Published February 24, 2006
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
This would actually make a good picture book for children. The worlds have many colors and lots of things to see so there would be plenty to draw. The whole way yo wrote it seemed like you planned for it to be a picture book.
Repetition isn't always a bad thing. Heck, so much of traditional story-telling is full of repetition. They also appear to lack depth unless you know to look for it. Metephorically speaking, this story is what happened when I moved to Cornwall from Toronto.
this is a short story. and thats good , loads of people (including me ) right a start to a novel and end it at somthing like ' after killing all those who inhabited the village, the troll felt ashamed and walked into the setting sun' but this is finished. ill be honest it does lack depth and is repetative but i like the idea and if your writing for younger creatures than me , keep your style cs it fits perfectly to what aged 7-10 children want.
W00t, Rei's back!
You would make an amazing children's writer, Rei. I know I've already told you that, but you write with such pure simplicity. I actually really enjoyed it. Though I would suggest you not using the word "world" in the first paragraph so many times. It's an easy mistake to make, I do it all the time, but you could find a different word to replace it, even if it means reworking a few of the sentences.
This is a fun piece, and even though I agree with Griffin about here being able to go from one change to the other too easily, I think it was a nice little ditty. And I liked the part about the unicorn. I would have liked more imagery when we're introduced to him, though.
How's your novel coming? You've probably been busy with school, I know I have. It's "Novel Writing Year" or something, on YWS, so you've got a head start! Best of luck to you
-Sarah
This was really short and for a young reader and I enjoyed reading it. Good job.
It's not likely that I will write this as an actual novel, or even a longer short story. It was just meant to be a little fairy tale for the person I consider my "unicorn."
This is a nice outline. It sounds like some of the events come too easily, but I'll reserve this until you post an actual chapter from the work.
Although the mere word 'gryphon' made my interest spike at somewhere about 1000%. If this is the outline, it is good and I'd be interested in seeing how you combined the elements together.
If this is the entire story though, it needs to be expanded, although I doubt this is the case.
I dont really know what to say to this, it seems like a summary to an entire story, alm ost ike a fairy tale. I dont know how to review this ...mmmm....