Love on the Victoria Line

Hey there, BloodinkSeesFootage! Here's a review for you representing team Red Writing Hood today!

The first thing that struck me about this poem was the sense of slightly perturbed rhyme and rhythm. I pondered whether or not you meant to give it that slightly off-kilter feel, and I decided that the subject matter here definitely lends itself to kind of thing. In other words, the slightly distorted rhythm mirrors the feelings of confusion and desperation that the narrator might be experiencing. Good job there. I also liked the extended metaphors you used, such as heroin addiction and the vital artery to convey the sheer desperation and reliance the narrator feels upon the subject. Most of the time, when people try to write romance poems that have a desperate feel or even just a sense of longing or strong affection towards someone on the part of the narrator, the poems can come out a little bit gaudy and distract from the real feelings the writer is trying to convey. But here, I think you did a very good job of staying within the limits of effectiveness while still communicating the magnitude of the narrator's desperation.

The only thing I would suggest you fix here would be some really small diction issues. It's possible you intended this, but it seems like some of the wording choices here are sacrificed in favor of maintaining the rhyme and rhythm. For instance:

"Reliance on you isn't funny

You know I need it

Right hunny?"

just sort of seems like it's a regression from the desperate feeling of the rest of the poem. Up until then, the narrator was expressing their feelings towards their significant other with the powerful metaphor of the "blue artery connection". But then, in this little window, the tone is softened by a little bit. I would suggest maybe employing a third metaphor here to further contribute to that feeling of affectionate desperation. I also think it'd be cool if you expanded on it just a little. It seems that what you're trying to convey within the narrator is more complex than is suggested by this poem. It would be very interesting to see the ins-and-outs of their feelings and to walk away with more than the realization that the narrator is desperately in love.

Happy Review Day and I hope this helps you moving forward!

I love this, "blue artery connection", is my favourite line.
It's simple but says a lot and that's one of the best traits a poem can have.
Brilliant x

You are quite a talent, aren't you?

Rarely a poem confuses you so much and then when you understand it you feel it's sheer brilliance.

I thought this something absurd at first, only to realise its brilliance after reading it again.

Generally I hate reading poems but I am definitely gonna follow each of yours. This is one of the best I have read in recent times. Keep it up.

Omigod. I love, LOVE love this piece! You have a lot of talent!

My favorite part has to be:

"Blue artery connection

I'm missing you

Like a heroin injection"
- I like how you compared it to a heroin injection, like it's good, but its bad at the same time.
Then in the bottom you say "if that artery breaks, I break to"

"I am addicted to you


So if that artery breaks


I break too"
- You compare this to addictions,, because it is sort of like your in one, just a different type.

All in all, outstanding job, I've read it about 4 time's and am still open mouthed. Keep writing.

p.s. I agree @ulala8 also.

When I was reading through this, I was flat out confused. Finally, when I reached the last stanza, it suddenly hit me and all of the poem made sense. I really really like this poem. It really spoke to me and I related to it very well. My only question/concern is about the first line, "Love 'M'." Is this a title? An opening line? I can't tell, but if it's a line, it certainly doesn't fit.
This is a great poem! Thank you!! Keep writing.