Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
When I woke up this morning and realised I was the same person as I was yesterday; it disappointed me. My first thought was that I wanted a cigarette. My second thought was, no, I didn't. That's the most important thing you need to know about me. That there are two people inside me constantly vying for dominancy. One says one thing, the other says the opposite. It is a zebra argument.
I do not have a multiple personality disorder. I am -unfortunately- the same person all the time, it's just my thought patterns that change. Everyone does this. You've all seen the cartoons with the goofy character, an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. That's me! I am the random character in the middle. Always refereeing the argument between the good and the bad.
But I don't have the energy to do that anymore.
With age comes responsibility. Including that of making decisions. Usually, when making decisions, I cock things up. And it is for this reason, I have been fence sitting on choosing between the angel and the devil inside me for the past few months. It is now driving me insane. The only thing I have achieved is the realisation that I cannot be both. Because the constant conflict is making me more of a cunt than usual. I apologise for the language. Actually, I don't. I swear a lot now - as a form of expression. Those who don't like it, who tell me to stop, I ignore, because I don't listen to people who tell me not to express myself. What the fuck would be the point if I did that?
If you have to make a decision between the impossible and the impossible, which one do you choose? I want to choose the one that hurts my head the least. Whichever one that is. I'm rambling. You don't want to know all this. You want to know the 'juicy' details...
Yesterday, I vowed to myself it would be the last time I finish masturbating at three o' clock in the afternoon, aching, covered in my own fluids and lying in the soggy patch on my bed. To say I kept that vow would be a lie. Three o' clock has come and gone again and so have I. Pardon the pun. I am not sure whether this counts as letting myself down because I am used to lying to myself by now. It's gotten to the point that I don't know what a surprise is anymore. Lack of experience. It would be nice - from what I can remember - to have something to look forward to.
You can probably tell from my tone that I lack enthusiasm. In a survey, I was asked to describe my life in one word. And I chose 'repetitive.' I do the same thing every day. No change. No variation. I am sick of this. The devil in my head is telling me to rebel. Do something outrageously different. The angel is warning me that this could result in something stupid - dangerous evening.
I am not ready to die yet. So I am trying to prevent this from happening. In some of my thought patterns, it isn't easy. I don't want to commit... myself to anyone. I know they will let me down again. The easiest way not to get let down is to have no expectations. This way you avoid all probable feelings of pain. Call me a hedonist... but I don't see the point in anything other than pleasure. Of any kind.
Ironically... my brain is not pleasuring me at the moment. I am subsisting on a dopamine high. Left over from intense fingering and vibrations. But it never lasts. So you repeat. And repeat. I got tired of repeating, so I just didn't stop. Wasting hours... chasing the dragon as it were. Just to get that feeling. I'm numb now. I can't even have that feeling anymore. And once the numbness wears off, I will enter the sore stage. Fun.
What have I done, devil? Where is the angel when you need her? All of this just to feel, for five seconds like there is meaning to life. But it isn't enough. It was. But it isn't anymore. I am fickle. And impatient. Looking for the next hit, is proving to be a waste of my time. Yet, I have nothing better to do. So why not keep going? The angel is quiet now... because she has been overpowered. This is a rarity.
I apologise. This internal monologue is of no consequence to you. When I began telling you my story, I would probably have had at least a third of your attention. That has now slipped by to that chip in your fingernails... or the bit of leftover food in your teeth. I know - it's much more interesting than me.
The problem: I have skipped a massive chunk out of the story. My beginning. I hate that part. It is long, dull and miserable. I don't want to think about it. So I am not going to. Therefore you will never know. That sounds like a personal vendetta. It isn't. It is protecting what is left of my sanity. (I assure you, that isn't a joke.) All you need to know, is that I am who I am today because I chose to be. That doesn't mean I made the right choices. Because I can't really tell you who I am. I don't know myself. Now that's scary.
Only now does it occur to me that as far as a story is concerned, this hasn't really gone anywhere. I apologise again. Sincerely this time. That isn't enough though... I need to rapidly propel this on somehow.
Ah!
Yes. I have just been kicked out of home. That seems dramatically sufficient.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I have a rule: if i finish reading then i review it. So congrats for that!
It's already picked up a number of reviews which cover most of the points, so i'll try not to repeat too much. I agree with Niraco, the first line hooked me from the start, which is vital and difficult to do, but yours worked well...as did the closing line!
But there's one word and line that steals this piece, and i think we all know which one that is. I love the bluntness and directness with the reader, its effective that the narrator just doesn't care what he says or who he walks on. I like how it was written. The sentences were short and snappy - which I feel is one of most effective ways at drawing the reader in. It makes for a fluent and strong read.
