Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
We're gonna murder her money
So I can buy my new car
Sever all the limbs
Keep the entrails in a jar
No, I'm not Jack the Ripper
He showed creative flair
I'm doing this for the kicks
I'm it in on a dare
We'll be burning all the pages
Hiding evidence, shooting proof
Not revealing motivation
But we'll escape from the roof
Blue eyed, ivory girl
Daddy's little bitch
We know he can afford to lose
Because he's rich as shit
Bang bang, knock, knock
Her head's now vermillion
Leave her at home
Whilst we take Daddy's billions
She makes a pretty corpse
This looks almost funny
Now it doesn't matter
We're only in this for the money
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
The ever so acclaimed Bloodink. I think I gave you one review before, but that one was, as I can remember, light hearted.
To start off, this is extremely dark. Now, I have an extremely dark sense of humor and this fits well. It has an enjoyable sense of humor. It is funny to see one's plans of murder. Im not that screwed up. The plot is priceless. You make the narrator takes this as all fun and games *Insert The Shining reference*
I seriously laughed out loud when I read this.
Overall, this is a great piece.
Strange gives you....
9.8/10
Great job
Stay groovy
This is truly a shocking poem, due to these points:
-It is written in red, the colour of passion and death.
-the last line leaves the reader whith a sense of disgust for the attitude.
-I don't understand why, but I liked the lack of punctuation in this piece.
However the line "But we'll escape from the roof." in my opinion doesn't scan too well. Mabey "get out through" rather than "escape from"?
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Hey there, BloodInkSeesFootage,
wow, I seem to review a lot of your work, haha. That's what friends are for? I think we have that much in common. Anyway if i'm gonna do this review i better get to it.
This is really an exceptional piece, very very well written. I am always impressed with your work, but this sets a new amazing level.
However, I am slightly unimpressed by several things, which is a bit unusual for you
First off, in the very first line where you said "murder her money" did you mean 'murder for money' or even 'murder her for money'? It doesn't quite make sense the way you worded that...
Also this may be my mistake since i'm not exactly sure if it is correct as you have it but should it be "sever" like you have or should it read "severe"? again, i'm thinking this could be my mistake.
In the second stanza, I loved the Jack the Ripper reference! Very good incorporation with that.
But, in that section, i think you meant "i'm in on it on a dare" maybe? that line was fairly confusing.
the description in stanza four is wonderful. almost like i could see the girl from the few words you used to describe her. Blonde hair, blue eyes, ivory skin, and expensive fancy clothing. Very beautiful description for a very beautiful girl. Down to her attitude, "Daddy's little bitch" Language like that is sometimes frowned upon but you made it work very well.
In the fifth stanza you used onamatapoeia, and it too turned out very well. I could clearly hear the shots in my head. You also used "whilst" in this stanza, and old-english words like that can be hard to incorporate but they add such nice flair to your work, so good job there. Although, "daddy's" in that last line should have been capitalized.
The last stanza is probably my favorite. I loved how you commented how she was still pretty, even as a corpse. but the next line "this look almost funny" doesn't really make sense, maybe substitute 'they' for 'this' i love the last two lines of the poem and the meaning behind it. because if all you wanted was the money, and the girl was pretty, you got what you wanted, right? so forget her. ahh, such sad lines. Maybe should have kept her alive, after all, I'd rather marry for money, than murder for money.
congrats, keep writing!
---Cam
Hey there! I'm here to review your poem. So let's get started!
Comments
Here, for me, it sounds a bit weird. While reading through the poem, it says you are murdering her though at the beginning it says "her money". Maybe add "for" between "her" and "money"? Just a suggestion unless it was meant to be read that way.
As I said before, this reads a bit weird as well. Maybe a switch with "it" and "in" would read it better. Again, unless you mean for the poem to read this way. Just a thought or two as I was reading through the poem.
Here, I would add a comma between the two "bang" words so it matches both of the "knocks" or you can take out the comma between the "knocks" to make them read the same.
I really like this phrase right here. It stands out to me and makes it very interesting. I have never heard anybody use "vermillion", so it is very interesting. I like it a lot! ^.^
I like the closing stanza or phrase. It closes the poem very well and I feel that it recaps all that has happened through the poem in just four lines. Very well put!
Over All
Over all, I just had a few things that I saw through the poem. I liked the poem a lot and how it connects and flows together. You did an amazing job with it! If you have any questions about a comment I made, feel free to send me a message. If you have anything else you would like reviewed, post it on my profile. ^.^ You are an amazing poet, I have to say I am a bit jealous! Ha- Again, great job and keep on writing!
~Knight Onyx