Always on my mind.
In the middle of the night I dream of you touching me deep below the surface.
I want you around at every second of the day.
I look for you in the halls.
I wait for your calls.
Your texts never come,
Do you ever think of me?
I feel lust rise deep in me as you walk by with your Girlfriend.
My darkest fear you ask?
To lose you.
I fear losing what I've never had.
How does that work?
I find a way to make it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The best bits of this poem were:
"In the middle of the night I dream of you touching me deep below the surface."
because it's just so damn unique, and:
"How does that work?
I find a way to make it."
As for the rest...eh. Cliched and a little dull, to be honest. You could re-work this into something a lot better if you dropped the "real-life" parts and focused more on your feelings and the concept of missing what you've never had. I really like that "deep below the surface" line and would like to see it expanded on.
I agree with Penguin; you need to refocus this poem on what you're really trying to say. And try to do more showing and less telling; that first stanza shows you have a gift for apt metaphors that you should use more often.
Cheers,
~bubbles
Okay, this is an okay poem. I can't say I like it so much, though.
Your first stanza would do well to be four lines long, the second line being rather long and it look of the poem would appreciate the change. Your third stanza would do well to be cut up also. I think a standard of four lines would work best for the poem itself.
In your second stanza the middle rhyme gets to me, you havent used rhyme before hand so using it now seems odd. I would suggest finding a new word to end the sentence.
Your last stanza is a little too long, as I pointed out earlier, and I find it to be somewhat disconnected with the rest of the poem. It doesn't seem to end and it looks quite odd.
I would suggest a major look back over what you arte trying to say and make the poem reflect that.
It isnt terrible, it just needs some work.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Thats really nice.
I am assuming you like someone. Eh... Well I went through this too. Nice... I know what you mean.
Good work
Genevieve
xxx
This has some really good parts and some not-so-good parts. The middle verse could do with a little more style. I also think it would be better if you added perhaps some imagery, maybe a metephor or two, something to spark it up a bit.
Apart from that, this is really good, and very genuine. I also find the last two lines so adorable. Keep up the good work.