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12+ Mature Content

6.3

by Renard


Dedicated to 6.3

'A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.'

Clenching, tremors

The bed will break.

Underneath my iron grasp

Soft moans fall short,

Choked by adrenaline

We will never make it past these walls.

The heavy dew arrives,

Expression oozes from you

As I lay open, obtainable

Take it all away

With those ultramarine eyes

Mon Cher.

Insecurities disapparate,

Upon that sight, that sound

You. Sustain. Me.


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279 Reviews


Points: 40
Reviews: 279

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Sun Dec 29, 2013 12:14 am
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MasterGrieves wrote a review...



Hola!!! You may not have met me before (my sexy baby ;)) but I am 567ajt. I have come to review this rather titillating and pass-me-the-fan-things-are-suddenly-very-warm poem :)

I shall take this every 3 lines. :)

Dedicated to 6.3

'A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.'


Is 6.3 a measure of life? Of time? Or arm? Either way, I like the ambiguity.
I also like the quote you have added in. It definitely creates the idea of bonding to whoever this 6.3 person is.

Clenching, tremors

The bed will break.

Underneath my iron grasp


Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa already I am feeling a sizzle! I can feel the tension (most likely one of a sexual nature) between the narrator and 6.3. Your grasp being one of "iron" shows how hard and tight the grip is, showing a high level of devotion to 6.3.

Soft moans fall short,

Choked by adrenaline

We will never make it past these walls.


For moans that are "soft", the narrator is certainly intense by all of this, being "choked by adrenaline" possibly due to the speed of the process. I am a massive fan of your use of vocabulary, which range from concrete to abstract nouns. I am also a massive fan of the use of the walls section. This can be taken literally because of the level of physical activity, or to show that the love the narrator possesses for 6.3 doesn't limit itself to its location.

The heavy dew arrives,

Expression oozes from you

As I lay open, obtainable


This is a particularly tense section; the "oozes" from 6.3 create connotations of reward, either on a sexual level or simply a romantic level. It is obvious 6.3 also loves the narrator. The fact the narrator is "obtainable" shows the vulnerability she has around 6.3.

Take it all away

With those ultramarine eyes

Mon Cher.


The addition of French ("Mon Cher") adds an exotic and more romantic feel to the poem, one which already existed. Eyes being "ultramarine"? Definitely blue eyes. Pale, blue eyes. The narrator obviously loves them.

Insecurities disapparate,

Upon that sight, that sound

You. Sustain. Me.


The sound being one of pleasure, I hope? The climax of the last line is incredibly pleasing to the tongue read aloud. By the way, what does "disapparate" mean? One can only assume it is the disappearance of insecurities. The narrator feels safe in 6.3's arms. D'awwwww.

On first glance this oozes sex, but beneath it is sweet romance. <3




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192 Reviews


Points: 19207
Reviews: 192

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Sun Nov 24, 2013 1:31 am
EloquentDragon wrote a review...



Whoah. First of all. I think you need, at least, a 16+ rating on this guy. Maybe not, but my mind went somewhere very quickly. (It's the imagery, mind you)

Why is there a period after "mon cher.?" what's wrong with "cheri?" There is not really a rhyme here, writing the full thing does not disrupt the rythmic pattern.

disapparate


Is this a word? I am not familiar with this word. What the heck does this mean? This word only exists in the Harry Potter universe, (after a quick google search) and I have no idea what it is doing here.

Overall this was okay, the imagery wasn't terribly original. I've seen it before, at least most of it. Poetry is about unique perspective, and you may have achieved that with the style. It has a strange, fluid flow to it. Even and measured. I don't personally like this style, but there is nothing wrong with it, and from what I can tell you've handled that part quite well.

Just perhaps look for more interesting, correct, and visual words to use.
~ED




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171 Reviews


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Thu Nov 21, 2013 3:23 am
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SecreteJournalist wrote a review...



Maybe, I, a sole teen, should not review this... but nothing stops me :3 It's not like I have read a lot of mature adult books... oh wait.. I have ._. Anyways, I am SecreteJournalist, but feel free to call me Brie (:

I will agree with Ozz, I adore the Jim Morrison quote immensely, it definitely caught my full out attention!

The wording was rather... perfect I suppose. I found absolutely nothing wrong with it, surprisingly enough. Perfect spelling, perfect grammar, and just the right amount of free verse!

I don't exactly have much to say besides the fact on how much I adore this poem! It's just a great poem c:

I guess I don't have much left to say...

Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie





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