Published November 3, 2007
Short and to the point were all your messages so sweet.
Love was all I had.
Why take it from me?
Nothing was done from me to you.
You were all I had but all I don't have now.
Life still moves on. Im just a beginner.
More out there for me to see.
Like sweet morning dew,
I took one look at you,
It was plain to see, you were my destiny.
Like so many other things in my life,
I was wrong.
We no longer talk.
We no longer laugh.
My life is fine. I just miss you so much.
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141,432 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
This was...different. It had a simple message behind it. But the rhythm was...hard to get. It didn't flow exactly. Some parts of it did, and some didn't. Just like some rhymed, and some didn't. You should have some sort of exact rhythm; like ABBABB or ABAB or whatever else you wish to make up. Just something to keep it flowing better.
Hope this helped!
MERRY WRITING!!!
~Bella~
This was... hm... I'm not sure what it was, or how much I liked it. Hm. It was kind of hard to read; I think that partially was because all the lines were separated so much.
If I were you, I'd edit like so:
Short and to the point were all your messages,
So sweet.
Love was all I had;
Why take it from me?
Nothing was done from me to you.
You were all I had but all I don't have now.
Life still moves on.
I'm just a beginner.
More out there for me to see.
Like sweet morning dew,
I took one look at you,
It was plain to see, you were my destiny.
Like so many other things in my life,
I was wrong.
We no longer talk.
We no longer laugh.
My life is fine
I just miss you so much.
...Okay, I'm not sure if that's better, but some parts make it easier to read.
Well, I must be off to save the world. Eat chocolate butter!
Peace, love,
Muffin