I could quite easily read another chapter of this, just to see the character get angry and go nuts at someone. It's dangerously close to life. The dangers and effects of things becoming mundane is a very relatable issue, and it think if developed and expanded on in later parts, in a creative way, the story could come off very well.
I enjoyed this. I hope you continue!
I always felt that an opening line is one of the most important things when writing. Must say your opening line was done very well. It drew me in a made me excited to read on.
This line killed me. Humour tends to be really hard to do when writing and you've grasped writing humour with just this one line.
The swearing in this piece I found very effective and made the story more real to me.
Your main character I really found myself connecting with as I read on. I'm sure many other people will feel the same with this piece too.
All in all I thought that you did a great job. I didn't find many mistakes and the story was written very well and had me laughing at times. Well done and happy writing!
Ola! This is 567ajt, and I have been summoned to review this rather confessional work of yours. I can tell this will be a work of constant changes, as the title suggests two sides of one's personality.
Let us pick out a couple of paragraphs, shall we?
I really really liked the use of "zebra argument", used to sum up the internal stalemate the narrator feels. I also love the balance of colloquialism with much more formal language. I don't know what "vying" means but I can only assume it relates to this stalemate.
I like the separation of the last line I have quoted; it adds the sense that the narrator is breaking free. However, the language used is negative, contrasted with the idea of "refereeing" as refereeing is something that is neutral, and isn't biased. It appears that the narrator is deciding to take a side. This will lead to some conflict, I am sure.
This is very conversational, as if the narrator is speaking directly at me, over coffee in a cafe. The constant contradictions and refutal of the narrator onto herself does link to the title. Your mention of using expletives is relatable (I'm a potty mouth myself) and the fact you use them adds boldness and fearlessness to your piece.
You are so casual with this information, and so every-day, that it becomes slightly heartbreaking to read. The narrator is pouring your heart out in the most modest manner. However she does not ask for sympathy, and you even challenge the reader with rhetorical questions. She seems to be mocking the reader too, with the quotation marks on 'juicy'. This challenge shows her hate towards people.
I don't think she is a hedonist. Pleasure is good. The gain of pleasure isn't necessarily "corrupt" or "evil". Additionally, we now know that this person doesn't wish to die, and therefore does not wish to commit suicide. This is very sad and dark, with some patches of dark humour. The narrator is so relatable that it reminds me of a friend of mine, going through a similar situation to her. Reading this makes me want to do something about her life, and my life.
She is so sarcastic in this section. She is challenging everything.
This narrator is incredibly honest. She is so blunt that I feel as if there is nothing left to add. Whether or not this is based on your experiences or not, this is still an emotional piece.
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Your last line is very funny, and I think it is necessary. After all a lot of this piece is heavy and biting, not just in the act of the narrator's self-loathing but in her criticism of the reader, of other people for treating her like crap.
However, as good as this piece is, I don't know how it will continue on into other chapters. I think it'd be best left as a monologue, personally speaking.
Congrats.
This is so messed up that it works. First of all, I must say that a lot of the points that you raise about yourself are relevant to most people. The need of escapism from a mundane existence goes trough everyone's mind at some point. The feeling of wanting something new is totally relatable which makes it so much fun to read. I felt as if you were writing something about my life. During my read, I finally got to the point were I had to admit to myself that you are a damn good writer, even after pacing trough all the negative nonsense that almost gave me a nosebleed. I'm sure you've posted other literary works that aren't a rant about your own life tough, so in that case continue your other works because you have a big mind full of fucked up thoughts which is great. In the end, I gotta say that this was pretty interesting. Your definitely very good at catching the attention of the reader with solid description an a good use of imagery. Keep it up!
First thing firsts...Good points, then I'll get on to the improvements.
1) The introduction is very unique
"When I woke up this morning and realised I was the same person as I was yesterday"
This is the definition of the term Hook. It immediately makes me want to know: Why wouldn't she (I'm assuming it's a she) be the same? Why does she want to change and who or what is she. It grabs the readers attention and sucks them in. As long as this is their thing.
2) You introduce the character immediately.
"That's the most important thing you need to know about me. That there are two people inside me constantly vying for dominancy."
You tell the reader what's important and what they need to know. Well done on that.
3) A question more than a point.
"With age comes responsibility" I'm not sure if this is meant to be sarcastic, serious or anything. It's good to allow people to guess at certain things but other times you need to make things really clear.
4) in the third paragraph you use a lot of swear words in a short space, then you go back to normal language. A tip is to spread it out a bit and make it seem a little bit less 'let's chuck in a bunch of swear words'
Other than that the plot line is a strong one and it's has a really unique take on the supernatural. I would love to read more of this. Seriously. Keep it up and keep on writing