Young Writers Society

An interesting lyrical short story--really, I've never heard such a combination, but for the most part it works here. There are still some shortcomings, of course, but that's for the later part of the review. Firstly, the highlights:

-"My sobs were screams with the forming shadows." I wonder, what does this line mean? Why are screams associated with forming shadows? Do you mean 'my sobs were screams, forming shadows'? Well, that makes even less sense, now that I think about it. If it makes sense to you, that's also fine, but honestly this line bothered me a bit.

-"I wanted us to be ok. I wanted to be his." Is this a different 'him' or are we still talking about 'you'? Because, from the looks of it, this is the same person, it's just that you've chosen to replace him with a third person thing. It's a little annoying, really, so I suggest you keep the consistency here. Unless this is a different person entirely, which would make this much more interesting.

-"The water in the stream that used to be so clean and clear; is now a black thickness like the darkness around my heart." I think the semicolon here should've been replaced with a comma, as semicolons aren't usually used in this case.

-" When I walked away from our world; each of my tears brought more and more decay to the landscape." I think the semicolon here should've been replaced with a comma, as semicolons aren't usually used in this case.

-"but your in my heart" This sounds extremely funny to me because I keep saying it to internet chatroom users, but *you're. Sorry, I had to say it.

-"what if’s and could I’s are filling my head, and making me go mad." Capitalize the What, and remove the 'and'.

Now, onto the actual review:

As I said before, this was an interesting little short story. Overall it had a very troubled atmosphere to it, and the author never specifies what it meant by 'him' or 'you', which is very good. Sometimes I think you might be talking about nature and her relationship with man, other times I think 'this is just an ordinary relationship blown out of proportions', which still makes this relatively good. Exaggeration is a wonderful tool.

So, overall, it's pretty good. Good job on that front.

Signing out,

--EM.

hi!
to be honest, i don't think there's much to say here. it's really great! it's very emotional and personal. it really feels like i understand how you feel about this boy, before and after.

one thing to note would be the constant change in style. it goes from addressing the person to talking about the person. it's kind of confusing, but i'm sure you could pull off the fusion!

another thing would be phrase "The beauties, oh darling the beauties I remember them". it's really repetitive. might i suggest using a different word of phrasing? uvu;;

anyways, that's all i have to say. above all, you wrote a wonderful story. i hope to read more! c: