Between The Angel and The Devil - Chapter Two

This is an afterthought. My name is Antonia Clarke.

I should have told you that in the first place. But I forgot. Because I am a stupid cunt. You'll know that soon enough anyway. Or you already worked that out. Either way I'm right.

You can't have a story without a protagonist. I am big headed enough to make myself the protagonist of mine. Hopefully it will cover the fact that I can't tell a story to save my life. And I wouldn't bother trying anyway. There is not much to save. I bet some fucker will have to point out that I didn't introduce myself in the first 'chapter.' So I feel it necessary to warn you, that this is potentially one of the most unconventional stories you will ever read. Deliberately.

Ok. Introductory preamble out of the way. We return to the story. I was kicked out of home for being 'insolent.' I would not have phrased it that way. The terminology doesn't matter though, the result is the same. What matters is that these fascists don't let me live. By fascists, I mean parents. I don't need them anyway.

No one puts this devil on a leash.

About ten percent of me wants to apologise and go home. It has been outvoted. There is no longer a fair democracy in my head. I don't know what is in there. The moment at which you look in the mirror and no longer recognise yourself is a scary one. You then become devoid of all thought and fascinated with the creature before you, like some inane animal.

I certainly feel akin to one living with Panda. He is the kindest wanker I have ever known. Panda and I met so long ago I can't remember when it was. He can't either. Not because he has a bad memory; but because he spends most of his time wanking. (Hence the acuurate moniker.) If it is possible to be addicted to masturbation then he is the king of this practice. Personally, I consider him the driving force behind my own pleasure problem.

We discussed this when I arrived.

"You got kicked out because they caught you cumming over the kitchen table didn't they?" he was laughing at me. His hand was resting precariously close to his genitals. But - for once- he wasn't touching them.

"No I did not. I have never been caught in that state!" he cocked an eyebrow at me. "Well... by anyone other than you." I winked at him. We both stood in his posh living room. In his parents' posh house. They didn't know I was staying with them yet. It would be a nice surprise when they got home.

Panda's mother wouldn't mind. His father would be different, but I would get round him. I could use my dazzling wits to persuade him. And failing that... I could flash my dazzling tits at him instead. I hoped that would work.

"Hello? Toni, are you paying attention?" Panda's hand passed in front of me. I batted it away.

"Don't put that thing anywhere my face!" I objected. I could feel the muscles in my face contorting into a disgusted, slightly amused expression. I screwed up my nose, so I couldn't smell anything.

"I can think of something else I could put in your face..." Panda winked again.

The angelic side of my head was mildly horrified by this vulgar threat. The devil majority was pleased and now vaguely aroused. "Maybe later," I shrugged. Inevitably, this caught his attention and I noticed his hand slipped into the pocket of his trousers, where followed a slight 'forward/backward' movement. Subtle.

"So why did you get kicked out then?" his voice had lowered.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Fair enough. Smoke?" his hand had moved and his fingers were now clutched around an open top, half empty packet of cigarettes. I could practically smell the nicotine from there.

"I quit." I told him. It was the truth. "Too expensive."

"Pfft... I get them cheap off a mate. Only a few quid." I scoffed.

"It is not the financial cost. I meant that shit kills you," I gestured disapprovingly at the flaccid cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth. I watched, mildly entertained, as he fumbled for the lighter in his pocket. The lighter that he could never find, and when he did, the lighter never worked.

"The price is too high for me to pay anymore." It sounded so ambiguous. More than I usually aimed for.

"What the hell are you on about?" he shook his head at me whilst trying to bring the flame to the cigarette end.

"You pay with your life. And you only live once... so spend it wisely. Oh come here will you, it's painful."

As instructed, Panda took two strides towards me and held the lighter out to my hand.

"Don't burn me Baby..." he whispered.

"I'll try." The flame appeared at first flick, dancing between the two of us. Panda craned his neck in and inhaled several times, quickly. And it lit. He withdrew, dragging on the smoke. I sighed, playing with the naked flame in my hand.

"So what now?" he said, parting his lips with the cigarette balanced between his fingers. My eyes wandered briefly to the clock. It was nearly three, no wonder I was itching to have my alone time. Somehow, Panda must have noticed my actions and felt it necessary to comment. You know someone knows you too well when they can tell what you're thinking when you look at a clock.

"You can use my room if you want?" Panda was stubbing out his cigarette on the kitchen counter.

"No... I'll just let it pass." The accuracy of the level of doubt in Panda's facial expression was unparalleled to anything I could have expected. "Go on..." he urged.

"I would feel uncomfortable I think..."

"Why? Would it help if I came with you then? Maybe I can help loosen you up - or not." Panda was a lovely wanker, but he was a sleaze at times. Side effect of his 'addiction.'

"I don't feel like it right now."

"Liar."

I had never been good at making excuses. "What the fuck are you going to do with your life now anyway? If you don't masturbate, what pleasure have you got?"

Staring at him. I knew I was. I could feel my eyes expanding to accommodate my shock. That was one of those rare, revolutionary moments. I had an epiphany. It was nothing new. Just the fact that Panda had pointed it out.

I had nothing now.

"You're fucked kid. It's a good job you've got old Panda." The smell of sweat and stale smoke invaded me as Panda delved in for an unexpected hug. I felt something brush against my chest.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"What for?"

"Taking me in," I looked up into his brown eyes, clear as pools of mud. Annoying. I never knew what he was thinking. So I just guessed sex. Oh no... the devil was taking over.

"I'll make a decision tomorrow," I said, sighing. Resigning yourself to your fate was easy. It meant not thinking. That was what I needed.

"I've changed my mind," I pulled him by the arm towards the door of the kitchen.

"Oh yeah?" Panda grinned at me. That grin.

I couldn't pass up three o' clock.