Published September 8, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
-This piece is a bit of a long shot. More of my usual, just tweaked slightly. Testing the waters. -
“So what do you think?” I’d given him the full run down of my thoughts. It would probably have been easier if I’d just let him read my diary – but somehow, that seemed too personal.
“Well...” he ran a hand through his already scruffy hair, seemingly considering his answer. “I think you should quit worrying about that jerk,” Ross replied.
He had been my best friend since I was six. He knew everything about me; and yes, that included all the gory details of the break-up. Whether or not he’d actually wanted to know about that or not was a different matter.
“Why do you still care anyway?” he added, before taking a mouthful of his cheese sandwich.
“I don’t know.” It was the truth. The more I thought about it, the further I seemed to push an answer away. It only made everything more confusing. I knew the answer was to stop
thinking. This brought me back to my original, impossible problem: I CAN’T STOP THINKING!!!
“You just have to let it go. You know what they say,” Ross winked.
“No, what do they say?” I shook my head naively. I could imagine the sort of thing he was going to say.
“The cure for a break up is a hook up. Go fuck someone else.” My eyes nearly popped.
Sometimes Ross would come out with a blinding line like that. I didn’t know what to say. So I said
nothing.
“It’s not that simple though is it?” I sighed.
“Why not?” he shrugged nonchalantly.
Good question. “Because I’m not a slut,” I replied.
Ross laughed. “I didn’t mean literally screw someone else.”
“Well what did you mean then?” I snapped.
He looked at me now – directly in the eyes.
“Okay, if I give you a line, I want you to reply to me in the most imaginative way you can. Think
sexy.”
Ross looked at me for some sort of confirmation. “Ok, I think I follow,” I muttered. He nodded and
stared expectantly at me.
“Ok, are you ready for this?” I laughed as he wriggled in his seat so our knees touched. “There are two hundred and six bones in the human body...would you like another one?”
Uncontrollable laughter. I laughed. And kept laughing. I couldn’t stop.
“Seriously, that is your best line?”
“Not my best no, but, oh, shut up!” he punched me playfully on the shoulder.
“Do you want a line? I’ll give you a line. I lost my virginity, can I have yours?” I added a wink.
Ross blinked at me, he was smiling and I could tell he was slightly impressed though.
“I’ve taught you well,” he grinned.
“Yeah, I watch you, and then do the complete and exact opposite.”
He had his unimpressed face on.
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139,242 Literary Works • 672,522 Reviews
Well. I loved this piece. My favourite line? “Yeah, I watch you, and then do the complete and exact opposite.” It captures the essence of the relationship between the characters.
The use of natural dialogue is also very good: “Seriously, that is your best line?” I love the fact that the characters are so comfortable with each other, because it makes for a very natural reading experience for the reader which is very enjoyable.
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading more of your work.
Yours in ink
~Bloodink
Hey, so I don't know why you named it as "Informative opposites" and I'm still guessing. But I find this very interesting. And the dialogues were realistic and funny. And the mistake I found was
"I didn't mean literally screw someone" this line could have been.
"I didn't literally mean to screw someone" may be this will work. I find it very entertaining. I say, you should keep going on with this story. And I like it.
Keep writing!!!
Cheers!!!
Thanks for the comments. Yeah, the title is a bit random considering the outcome of the work. I came up with the title first, then didn't change it. Oh well.
Glad you liked it. Will write more soon.
Yours in ink
~Bloodink
HAHAHA! Possibly two of the best lines I've ever heard. This is freaking hilarious. I'm really glad that I read this. My favorite kinds of stories are the ones that are short, but still have me holding my sides at the end.
I'll start by saying that I really enjoyed the layout of this piece. It just feels like it's chock full of "one-liners," which, quite literally, it is. It doesn't allow you to dwell on trivial things because it immediately goes from one thought to the next in a very fluid manner.
As a short story, it's got the perfect lack of description to make me feel as though I am actually standing in the shoes of the main character. I don't know her name and, frankly, I don't care because, for the time being, I am her (I'm just assuming it's a her, but I don't think you actually make it known that she is a "she"). There's enough of a description that I get from just her words and inner thoughts. I also like the fact that there is little description to the character's physical appearances. Maybe it's just me but I, for one, absolutely hate it when people spend too much time describing a person's hair, or the color of their eyes, or every finite detail involving their Prada shoes- which, don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of Prada, but unless it actually has something to do with the rest of the story I don't really give a rat's ass.
Grammatically, I have little to say. Even the things that I could say don't really apply because the story is literally being told through the eyes of a teenager who, in all honesty, wouldn't be using correct grammar in their everyday thoughts. The only thing I caught immediately was:
" It would probably have been easier if I’d just let him read my diary – but somehow, that seemed too personal."
Which is a line that I really loved, but I feel as though "would" and "probably" should be switched. I think it would just flow better is all, but that's basically insignificant.
The only other thing I suggest is maybe changing the last line to "He was unimpressed." I feel like the way it's worded now just isn't final enough. It doesn't make me think that it's entirely concluded. If you want to keep it the way it is, I would just suggest adding maybe one final quote from him afterward, just to really wrap it all up. Like I said before, you seem to have a knack for one-liners.
Aside from these minor suggestions, a job well done! I know it says that this isn't your style of writing, but I would love to see more of this type of witty banter and personal narrative from you. NAILED IT!
Aww, thank you.
Never know which way it's going to go when you write 'new' stuff. Will keep your comments in mind. Thanks for the taking the time to review.
Yours in ink
~Bloodink
Interesting (sort of; romance really isn't my thing). You have the two personalities pretty well-developed, but I'm left with my now-firmly-established pet peeve of both first and third person narratives' opening chapters [Huh? the first chapter of a new story]- I don't have a name. Seriously, I'm tired of reading through a story and having no idea who the main character is or what they're called by the time I finish an opening chapter. GIVE ME A NAME!!! *sighs and calms self* Okay, got that off my chest. But seriously, that is an issue. If I don't have a name, I can't identify with the main character. So please give me something to go off of.
Hope this helps!
Protagonist name = Evie.
Hope this soothes your anger.
My sincere apologies.
Yours in ink
~Bloodink
Protagonist name = Evie.
Hope this soothes your anger.
My sincere apologies.
Yours in ink
~Bloodink
It is not anger, just frustration. Anger for me would come out in trashing the work; frustration comes out it explaining the problem whether you want to hear it or not.
But thank you for the name, just please put it into the story.
You're welcome. Will do.