Flower heads fell, decapitated, into the dark green pool to sit crystalline on the surface, along her legs, through her hair. It was a dense muteness overpowering the clammy cold of her skin and the enclosing weight of her jeans. Colour was fading fast from her face and her lips as it was sucked into the water and she bobbed, helplessly succumbing to it. The feeling was intoxicating; the smell of fresh grass, the refreshing chill of the air on her throat and her limp hands. If her eyes were opened she would see a white, concealing sky, pierced by glass roofs and green stems. Without sight she could imagine this to be one long, lazy bath stretching out before her; she could let herself sink deeper and deeper. The garden was a wild lagoon with passion flowers gaping open, their scent sweetening the water sweeping over her arms and legs and torso, and from every edge leaned foliage: she was drowning in paradise.
Danielle
My sister was missing for three days before they found her shoes tucked in some bushes beside the lake. She was still in her costume from Emily Jessop’s party. My sister was undeniably lovely: driving guys to distraction, untouchable and unbelievable, so she made a beautiful corpse.
Though we hadn’t shared a room since I was twelve I have some of her things in my room. There is a cd I borrowed from her five years ago that she didn’t want back, earrings she bought in France on a market that haven’t been taken out of their case, and a lipstick she said didn’t suit her complexion.
Unpredictability was part of knowing Piper because she did whatever she felt like. Sometimes she would show up on my doorstep to say hi at three in the morning; I’d assumed that once we were both moved out of the house seeing her would be like a family event maybe twice a year. She was liked inexplicably: she managed to hold onto admiration through every screw up. Piper was all-involving and ever-disappearing.
I spent a week after the wake at my parents’ house; people came and went who’d known my sister. People that didn’t know her observed our private tragedy from a distance. We saw Reuben the day before and the day after. I’ve known Reuben longer than my sister did, even though he was her fiancé. He’s almost 21, two years younger than her. He’s my friend, was my best friend…is my best friend. Honestly I’m not sure what he is to me. Reuben didn’t say much, as if he was struck dumb, and he couldn’t meet my gaze. When he shook dad’s hand it was a crushing formality, while mum couldn’t stop crying. I had to go through Piper’s things or it would have been left a frozen shrine. Not that I cleaned the house of her. That would be impossible.
Were we ever sisters in more than genetics? Reuben and sharing a room were our only similarities and they didn’t keep us together. She met Reuben at my apartment; he was a second year at the university when I started, slight curls in his copper hair. Piper’s impact was obvious. Did I mention she once went on a couples’ cruise alone and came back with phone numbers? She said it would be unfair to act on it.
Standing in the presence of my sister I think I know why her friends go wild around her, trying to be noticed. Piper charms…charmed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I, too, am not a big fan of the italicized paragraph. Sure, it sounds pretty, but it doesn't add much to the story, in my opinion. If you want to keep it, though, I'd go with what Claudette said and cut some adjectives out for a better flow.
This would probably have a stronger effect if this was two sentences. I would divide it after "unbelievable" and cut out the "so", but this may just be personal preference.
This whole section is rather awkward, but especially the first sentence. Maybe...
Better?
This part was really out of place. Is there a place this would fit better? If not, just cut it. It's not necessary to the story.
I like this a lot. If you continue it, be sure to let me know!
The first paragraph (the one with the italicized words) wasn't exactly 'great.' it was hard to read through, since the bulk of it was prose and strange adjectives. but I understood what you were trying to do, so that's good, right? Maybe try slimming down the fanciness a little, we don't need to be too overwhelmed with description! there were two adjectives that I didn't like imperticular. "crystalline" because it doesn't fit in the sentence where you have it, at all. You're describing the sit with it 'sit crystalline' and that makes no sense.
Your description through the whole paragraph is very overwhelming, and it makes it hard to focus on what is happening.The other part I didn't like was this:
I don't think you should use two -ly words one after another.
I like the general story, its very well written, but some of your sentences have strange grammar and need punctuation. I'd give you the help with it, but I'm so unsure of how to correct it the proper way... Hopefully someone much more learned in grammar than I will come by to critique
Also, another suggestion would be to show more of their relationship, instead of telling it. And, is this all there is to the story? Where is the plot to it, why does Danielle want to write about her sister (since it is first person) It makes me want to read it/read more, but I'm not sure what the 'more' is. If you plan on making this longer, maybe think that out as well?