Sitting at the station
Underneath the rat race
Righteous attack imminent
Everyone invisible to the other
Forgetting they exist together
I am holding my head in my hands again
Remembering the times of unity
Exploding bombs around us now
Violation of our time
Indecision of wanting this life
Overlooking the freedom of choice
Last minute panic, phone calls
Atomic bomb has dropped
To the end we are sent, gates locked
I am not seeking forgiveness
On my knees waiting for sanctuary
Nowhere - the only place I'll end up
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Heya! This is me again, getting around to the third work you posted yesterday. This one, for some reason, reminds me of my own writing to an extent. The themes you are discussing in this poem- desolation, depression, a reflection of urban/suburban life- are common in my own. Nonetheless, the way you have presented these ideas differ to the way I present them.
The narrator is in reflection, and I assume they are either at a train or a bus station (most likely train; makes senses that it's a train station). I also assume this is an Underground station, as "underneath the rat race" would suggest. It appears that this line hints that above the narrator, in the streets, there is a "rat race" which seems an apt metaphor for competition in the modern economic climate. People appear to be so focused and isolated in their own lives that they don't seem to notice or care about others. I assume that the "righteous attack", which you have described as "imminent", involves an argument in the street or a voicing of opposition in a passionate and violent way. I can literally hear the footsteps of people and the smell of wet paint when I read this section.
The narrator is expressing frustration and annoyance of recent events. They are reflecting on times when things weren't so disjointed, which probably increases their frustration. Indeed, the "exploding bombs" could relate to how sudden and how crushing the events are. I can only assume that the "violation of our time" suggests that this common is applicable to everyone, not just the narrator.
The narrator is analysing the public life around them, linking it to their life; a life full of "last minute panic", "indecision of wanting this life" and "phone calls". Indeed the narrator finds the idea of freedom of choice as one which is overthought. The narrator seems to appreciate simplicity. Again linking to the "exploding bombs around us now", the "atomic bomb" suggests the level of change in the narrator. It appears I waffling now (XD) so excuse me if this is sounding pretty odd! lulz
The last line is very Ian Curtis-like, which is a compliment but also an observation. The narrator, despite being on their knees "waiting for sanctuary", is not seeking forgiveness. They appear to have excepted their actions. It appears the narrator is taking a highly pessimistic- borderline nihilistic- view of some eternal afterlife, almost like Heaven or Mecca. This poem ends on a very sad note
Great work; easily one of your best. You are very diverse in your subject matter, much like your music taste
Oh my baby reviewed. XD
Thank you
-hugs-
Wow this is cool!
Overall, great work, love it!
I don't see many of these on YWS at all, in fact I think this is the first one I've seen, and I've been here for over two months... xD Trust me, it was a good first impression!
I especially liked the last line, personally, it was very nicely done, and I especially like your punctuation there too. The "-" really adds something and makes it a really FINAL end to the poem which I like greatly.
I really have zero improvements to suggest I'm afraid, but I can at least say I really loved your words. I mean the way you write, it's seriously amazing. Your ideas are really great and I envy you!
-CFG
hey there, Bloodinkseesfootage!
This is wonderful! I haven't seen many acrostic poems around youngwriterssociety, and I really stink at writing them, but you nailed it! I love the topic, a lot! You really built up the tension well with it, which is important with topics like a bombing.
My favorite part was
"Remembering the times of unity
Exploding bombs around us now
Violation of our time
Indecision of wanting this life
Overlooking the freedom of choice"
This poem is seriously deep and emotional, but you kept the lines pretty short, and that's sometimes pretty hard to do, so congrats!
Thats all for now, keep writing, and good job!
--Cam
Really nice poem! I very much enjoyed reading it
I've hardly ever come across Acrostic poems, especially on YWS, and I believe you wrote yours exceptionally well. Especially because I know it can be very hard to write one, making sure your poem makes sense and has meaning or a message behind it while at the same time having to begin the lines with a specific letter.
You created brilliant imagery. You were able to transport the reader into another world, away from our reality and right into the action and feeling that was transmitted to us through your words. I have a question though, did you have a certain event in mind, or was this just in general? I mean, did you have a setting of time while you wrote this, past, present or future? However I think it's absolutely fine that you didn't mention every little detail like the time ad place and what exactly was going on as it lets the mind be more open and free to imagination.
I liked how you created suspense in the first 7 lines, how I didn't know exactly where the poem was headed until you mentioned the bombing. I really like how you started.
One thing I will suggest is, to help with the flow of your poem and maybe making it sound more lyrical, you could try a syllable format. It doesn't have to rhyme though, this was fine.
Bye!!
Aww thanks for the review. Nah it was just general, and time setting didn't really enter into my head to be fair. So yeah. Thank again.