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Young Writers Society



No title

by Remember


Rural landscape steams by; smoke sticks to the glass,
Too quiet here for noise or fuss.
Or shallow thought.

Lawn laid out like a thousand picnic spreads,
'Cept now your Sunshine doesn't quite reach
there.
Buckets of open space and fresh air,
Downing the lot we drink, but find no satisfied grin,
A lazy, hay bale sets the pace for all the world here,

We lie on our flower beds and yawn on
and on,
Yawn and Drink and Breathe.

Stillness snatches our tremblings, wonderings, with its feathered fingers,
And we are back,
You opposite I, watching sunlight, Sunshine,
hit the peak and sparkle by.

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Sun Oct 01, 2006 12:01 am
Caligula's Launderette wrote a review...



Hello Remember,

I don't believe we have properly met, I go by CL or Cal around here, and this is how this crit will go, I'll tell you what I liked, what I didn't, and how I think you can improve.

Onwards, shall we...

WHAT I LIKED

1. Your imagery, it's gorgeous. I love it!

2. Your diction/wordage.

WHAT I DIDN'T

1. line breaks. the real downfall to this poem is the line breaks. try playing around with them a little more.

2. the use of steams in the first line. I don't think that's the right action.

WHAT TO IMPROVE

1. Downing the lot we drink - I am not sure that the use of slang here goes with the rest of the poem.

2. The intermintent capitalization, that was weird, how some words were and some were not at the beginning of lines. I'd almost say you did that on purpose to stress the significance of the words, but there are some many, that I'm not sure it works.


Hope this helps,
CL.





Writing is like love: the real thing is a lot less romantic
— dragonfphoenix