I’m wearing my best clothes; A pair of dark jeans and a white dress shirt. Hundreds of people have passed me, not questioning me sitting on the railing, looking over the water. The chaos behind me is silent. Masses of cars, people, even birds go about their busy lives, unaware of me. Finally, I tune in to the cacophony and turn to face it. A slow walking tourist passes by, and I call out to her.
“Excuse me, miss?” She turns to me, a questioning look in her eyes.
“Can I ask you to call the police? I left my phone at the hotel.” Like any concerned person would do, she starts questioning. Before she can jump to a wrong conclusion, I continue on.
“I need you to call them and say someone’s jumped.” Her soft grey eyes widen, and she nods.
“Hello? Yes, someone has jumped off the bridge.” Her voice, even despite her worry, was soft and not particularly troubled.
“Who jumped?” She asked me, bringing her eyes to mine.
“A man.” I say. “A man; he’s about 5’7” with brown hair and eyes. He’s visiting from Britain. His name is Silas.” The woman repeated it to the dispatcher. She looked back to me after she repeated it.
“Wait-“ I cut her off.
“See ya, Miss.” I do an awkward wave and let myself down onto the ledge. Before she can even get to the railing, I jump.
Finally, my moment has arrived: death.
*
Louth, Lincolnshire-1994
“Hey.” Her voice was smooth and calm.
“Hey.” I replied, looking into her honey eyes.
“So, how was fancy private school today? Any golden carriages come to take you home?” I smirked, earning me a glare and a soft push.
“It was…okay.” She looked the towards the tall trees of the forest, away from me.
“You wanna talk about it?” I ask, trying to catch her eye. She shakes her head and looks back straight ahead. A few birds caw, preventing a silence.
“How about you?” She asks. “How was your day?” I look towards the ground, then back to her.
“Fine.” We go quite again, both of us listening to the leaves move in the breeze.
“How about we go to the treehouse? It’s better than roaming randomly.” I finally said. She nodded, and we both began to walking towards the wooden structure.
After only a few minuets of walking, we had arrived at the treehouse. We climbed a short wooden ladder and entered. I picked an apple up from the makeshift table by the door and tossed it to her.
“Hey, Clara? Why don’t you ever talk about your school?” I knew it was a sensitive subject, but I was curious.
“People there are…different. At the public school, they were accepting and nice. Ad you were there…” Her voice trailed. Without giving her warning, I grabbed her arms and lifted the sleeves of her sweater.
“Damnit Clara…I thought you had stopped.” It was no secret she was bullied at her school, but it was unacceptable for her to harm herself.
“I swear if I ever meet those…” I trailed off, calming myself down. Clara looked towards the ground as she always did when ashamed.
Alas, if I could return to this moment. Yet I still fall, the wind transporting me back to another time.
*
2012
I pace in front of a dimly-lit hospital room. My mind was going crazy, running through thousands of scenarios detailing how this could have happened. I looked over to Clara who was too astonished by this unforeseen moment to react.
“You couldn’t have told me this earlier?” My voice is weak from the crying. Clara looked towards the ground, still not talking. Finally, a police officer walked up to us.
“Mr. And Mrs. Anderson? We need to speak with you.” His voice was gruff, but still sympathetic. We nodded, and I gave a long glance back towards the room.
“Okay, let’s go.”
---
A/N- I do not condone suicide. I am using 'Golden Gate' as a way to release and drive myself away from suicide, and I hope this will do the same for you. Please seek help if you are struggling with suicidal thought. Feel free to messaage me if you want to talk about it.
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140,929 Literary Works • 673,752 Reviews
Hey Revialle, I loved your chapter! Here's a 'lil review...
Whenever you're writing dialogue, at least have some dialogue tags, you know like you indicate who is saying what. Example: "Hey," I greeted brightly, brushing back my strawberry-blonde hair."
The way you used dialogue did really confuse me, so... :3
Second thing: I really liked the idea of this story, it's very moving. However, I feel like you skip and jump around a bit too much, you know what I'm saying? If this chapter is just going to be about people committing suicide, does that mean the other chapters are going to be like that too? Remember to add a bit more depth.
Lastly, I love it when people use their writing to relieve stress, or other personal problems, I do it all the time! I can really relate to this! This isn't really criticism, more like a praise
There's my review! My advice probably sucks, because I am only thirteen and I am a mediocre writer, but here it is! Sorry if I came off as rude an any way. Keep up the great work!
Hi, Revialle! Pan here to boil up a quick review.
I love the idea of this piece. The opening drew me in completely, and I like the set up you have of flashing back on particular scenes in the narrator's life to build up a picture of what has happened to him. To improve the piece, I'll suggest three main points:
1) Cut the exposition from the opening. Most of the time, active scenes are a much more engaging way to start a novel. You piqued my interest when the narrator moved into conversation with the girl on the bridge, so I think about then would be the right place to open. You could start the novel with 'I'm wearing my best clothes; a pear [this is a typo, by the way - it should be 'pair'] of dark jeans and white dress shirt.' This will heighten the reader's intrigue because it prompts them to wonder why he is dressed as he is - at present, the first paragraph gives the game away before it's even begun.
2) The first flashback feels like a means to reassure the reader that the narrator and Clara were incredibly in love rather than a scene of its own merit. What's more, you tend to fall back on quite obvious dialogue to make their love apparent - saying they should get married, that they're perfect together, etc. But when I'm reading about a couple, I want to have a sense of what they talk about in the mundane, in between moments. I want to know how they interact when they aren't declaring love. I want to know what kind of friendship they have, and I don't quite get that from this scene. Genuine love is better shown in fiction by writing an interaction that isn't a discussion about how much they adore each other - even if they're just chatting about school or home or something frivolous, you should get a sense that they're very close just from how they interact. It's up to you, but I think you should extend that flashback by picking a topic for them to discuss and exploring their natural dynamic as much as you need.
3) Don't show your cards too early. It's chapter one, but by the last flashback you've already revealed that:
- The narrator and Clara had a child, Holly.
- That Holly died young.
- That Holly was murdered.
- That Holly was not actually the narrator's daughter.
- That Clara never told him this until Holly died.
It's a lot of bombshells, right? You're answering questions too quickly, which lessens the likelihood of keeping your reader interested. The audience keeps reading primarily because they want to know more, so by telling them everything too early the story loses intrigue. A better way to execute the scene would be to reveal only one or two of these things - for instance, you could have the narrator and Clara in a hospital, numb and distraught. The narrator could say something about 'not being able to believe she'd keep it from him'. And then the scene is left. That way, the reader can infer that some sort of tragedy hit them, and that some kind of secret has been discovered, but they don't know the specifics of either. It's all about peeling the truth back slowly enough that your reader keeps wanting to listen.
Hope this helped! Like I said, I enjoyed this piece overall. I'm just being picky to try and help you get the best out of it. PM me if you've any questions.
Keep writing!:D
~Pan
Wow, this was moving, to say the least!
As far as short extracts go, this is one of my favourites
You do a good job of setting the scene and the mood in the few opening paragraphs, which is essential. Also, good call, writing in the first person. It makes the whole thing feel personal and real.
It's sort of tricky to put a pin on the main character's personality. He starts the narration pretty seriously, but then is sort of... chill? I think what really throws me off is this part, just as he's about to jump:
I probably wouldn't use "cya" here. The phrase feels like text language and not the way you'd say it in real life (especially not when they'd be your last words). Maybe just use the standard "See ya" or something even less care-free.
Other than that, this was a pretty short review. I don't really see anything wrong with the parts of his life flashing before his eyes. It was done well.
Keep up the writing