Each Servant

Hullo there!

This is definitely a very dark poem! I will not hold that against you though because i think your imagery is working splendidly. I dislike rhyme on principle so I am sorry to say I cannot give you points for that one, but I think that you use it to some effect here.

What i think you might want to work on is clarity. I believe I understand what is happening in this poem but i cant be sure because I feel like in your need to maintain that rhyme scheme you have lost some sense of what you are writing this for, or rather a sense of what this is about. The rhyming restricts your poetry, as it does a bajillion other poems, ew rhyme. But it restricts this poem because you could have so much more to this, this idea of rebellion and dystopia and the childlike innocence which is both lost and gained and works at such great juxtaposition to everythin you are talking about,.

Please do consider writing some more here, giving yourself a chance to expand this poem by taking away the rhyme scheme (which as I said, you work to some advantage, though i do find that the best rhymes are ones which you dont notice happening, but that might be because i just hate rhyme haha ) and using your lines and your lovely imagery to better effect.

Thank you for posting!

- Penguin.

*flips desk*
Whoa, this was legit.
Okay, RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Overall, this really made me /think./ It was like this poem took me by the hand, led me up Pride Rock, and showed me a whole new world.
I like how the hands change from the first stanza to the last stanza, but I think there should've been more of a transitional stanza to highlight that the hands are becoming more corrupted, as a metaphor for...May's innocence? Humanity? Something. But I do like the change.
I like the imagery of May in the second stanza, especially the first line, "naive to dysfunction," because that's definitely /me/ and I feel like that applies to a lot of people.
I love the line "breaking rules / to combat slander," because I just love the diction. "Combat," and "slander," /go/ well together, and that's the only way I can describe why I liked it.
I don't really have a lot of criticism for this poem, except that I had to read it twice through to get the real meaning...You might want to work on being just a /tiny/ bit more clear.
Nine stars of ten! Great job!!

As soon as you linked me this poem, I just had to review it. You explained how this poem links to the idea of desensitisation over the glory of death. I think this is a very good idea, and presented really well, to a high standard. This doesn't surprise me that you'd write to this standard; after all you did write gems such as Love On The Victoria Line.

I will take this work stanza by stanza.

Civil, bloodied hands,

Hold murder at bay.

Stifled laughter,

Does distort little May.

Naive to dysfunction,

Whilst they wait outside.

She holds mummy's hand,

Trying not to cry.

Breaking rules,

To combat the slander.

Fight in death rings,

May the innocent bystander.

Uncivil, muddied hands,

Welcome murder by May.

Freed laughter,

Does distort the killing day.