Tried and failed again.
Like holding your breath underwater and choking.
I don't understand.
Why I made that promise to them.
Now I am part of the covenant.
False smile plastered on my face like an idiot.
Debauched attempts at fun.
I don't understand.
The sight of pleasure amuses me.
Discontent at not having any of my own.
Or the accompanying feeling of sense.
I don't understand.
Being part of this covenant.
I have ensnared myself.
Looking back through the headlights.
At the people I used to know.
I don't understand.
In the crowd.
I was one of them.
Then I lost myself.
Then it all ended and now I have only the bleak remains.
Of the man I used to be.
I don't understand.
Covenant.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
So I'd like to show you something I do with a lot of new poets, or exploring poets, or myself when I'm really stuck on something.
Basically what I'm going to do is take your poem out of 'poem format' or take out the stanzas and lines. There are several things this can bring to light:
1. Is your punctuation appropriate?
2. Does it read naturally?
3. Can it be broken up differently?
4. Are there possible lapses in structure?
The reason we need these things is because while Poetry is a unique reading experience, it is a reading experience and we like to conserve energy by reading things we're familiar with, like familiar structure, punctuation, word usage and so forth. It really brings out the clarity in a poem.
Some poets like to maintain that poems need to have capitals at the beginning of every line, and that's a stylistic choice, and others choose not to include punctuation at all, that's really up to the author, but this can give you a chance to experiment.
I'm not going to do the entire thing, just the first few lines.
What this first thing shows me is that you've got some fragments with your sentences. They don't really read right, and it doesn't quite make sense.
The thing is, you do have sentences here, you just have them outside the periods. So, now I'll remove punctuation [including caps].
Ok, now that is much deeper. You have some really rich imagery with this and it comes out best without that period constantly at the end of where the lines were. It reads a lot smoother. Let's see if we can improve it again, by adding back some proper punctuation where I think you have sentences.
Now let's go back to your original line breaks.
I'm sure I could have gone through this a lot shorter and just told you "Oh, stop putting periods at the end," but where's the fun in that?
Onto the review.
Overall I think you have a really strong use of imagery. "looking back through the headlights" really is something I can relate to along with a lot of other people who have been driving. I question looking instead of blinding, but hey, semantics. I like the repetition of "I don't understand" because a lot of people get stuck on that phrase when they're trying to figure something out and they just can't get to what they want to say, or what they're talking about. It's a great use of repetition and you don't completely over-do it.
I think you need to look a little closer at including some of these things like "In the crowd I was one of them, then I lost myself, then it all ended and now, I have only the bleak remains of the man I used to know." This is seriously a long diatribe that goes through her history very quickly and I think you could slow it down. "In the crowd I was one of them. I lost myself then it all ended." Expand on what ended perhaps? "I only have" the modifiers like only [some say are useless in poetry because they should be expanded and recognized without the word] usually go before what they modify, like 'only have' only modifies the verb, have. "the bleak remains" wow, powerful image, but just using bleak? Why not expand on what it looks like? Why are they bleak? are they black and dinky? was he ripped to shreds, covered in ash? "of the man I used to know." Ok, so you used to know him. Who was he to your character? I figure he's a pretty important person to spend such a long sentence building up to him.
Cleaning things up like this is going to help a lot with the poem and perhaps make it longer, into something that we can really investigate and learn the entire story from, even in bits. Look at Daddy by Sylvia Plath. She does a great job of building an entire story just by small details in the poem that you have to really delve into in order to see it completely, but you kinda know what's going on after the first read. Try to emulate this if you're going to go into poetry as a narrative.
I hope this helps!
I would suggest writing a series of poems that are sort of like entries in chapters and trying to make this sort of into an epic if you've got the time. Chapters in poetry are called Cantos!
Also don't be afraid to write really long poetry, it's totally acceptable. You can even break it up into sections. There are a lot of fun things to explore in narrative poetry.
Wow! Thank you for such an indepth review.
Heyy!
I thought I'd stop by and give you an Holiday Review!
I think that all of the depth, and the thought put into your work goes really well together.
When I read it, I had to go back a few times and read a few of the sentences again, just to understand it better, but all in all, I think it's pretty good.
It left me wanting to read more about the man.
About how he ended up where he is now.
Just more.
Thank you for sharing your poem with us!
Hi BloodInk, Calvinn to review for you
You managed to portray a very destructive tragedy i.e. loneliness. I know that it is very possible you wrote this poem with a different intention in mind, but then again that's what interpretation is for, right? I am not the best at divulging into the nitpicks of poetry, so I hope you will settle for a novice's point of view. It's a relief to see you did not force any rhymes. For some reason, a lot of people, even green poets, equate the word poem with rhyme (which is so not the case).
I'm sorry, but I cannot reason out why there are so many fullstops (so please enlighten me!). There are instances (towards the beginning and the end, the punctuation works perfectly) where this really jars the flow of the poem. If you are attempting to capture the 'choking' feeling, then it's all good, but I would definitely prefer a more selective use of punctuation marks. Also, certain words feel 'thrown in'. Phrases on the lines of 'like an idiot' put me off a little bit. Personally, I want this poem to make me feel like it has been written by someone who is mature, who understands humanity and how detrimental it has proven to be. On a side note, I love the word 'debauched' and how you wove it into your poem so elegantly
I am extremely picky about what I review, so consider the fact that I took the time to review this as a compliment in your favour! It is a very well-written piece, powerful and sheds light on the poet's predicament. It succeeds in making the reader emphatise!
Great job, well done
Calvinn.
I thought the full stops would add a sense of finality to each point. It was supposed to have a choke-y feel to it. The idea is to provide a very cynical feel to the poem. Thanks for taking the time to review.
OK, thanks for the heads up!
You're welcome 
Hi rikki here for a review.
The piece seems very gloomy and less joyful on the inside.
Is it meant to reveal out basic agony in life.
But you have putt it forward well enough.
May you be inspired and motivated to write more. ATB.
Awww thank you.
Yes it is a bit grim, but then again, so am I. XD