"How can you do this?" I cried into the pearl gates. Lips spewing blasphemy, I kept on, daring the One to hear me and listen. "If the humans die than so be it!" My fists clenched, never knowing if I'd be smote where I stood.
The others of my kind were gathering in silent sick fascination, gazing at me with dark emotionless eyes. Some had the same views as myself, and despite their vows to stand by me when I brought the issues to the pearl gates, I now stood alone. They were male, all of them, but they knew me as an equal. No amount of their respect made them help me though.
As a response, the gates opened. My heart skipped a beat. Would I be meeting the One? The One who supposedly loved us beyond all reason? Reason is my domain, and I knew that beyond reason was chaos. The One was not in chaos. I'd never met the One, our Father, but I was so sure that through those harp shaped halls was the One walking toward me.
"Listen to me- I am your reason and you know it!" Voice shrill, I felt that the One could hear me. "You created us! We are your joy, you perfected us like you view yourself. Please let us leave the humans behind. Please, let us let them be a burden upon your shoulders no more." Falling to my knees in the wisps of sky and cloud, I pleaded, sending mist swirling away in frightened tendrils with one massive wing beat. The air buzzed and hummed with sparkling energy, my wings stirring up the raw power radiating from behind the gates.
With hearing perfected through the ages I could hear footsteps as smooth and even as the thundering of a waterfall or the push-pull of the tides, footsteps echoing from beyond the harp gates. The gates shone as if to impress the being they withheld.
Daring a glance at the older ones of my race, I could see something in their eyes that I did not feel, did not comprehend.
"You have spoken against our Father," a voice thundered. It was as smooth as the steps, but not holy enough for the One. That voice, which should have stirred the deep rooted memories in my soul, couldn't be the One's. It was a strong voice, deep and rumbling like thunder.
"Michael..." I snarled, my lip instantly curling. One hard thrust down of my wings sent me high into the blue. Mist spiraled around the gold, pearl, and fellow divine beings.
The gates opened slowly, reluctant to release their hound of war. Michael's head bore a gold circlet, rested softly upon his dark haired brow. His face was lean and his eyes belonged to a warrior. Despite my anger I dropped into a bow on the clouds, kneeling before the surreal angel. IT was only our nature to bow to the Father's highest angel.
He tilted his head, "Father wants the humans to live. This storm they have caused is not what He wants. Father is willing to sacrifice us to save them." Nothing in his tone held the anger that mine did, and nothing he said in the One's defense helped tame the fire. "I had always advised Father against creating the first female angel. Women are unreasonable, conniving, and lesser- it was ridiculous. It is not wonder Aaron hurled himself to Earth to get away from you." The words bit hard into my chest, making it hard to breathe.
"Aaron did not fall because of me," I said, voice and upper lip trembling. Tears stung the back of my eyes like angry bees. Michael always did know how to make any angel crumble under his words.
One tear slipped from my eye, falling. Before it touched the ground it turned to liquid silver. The sight burned my eyes. Why couldn't I have been made like the others? They cry and they bleed gold, but Father made me lesser, made me bleed and cry silver. It was just another reason- and I am the angel of Reason.
In full armor I stood, slender wings defiant. "He made us perfect. We are better than them. I am better than them!"
Pride. Pride is an awful thing. Pride is what got the Morningstar- Father's beloved creation- hurled from heaven.
The sharpness of their inhales told me that the fellow angels were thinking the same as I- pride is a sin, Morningstar's sin.
Michael narrowed his eyes like a hound, "You have sinned. We cannot allow those not pure in soul to remain in heaven."
He launched himself on top of me, taking his sword to my agile wings and hacked at them with searing heavenly fire. Eyes streaming with silver tears I saw the others do nothing to come to my aid. He stripped my heavenly armor and hacked at my ebony hair. I thought I'd been screaming, but my harsh croak and dry tongue stuck to my mouth and produced no sound.
Naked and exposed in flesh and emotion I was held, Michael's armor gloved hand lifting me into the blue by my neck. Wings dragging on the mist behind me, he walked to the edge of heaven and held me suspended there for a moment. Down far below the blue and green of Earth moved slowly, a 'perfect' place for Father's favorite subjects. My hell.
I shrieked and kicked, begging Michael, trying to conjure up my own fiery sword. He looked at me without pity. And that one phrase, one sentence that bore into my heart and soul, would stick with me forever.
"This was His wish." And he let me fall.
End of chapter
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,629 Reviews
Thank you!
I write by hand and then usually just write it up on my Mac, which has its' ups and downs when it comes to writing. I'll look it over again.
This was amazing! I am also aiming to write a story about fallen angels, although mine is different. I love the fact that already this has left me wanting to find out more. I am hoping that in the next couple of chapters you explain the reasoning behind this one though, or perhaps do something like a flashback? Anyway, keep up the great work and I will be sure to keep reading! It would be much appreciated if you could give feedback on mine so far. Once again, amazing start!
Very interesting. I find the way you start off particularly good for a dialogue beginning. This story seems to have had much thought put into it. It is philosophically thought provoking and makes the reader think. The fact the main character is a female does not show up right away making it somewhat of a "WOW" moment when the reader discovers this.
Interesting story idea!
Others have already mentioned the grammar and spelling errors so with that, good luck!
~FW~
Thank you all so much for your feedback and insights, oh and the compliments are nice too.
Thank you guys!
