No Words

I like the idea here.

However, besides the first two lines and the last two lines--which happen to be the same--there is no poetry. These are paragraphs. My advice would be to find a friend or teacher or relative etc who has never read this before, close your eyes, and have them read it to you. It's hard to tell if it's poetic when you are the one that wrote it--so hearing it from another perspective will really help you.

The imagery is great here; but this is really still one or two very descriptive paragraphs. There are just too many complete sentences, too many 'they's, 'the's, 'a's, etc.

But the idea? It's wonderful

Happy Editing!
Meg

When I read poetry - What makes it good is the ablilty of the writer to make me think. Deep thought is to be expected when reading poetry, and this one definitly recieved just that. I loved your wording and metaphors.

makes the leaves curl up inside themselves -

lol, brad made me laugh just then
"I suggest you run with the Watermelons the whole way through before setting them down"
Sorry I'm over that now
I actually liked this piece, and the watermelon part was definitely my favourite.
It was a good bit of imagery, I've decided that my next poem is going to start off with describing a certain food,

Hi green_river -


Let me be candid with you--after your first meager attempts at poetry and your response to the criticisms you received, I suspected you would either continue posting at that level or you would give poetry up entirely. I am pleased to see you have done neither of those things: welcome.

I don't know that the repetition of the KL line at the end of this strengthens it in any appreciable manner. S1 is the focal point of this, but you should avoid heavy repetition of words in close quarters (e.g. "Water"). You have a nonexistent segue into S2 which detracts from the overall effect. S3 is not worth the trouble to revise--cut it.

I suggest you run with the Watermelons the whole way through before setting them down.


Best of luck,
Brad

I love the water melon bit, its a powerful bit of imagery (dripping off your tongue.) I suppose its the colours that made it real for me.
Over all I liked this piece, the only problem I have with it is the last line. "atop" I'm not sure about it. I am also confused.

Well done
King lear is a cool thing to base it on!!!
Lexy x

Areida -

[You asked about what I meant at the end of the third stanza.]

I think I'm confusing you just at the end. The word 'origin' doesn't have any special meaning, except for the scientific one which is that the leaf grew on that branch. They're just clinging to the literal branches they grew on. I'll change that line a bit when I edit, so it'll be more clear.


Areida and xanthan gum -

The watermelon seeds weren't meant to be blasting with intensity and harshness; just dripping off your tongue. I never realised it sounded like that, so thanks for pointing it out.

Also, thank you all for your critiques!

A certain intensity and harshness
circle your consonants, as they
drip off your tongue like watermelon seeds
in summertime. They blast into resting water

No words, no words: hush.
Everything is still.

Neat poem.

My poetry critiques aren't worth beans, but here are my thoughts anyway:

A certain intensity and harshness
circle your consonants, as they
drip off your tongue like watermelon seeds
in summertime. They blast into resting water
so quickly;

in a subtle attempt to heal it's wound.

Perhaps it's a specific roughness on your vowels
that makes the leaves curl up inside themselves -
their spines in a deep contraction, tumbling
onto busy sidewalks below.

matting the cement with softness.

The blueness
once revealed is covered and hidden, as the clouds
pour their anxieties into resting pools of water, and atop
helpless leaves clinging to their branches of origin.

This is very good. I particularly liked the part

Perhaps it's a specific roughness on your vowels
that makes the leaves curl up inside themselves -
their spines in a deep contraction, tumbling