Maya slid the knife across her skin. She made deep cuts and cuts closer to the surface, making her intricate vision come to life. The muffled screams couldn’t be heard by even the coyotes, the only ones who dared to come close. The girls tears ran down her face swiftly and Maya leaned in close to her.
“Are you afraid?” She hissed. The girl could smell her sour breath; it enveloped her in the smell of rotten eggs and garlic. The sharp knife moved effortlessly down her arm. She could feel her anger bubbling up.
“I would tell you to think next time, before you rat on one of my clan members, but I'm afraid there isn’t going to be a next time.” Maya said, playing with her victims emotions like a cat does with a mouse.
“Perhaps…Perhaps we could spare you,” Now she was circling the table that the girl was tied to.
“Oh, but now, that wouldn’t be very fair to poor, poor Anna, would it? No...No…I guess your life won’t be spared this time. Well, auf wiedersehen.” She turned back to the girl and with a quick sharp slash, sliced the neck of her helpless victim.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Heya there Powers.
Short and sweet prologue
Not the catchiest of starter lines. Try to spice it up and really make it eye catching! Perhaps add some descriptive words .
How does cutting herself allow her visions come to life? What sort of visions? Try not to skim over these type of details or you will lose your reader.
What muffled screams? Her muffled screams? And is she outside or inside? And why are the coyotes the only animals who dare come close…to what?
“The girl’s” if there is only one. And you never mentioned a girl before this.
She doesn’t have to be capitalized for it isn’t the end of a sentence.
Please define whose breath, because the girl could easily be smelling her own nasty breath
Again, whose arm?
Totally confused now.
~~~~~
This has plenty of potential, but a little more work. I’ll give you a few pointers:
You skim over tiny facts and mix the girl and Maya together so your reader has no idea who is who and what is happening to who! Spice this all up with more description and more explanations! Don’t leave your reader trying to figure things out, especially in the prologue! Don’t go into too much explanation that you reveal the whole story to the reader, but enough.
Then there is your dialogue problem. I didn’t really point it out up there ^ but here I’ll explain it to you so you can see where you went wrong
When your character finishes speaking, always end the dialogue with a comma, question mark or an exclamation mark. The dialogue tag or whatever comes after the dialogue never is capitalized because it isn’t the end of the sentence. Example:
“Then he strolled off into the trees,” finished Lunla, gesturing wildly with her arms.
The only time you use a period is when the dialogue is actually the end of the sentence. Thus, the sentence after is a new sentence. Example:
“But not before he stole my flask of ale.” Dancer crossed his arms and stuck his bottom lip out in a pout.
I believe that’s the end of my review. This has plenty of potential and you left off at an interesting place. I’m curious to know what the two were speaking about before the girl died xD
If you need any help (like in understanding my psycho babble up there^) feel free to PM me!
Meadow