wording, it could feel even more powerful without losing its simplicity.
Loved the poem<3
Very interesting poem executed pretty well. I think the main good thing about this prom is that it has the potential to reach many people with its relatability. It can be a metaphors for anyone’s every day struggles, and why so many people will probably be enjoy this. I think it’s pretty well written and very competently done. Congrats!
This poem is very beautiful, and I think it really captures the feeling of want. As human beings, we always want what we can't have. It could be love, a material/object, or maybe just wanting to be acknowledged. This really captured that feeling especially,
[quote]I get so close
But it's never enough[quote]
and
[quote]The more I try
The farther back I slide[quote]
and
[quote]Sometimes I wonder
Will I ever make it over that hill[quote]
these all capture the feeling of "constantly chasing an unobtainable goal" beautifully.
I really appreciate the meaning of this poem because it relates to a lot of people and can be used in a lot of situations
I like the metaphor that you have going on in this poem, and this is a nice opening; however, since it rhymes, it feels a bit like a children's rhyme or song, and I thought the whole piece was going to be in rhyming couplets, but it wasn't. I think picking one or the other, or throwing in a few other rhyming couplets throughout, would give it more of the steady rhythm it opens with!
You could improve the above point if you had this as a rhyme as well; then it feels complete, starting and ending with the same rhyme, like:
Sometimes I wonder if I will
Ever make it over that hill
I also think it would be nice if there was some sense of what the hill you're climbing represents; we can guess that it is representing a hard time in your life, but there is not much emotion shining through other than a courageous determination to make it up. It might help people relate a little if you included that emotionality, or some sensory details about this hill that allude to it.
Keep writing! <3
I really appreciate constructive criticism. The first draft had a lot more rhymes going on, but it felt a little forced so I just decided to change it completely. And for me, "the hill" represents multiple different things past and present from my life, so I didn't really want to give it a set definition. I really do like the idea of adding more emotions than just pure determination. I'll try doing that in future poems.
This is a great metaphorical piece, I appreciate it's realistic value and it kind if reminds me of the song lyrics so far away but still so near the lights go on the music died - it's by Robyn someone...
and there's a cover by Calum Scott, anyway - my only piece of feed back would be grammar, so like I'm instead of Im and I instead of i. Great Job
Thanks for the feedback, I completely forgot about the grammar before I posted this