Young Writers Society

Raw and beautiful
I take in a breath of ripe air
and slowly release it
out through my mouth.

and slowly exhale
to return it to the mighty Earth.

Even further away
a solitary goose
swimming
opens her nostrils
and breathes in calm lake air,
her little eyes shimmering.

My love for you both
wakes me up
lets me start anew,
as at the same time
you drift asleep,
recollecting yourselves
to wake up
in a few hours
once I slip away from consciousness
and into temporary sleep.

I loved the first stanza, but I think you should take that and start a whole new poem with it. It doesn't really connect to the rest of the poem, and the rest of the poem is vague and doesn't really hold any one thing down. That first bit, though, makes a nice introduction to the poem, and could lead into some powerful imagery. Also, I disagree that the whole 'out through my mouth' part is unnecessary; on the contrary, i think that's one of the finest bits because it gives the narrator a face. And there is a difference between breathing through one's nose and one's mouth.

The last part is confusing but other than that it rocks!

green_river wrote:Breathe


Raw and beautiful
I take in a breath of ripe air
and slowly release it
out through my mouth.

Somewhere
a distance away
you do the same,
apart from the falsehoods
of the material world,
you let the ancient breath
become yours,
and slowly exhale
to return it to the mighty Earth.

Even further away
a solitary goose
swimming
opens her nostrils
and breathes in calm lake air,
her little eyes shimmering.

My love for you both
wakes me uplets me start anew,
as at the same time
you drift asleep,
recollecting yourselves
to wake up
in a few hours
once I slip away from consciousness
and into temporary sleep.

Well as much as I appreciate all of your comments, I think I agree with Incandescence and DargquanQl'Deleodna.

I think I'm going to take a break from poetry. Not because of any negative comments on this site - they don't bother me. It's just that I have so much trouble with poetry, personally. Also I recently tried writing fiction, and it seemed so much better for me: it felt more natural, I think. It's in the historical fiction forums now, and if you wish you can read it to see if it works better than this. I'm glad some of you liked it though, but honestly, right now I'm not really sure why.

And also when I originally posted this I did like it, but later I've realised it's not so great.

Ooh DQ's channelling Incandescence!

Anyway, I dont mean to be rude but I must say I agree about the goose. Why a goose? It doesnt make sense. Well, I'm going to take this crit slowly and see what I get from it, OK? Here goes

Raw and beautiful
I take in a breath of ripe air
and slowly release it
out through my mouth.

As it is, this stanza doesnt work. What exactly is raw and beautiful? If I were you, I'd swap the lines around to read "I take a breath of ripe air/raw and beautiful," - it just sounds better. Also, it seems kind of redundant to say that you breathed out through your mouth. Is it important that you breathe through your mouth rather than your nose? Why? How does this affect the poem?

Somewhere
a distance away
you do the same,
apart from the falsehoods
of the material world,
you let the ancient breath
become yours,
and slowly exhale
to return it to the mighty Earth.

I'd like to do a bit of tidying up here, if I may.

Somewhere,
a distance away,
you do the same.
Apart from the falsehoods
of the material world,
you let the ancient breath become yours,
and slowly exhale,
returning it to the mighty Earth.

To be honest, I quite like this stanza. There's something about the idea of "ancient breath" which appeals to my imagination. However, who is the "you" you're talking about? I'm not sure who this poem is addressed to. A lover? A friend? A spirit? God? I need some specifics, please. Also, I'm not sure about the line "apart from the falsehoods/of the material world" - it sounds like you're saying, "you do the same except for the falsehoods" which doesnt make sense! I would use another word instead of "apart" to better convey your meaning.

Even further away
a solitary goose
swimming
opens her nostrils
and breathes in calm lake air,
her little eyes shimmering.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Why the goose? What does the goose have to do with anything? If, as I suspect, you are attempting to link the three by the common breath, I think it needs to be a little more explicit. How is the goose linked to "I" and "you"? What does the goose add to the poem? How is the goose part of the "ancient breath" concept? In short - what links this stanza to the rest of the poem? Because at the moment, I'm afraid I'm just not seeing it. On the other hand, I must compliment you on your imagery here. I can definitely see the goose in my mind's eye, hehe!

My love for you both
wakes me up
lets me start anew,
as at the same time
you drift asleep,
recollecting yourselves
to wake up
in a few hours
once I slip away from consciousness
and into temporary sleep.

Again, I'm not sure who you're talking about. In fact, I have to be honest - this entire stanza makes me do a double take. What are you trying to say? Who are you talking to? Who is "awake" and who is "asleep" and (most importantly) what does this have to do with breathing, other than the obvious? I would advise editing this verse to make it clearer and ensure it has a relationship with the rest of your piece.

Otherwise, I quite enjoyed it. There was a lovely feeling of peace throughout that was particularly restful after my busy day. I will look foward to seeing you improve it still further

Raw and beautiful
I take in a breath of ripe air
and slowly release it
out through my mouth.

Somewhere
a distance away
you do the same,
apart from the falsehoods
of the material world,
you let the ancient breath
become yours,
and slowly exhale
to return it to the mighty Earth.

Even further away
a solitary goose
swimming
opens her nostrils
and breathes in calm lake air,
her little eyes shimmering.

My love for you both
wakes me up
lets me start anew,
as at the same time
you drift asleep,
recollecting yourselves
to wake up
in a few hours
once I slip away from consciousness
and into temporary sleep.

green_river,


As a poem, it's a placeholder. The reader is confused by the title and led on a trail of description that provides little insight into the scene before finding a cliche ending.

I'm all for people learning to write poetry. The form has a wonderful grace and economy when well executed. This clumsy piece, however, would probably have gained a great deal from a more substantial injection of time and energy prior to posting.

Perhaps suffering a fit of hypoxia would increase the narrator's ability to create a meaningful stance on life.


Best,
Brad

I like the ambience this poem has... very crisp and sweet. The ending did seem shaky, the last word sounded repetitive because just a few lines previous you said, "you drift asleep". Ending with "into temporary sleep" did not seem to bring anything new to the poem.

The first three stanzas are very well done and I really enjoyed reading it!

cx

no doubt it was refreshing...

Did you mean that you love the goose? I did like the poem though, and the idea of breathing in different kinds of air was really nice and refreshing.

My love for you both
wakes me up
lets me start anew,
as at the same time
you drift asleep,
recollecting yourselves
to wake up
in a few hours
once I slip away from consciousness
and into temporary sleep.