The Way It Should Be.

by Rena_Luvs_All
  • November 4, 2007
  • Other

Her phone rings. Its him. "Whats up boo?" Is what he asks.

Her response, "Nothing. I'm about to pick up my sister. We want to go shopping. Do you want to come?"

"Naw. But if you and your sister want to stop by and get some money....." he tells her.

She getts happy,"Of course! I'll be right over as soon as I pick her up!" They both hang up.

Thirty minutes later.

She knocks on his door. He answers. They step in for a minute. They talk for a while. They laugh over stupid things. Then he gives both her and her sister around $200.

She sqeaks out something that sounds like,"Oh baby you are so sweet! Thank you so much!" Her sister agrees. They get back in the car.

They shop all over the town.

The next day when the girl boes over to his house they sit and talk for hours. He never says a word about the money.

The next week, not one word about the money. Next month, never once is the money mentioned.

He never once brings up the money.

Thats the way it should be. A guy should be able to do something nice for his girl without expecting anything back in return.

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Alteran
Review
Alteran wrote a review · Tue Nov 06, 2007 4:49 am

It has a nice thought, but the execution is a bit weak. It would help if you were more involved with the character. The way it is written is sort of detached and distant. Give the characters names and make them real. We cant relate to them becuase they are obviously not real.

Their dialogue seems forced. the male voice is a bit more free flowing than the girls but together it's too rigid. Try and be more natural and fluidic.

(You're right. This is how things should be)



To be absolutely certain about something, one must know everything or nothing about it.
— Olin Miller