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16+ Language

I Stand Before You

by Renard


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

I stand before you

As part of my declaration

Listening yet?

My lips move

No sound, no sound

Falls upon closed ears

The ignorant masses

Who ignore my message!

No more, no more

You’ll all fucking die

Then you’ll be sorry

The ones left behind

Will grieve, will grieve

Poison from the inside

Turned against all

Inserting anarchy

To the establishment

No trust, no trust

Hold me in your memory

As I slip out of sight

Still not listening

YOUR POLICIES ARE SHIT!

No belief, no belief

Where we stand now

Amidst the warped excuse

You have no idea

How we got here

No matter, no matter


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Thu Jan 09, 2014 4:29 am
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viv says...



without music i can hear this as a song. the words are good and flow for that type of music and you keep on topic




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Tue Dec 10, 2013 8:47 pm
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smile says...



hey there ....i liked this piece so much ...but if its my song i would change some parts like this one

You’ll all fucking die

Then you’ll be sorry

The ones left behind ........ to


You’ll be fucking die

and then you’ll be sorry

for the ones left behind






Thank you for the alterations, I will bear them in mind. XD



smile says...


you are welcome



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Fri Dec 06, 2013 6:52 am
ErinYount wrote a review...



Hi.

For starters I'd say you could have used punctuation more. Perhaps a comma at the end of each line, full stops at the end of the sentences. One has to read it twice, to break down and understand where one sentence begins and the other ends.

A few pecks:
" You’ll all fucking die

Then you’ll be sorry

The ones left behind

Will grieve, will grieve"

I'm not quite sure who'll die? If the people who will die are the ones supposedly evil (I am using evil because I know it is directed to someone but I cant quite understand who), then why would people grieve for them? If people arent grieving "for" them, why would they grieve anyway?

"To the establishment

No trust, no trust"
"YOUR POLICIES ARE SHIT!

No belief, no belief"

certainly shows that you are referring to a governing body of some sort. But who exactly? It could be anyone from a school board to the government of a country.

"Where we stand now

Amidst the warped excuse

You have no idea

How we got here"
If you're saying that they're giving you excuses, what sort of excuses.

"No matter, no matter"
Quite an ambiguous ending. It almost feels like someone hit the post button without finishing the piece.

See, it all comes back to the same thing. Without the reader knowing who your work is aimed at, the certain detailing becomes very vague, and one can not comprehend them at all. It becomes confusing that way.

I'd say it was a fine read, but it could go way better with certain tid-bits of improvement.

Keep writing!

-Erin




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Fri Dec 06, 2013 1:37 am
Archer wrote a review...



Hello, hello!

I completely agree with Ossum. At the moment, it seems like the focal point of this poem is "Your policies are shit," but it falls somewhat flat because it's not directed toward anything. You don't need to necessarily say who you're talking to, but you do need to drop some clues for the reader to clasp onto. Is it anger toward the government? School? Wall Street? There's all sorts of imagery you can evoke to go for any one of those.

However, while the poem lacks focus, it is written very well. The whole piece flows along naturally, and the repetition of certain phrases actually worked out. There is a weird escalation in the tone from "no more, no more" to "You'll all fucking die," though. It seemed like I was hearing someone's manifesto at the beginning, and then all of a sudden the speaker just randomly tells me that I'm going to die as if he was schizophrenic. That can work, but it again needs focus.

So overall, the poem was written really well with a clear flow and good use of repetition. Now just insert some imagery to give it focus, and it'll be great!




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Tue Dec 03, 2013 6:47 pm
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Ossum wrote a review...



Wassup wassup wassup!
My name is Ossum and this is your review!

Now, I am a big believer that if you are going to use curses in a piece of art form they need to be used with care. I think you have used it in both good and bad ways to describe your point. Which I will say can be a multiple of things from a readers point of view. I would go back and re-edit this to try and come across with whatever your focal point is. As it was hard to follow and seemed to bounce around from one viewpoint to the next. Which is fine if that is the intent, but it just needs to be structured more to introduce the variety.

All the same, it is a powerful piece I believe if you can take the time to analyze what the message is truly beneath it.






Thank you. This is a really thoughtful review. I will try and make time to get back to editing this piece and bear your comments in mind. :)



Ossum says...


Sounds great, I cant wait to read it ^-^




That there's some good in this world, Mr Frodo - and it's worth fighting for.
— Samwise Gamgee