Wow, this was amazing. The characters were sureal and thoughtful. It was vivid and fairly detailed.
A suggestion i would make though is to thoroughly spellcheck/proofread your work. If you are using software, like Microsoft Word, don't just use the spellchecker. It doesn't catch grammar mistakes, and even some spelling. Also, you want to read it out loud, so that everything sounds as if it flows correctly.
Another suggestion might be to give a little bit of info or background on your main character? That is just my opinion, though.
Other than that, wonderful story. It is definitely one that I would read.
Omg. I love this. you don't know how much I love all things bibical related. it is very personal for me. I'm not going to repeat any of what everyone else says because that would be pointless. I couldn't really find anything to critique. so im going to end this review on a job well done. Good luck. and keep writing. I will defientely look for this topic again.
Paul here!
Oh, and (forgive my flamboyancy), but love, love, love! This is great! I've always had a thing for biblical mythology, especially concerning the Fall of Heaven and the Angel Rebellion. This chapter sets up an incredibly cool story, and I loved the parallels between the MC and "Morningstar" (I understand why you chose not to say "Lucifer" or "Satan"). The writing is very good, and I (once again) love the title.
Now for the critique part (which is going to be very short and nit-picky, because, quite frankly, this was so darn good)
I find your lack of spellcheck disturbing, young padawan
Beyond that, I really couldn't find anything to dislike here. Keep doing what you're doing,
or elseand everything will turn out great.Keep writing, Paul
I'm not much help in the grammar department, but I think this was really good so far. I liked most of the descriptions, but I want to know why she wants the humans gone, what her names, a bit of a back story on this Aaron guy, ect. I think you could work a bit more explanations into this if possible. I really like this idea though, it's really unique and original. I enjoy reading something entirely new once in a while. Everythings so over used lately, it's hard to find a story like this. Seriously though, great job. Good luck on your future writes! Please let me know when you put another chapter up. Thank you.
This is amazing and beautiful. It is also very sad and inspiring!!! I'm speechless and it makes me want more and more Please Update soon!!!! You did good I just wish I knew more of the girl angel!! I really can't wait for more of this!!1 Good luck and hope you receive very many reviews and likes XD. Good luck and Keep up the good works!!! Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3
Hey Renn, I don't think we've officially met
I'm Stella, I'll be your reviewer today.
I. NITPICKS
This is really awkward. Like, really awkward.
If the disaster's inevitable then there'd be no, like, so be it! Scratch the inevitable.
Okay, are these your protagonist's fists? Or just global fists?
Wait, what?
The "you've" here seems out of place in the formal setting.
Alright then.
II. INTRODUCING YOUR PROTAGONIST
So, right now, fallen angels are everywhere. I've read my fair share of books about them and avoided lots more. So the question is, what makes your angel different? They're falling for the exact same reason as Lucifer and please, that is an old concept. 5000 years old or as old as Milton, depending how you look at it. So. You've got this concept as old as the hills in any case, how are you going to get us hooked?
That's where your protagonist comes in. And currently we know nothing about them except they hate humans and they've got an inferiority complex. But who are they? We have no name, no age- or relative age, anyway- no gender- I know they're an angel but you say the others are all male. We need to know those basics as soon as possible. But more to the point, we need to feel for this character, we need to pity them when things go wrong, be happy when things go well. So you need to develop them from the word go. That would be my main concern.
III. OVERALL
As I say, it needs a little extra bite to keep us going. But still an impressive start!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
thanks. Yes, I did read it over and when I have the time I plan to edit it.
Haha, it's decent content then! Angel being thrown out of heaven- I liked it. Did you read my review and look over the changes I made? If you learn to simplify your writing, then you could save yourself a lot of improvement-time. Also, simpler writing tends to get messages across to the reader way faster.
Thanks Formslipper, I was aiming more for what people thought of the content but that's okay.
I read it. Good work, Renn.
Can I tell you something? Your writing style is virtually the same as mine was a year ago. That's not to say your overall prose is underdeveloped, but rather (this is the killer) some of it needs to be undone. I regret to inform you that you are officially diagnosed with superfluousness (but we both struggle with this, so YAY!).
Anything boldfaced, nix; anything italicized, add- it'll help to streamline the story.
You don't have to read it like this, Renn! My wild bolds and italics are very confusing, and I'm only putting them there to show you what changes I'm making. So look at your work now, a bit more streamlined:
So you can see from the above second draft of your story that it's clearer. As E.B. White says, "Since writing is a form of communication, then clarity can only be a virtue." Keep writing, Renn, and be careful not to over-communicate!
It is the author's duty to conveniently accommodate the reader (which means less words whenever possible).
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"Words will fail you"
I'm trying to go for something to be in 'Featured Works' but I think that it needs more 'likes'....
Well then, thanks!
This was amazing! haha, it gave me goose bumps reading it- i CANT wait for more!
please write soon hahah, i have absolutely nothing bad to say or any critisism. PERFECT xD
Holy, holy, holy... Quite literally.
I'm pretty sure there's nothing on YWS like this, correct me if I'm wrong. I think that you've done an excellant job of providing mystery as well as description, if that makes sense.
My one gripe is that Mrs. Angel-pants isn't described as much as I'd like. I have no Idea what she looks like, actually, I only know that she's a she becuase I know YOU, and that you only write from the female perspective and that you've shown me the character design
So, good premise, brilliant start, needs more detail on the main character.
Got it? good.