He said he was a father.
They never agreed with it.
An angry daughter?
A discouraged father?
They took a run for it, "Hurry Sophia!"
The youngest in her arms.
Only 7 years old, she wasn't fast enough.
Two escaped.
One caught and took back home.
I later found, she was not angry daughter,
Just an angry abducted young girl.
After the flood, he took them all.
Three beautiful girls,
Alone and lost.
Sleeping in his bed.
Not right at all.
Asked to call him 'daddy'
They were never together again.
He took one, two were in foster care.
A family broken,
A child molester's fault.
Trying to live a fantasy life.
*This Is A True Story Of A Family Of Three Young Girls Who Were Kidnapped After Hurrican Katrina. I Am Sure There Are More Stories Like It.*
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I second chocoholic. I find the whole thing rather matter-of-fact. Less emotion than a news story, even.
If I were you, I'd take a step back and think about what you're trying to say here. It might help if you focus on one particular moment in the story - say, when the girls are taken - and build on that. You should also try to show rather than tell. I seem to be saying that a lot lately, but it's nonetheless true: part of the reason we're not feeling anything is that there's nothing to get involved with. We can't see or feel what's happening because you're not describing it for us, you're just telling us the bare bones of what occurred. And that's boring.
Spice it up a little with some metaphors and similes and the like, and I guarantee it will improve tremendously.
Cheers,
~bubbles
Essentially I liked it, but it needs more emotion. Right now, I read it and think, oh, so that's what happened. How terrible. I'm not getting worried or worked up or sad, I'm just neutral.
Use more discriptive language. Also, try to be more exciting in your work and add some rymes to make it run smoother. Anyway, okay job.
I upped the rating to PG because of content...
It's good of you to trying and write about something like this to serve as a kind of warning or a "just so you know" but the poem is a bit too lacking for it to be anything other than that. The first thing I notice is that in some places the grammar isn't as good as it could be.
This is just one example, mind. The sentence seems to be missing words, and it doesn't really make sense. "I later found out that she was not an angry daughter". You could also word it some other ways, but this is just a grammar addiction. Missing those first two words just harms clarity, missing the last one, I have to say, is something that should be avoided at all cost. English isn't like most languages where articles are always necessary, but we tend to know when they are or aren't, and here is one of the cases where it is.
I would suggest going through and trying to clean up your grammar. More than anything, this distracts from the poem as a whole. If I can't understand what I am reading, and it isn't written in a clear manner, why should I read it?
The second thing is that this is just a bit blasé. There isn't anything in it to spark my interest and make me want to read more. You're only telling and you have no imagery or metaphors or anything. Really... It's more like a story in verse form. You're just telling us about the people and what happened to them. Yes, it's a sad story that is being told, but just because it is sad doesn't immediatly mean people care. You still have to present it in a way that will make us care. Try to think about making the reader feel what the speaker, or the girls, feel. Make us want to cry over the girls, rather than just inform us of what happened. Go from being a news broadcaster, to a poet.
Good luck! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.