Altair
I woke up, and couldnt remember anything. My body was heavy and I couldnt move. It felt like I was under the sea.
"Huh?"
I opened my eyes and I was in the middle of darkness. All I could see is myself and the whole place is empty.
"Where am I?"
It feels like Ive just awakened for a long time. I was sleeping endlessly, but why did I sleep? All I know is that I was dreaming about my life, but I couldnt remember it.
I saw an immense light with a figure in it, and it displaced all the darkness around me. I couldnt see it, the figure was shrouded in light too bright to look at. Then it left and all was dark again.
Suddenly a man appeared. He was wearing a silver crown with horns, a mask that does not cover his guileful smile and condescending eyes, and wearing a blood red ornate robe. In his right hand he held a golden staff with a three eyed demon's skull on it. His hair was long and dark, his lips was red and he had a golden eyes.
Beyond his mask I can see that he was looking at me with those eyes. For some reason I know what his look meant and I felt very familiar on it, the moment I saw his eyes and smile I knew it. It was the look of a villain who found a good piece in his evil scheme.
"Are you a fighter?" - ???
His voice made a deep, cold and villanous sound. It was supposed to be terrifying, but I was calm and felt like Im used hearing those kind of voice.
"If you are... What are you fighting for?" - ???
I want to answer him, but I couldnt. I want to know where am I, why Im here, and why he's here, however a strong force was stopping me from asking as if my mouth and tounge has their own will.
"Everyone have a reason to fight. Everyone fights for a cause. What is your reason for fighting?" - ???
His smile got wider, and more fearful just as his voice went deeper. He walked towards me, in every step I was trying my best to control my body in order to move. As he walks, his guileful smile does not fade and gently he stopped in front of me very close to my face.
"Is it for Fun, Power, Fame, Wealth? To seek what you desired, To remove your regrets, or To get what you couldnt?" - ???
Somehow his words rang a bell in my mind. It made my heart ache and I felt despairful. Then I remembered that I am one of those hes talking about. I was fighting for someone. No, its not just someone.
"Anything can be a reason to fight! As long as you have one reason you are qualified to be here!" - ???
I remembered fighting for them. The people closest to me. The people with me in my adventuring times, who did not leave me no matter what. I need to go. I need to save them. They are in danger.
Thats what I thought. But they werent in danger anymore. Because they already died.
"Behold! Here, is the battle that will be engraved in the history of all worlds, the battle that will be witnessed by all Gods, and the battle of the most powerful beings who fights for a cause!" - ???
He pointed at me and around me as if there was more he was pointing at while talking.
"All of you! This is your second chance! Your second life! With your death comes an opportunity to fulfill what you didnt..." - ???
To fulfill what I didnt? My second life? What did he mean?
"You just need to be the strongest, and anything you want will be given to you." - ???
Thats right, I finally realized what he means.
"... For us, the Gods will fulfill it." - ???
Im already dead.
Then he left and vanished in the middle of darkness.
And I remembered everything that I am and Ive done.
Im Just a Demon.
A Demon who has no reason to fight anymore.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I hope I helped you!
Interesting, very mysterious. I like the last sentence. I like the ideal and were you are heading with your story, but I want more. I want more description. The vagueness of the prologue might be what you want to draw the readers in, but if it is too vague the readers don't have enough to be drawn into. Describe the setting, more feelings of the main character. Use the descriptions of the setting and the main character to give your readers more questions.
In your story right now, I have no ideal what the setting looks like. I it like the underworld? Heaven? A gladiators arena? Or maybe a medieval Lord's castle? Add more to the setting, but most of all I want emotions. From the main character. I want to know what the character feels. Are they scared? Worried? Or maybe nothing at all. I haven't connected to your story because there is nothing to connect too.
I really did like were you are headed! Keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more of your story!
Interesting, very mysterious. I like the last sentence. I like the ideal and were you are heading with your story, but I want more. I want more description. The vagueness of the prologue might be what you want to draw the readers in, but if it is too vague the readers don't have enough to be drawn into. Describe the setting, more feelings of the main character. Use the descriptions of the setting and the main character to give your readers more questions.
In your story right now, I have no ideal what the setting looks like. I it like the underworld? Heaven? A gladiators arena? Or maybe a medieval Lord's castle? Add more to the setting, but most of all I want emotions. From the main character. I want to know what the character feels. Are they scared? Worried? Or maybe nothing at all. I haven't connected to your story because there is nothing to connect too.
I really did like were you are headed! Keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more of your story!
Hi there, I'm here to write a quick review for you.
Having read MJ's review, I have to say I completely agree with the ellipses. I'm not a fan of them in prose in any case as I feel they are too cliche, and don't really achieve anything by their inclusion. I understand that you may have used them as a stylistic choice, to make the prologue seem vague and without direction. That in itself is not necessarily a bad thing, though it can cause readers to lose interest quickly, so it's best that you've kept your prologue short.
I also don't agree with the use of multiple question marks randomly at the end of sentences. I've never come across that before and in my opinion, it simply doesn't work. It doesn't illustrate any point and completely doesn't belong. This may be how people speak in text messages, but it has no place in prose.
Both these things are grammatically incorrect (as already pointed out) and annoying to read. Please get rid of them.
The whole of this piece is very disjointed. This is fine because it leaves us asking questions, but I found I wasn't willing to read on to answer them. There is nothing in here that really grabs my attention. This is good to read: http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-ar ... ed-excerpt
for some pointers in the right direction.
MJ has mentioned everything else that I would, but my suggestion would be to write a few chapters of your novel then come back to your prologue. It often works out that you have a better idea of what you want to convey once you have got part way through the piece.
This turned out to be longer than originally intended, but I hope it's been useful to you. Please let me know if you have any questions or would like further clarification.
Icy
Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review.
I have three main points that I want to address, so I'll get right into it.
Firstly, I didn't like the way you used ellipses. They were used way too frequently and made your story seem very choppy and disconnected, especially since they usually were put between fragments as a way to connect them. It didn't really work, and was both grammatically incorrect and a turn-off to your story. Here's an example of what you did and a better way to write it.
How I would write it:
I remember falling for what felt like forever, plummeting into the unknown. Then I saw a man wearing a mask, a red cape, and a crown with horns and holding a staff made of a demon's skull. I was terrified, but unable to run or speak. Petrified, I stood there and watched him closely, analyzing his every movement. The man smiled sadistically at me.
Secondly, this was really, really short, to the point where it didn't have all the elements of a story. You have a work in progress here, not a full story. We didn't know the plot, the characters, the setting, and what we did learn was very brief. I couldn't emphasize with the main character and his/her struggles because I didn't know who he/she was. I didn't even really know all the struggles the main character was facing.
And thirdly, I would have wanted a lot more. This was, quite frankly, like a few thoughts strung together from the middle of a novel. It didn't really have the feel of a prologue, and felt more like a chapter from the middle of a book, as I mentioned before. A prologue normally shows the backstory of a character, at least in my experience. You could show a scene from when the MC was very young, or the first day of his/her training, or a memory from a particular training session that has significance later in the story. I think that you have great ideas, but you need to spend more time and effort forming them into an exact story.
Hopefully this review was helpful, and made you see what needed to be changed and how I felt about your story as a reader. I wish you all the best, and hopefully my review was just harsh enough to convey my point but not to discourage you. Keep writing, and great things will come of it! If you ever have any questions, don't hesitate to contact me, and I will do my best to help improve your writing.
Best wishes,
MJ